My husband and I have been together for 11+ years. We met in our 20s and now I’m in my mid 30s. In the past 5 years I’ve done a ton of therapy and felt like I’ve grown immensely. We both are really independent people and while in therapy I realized that our connection on an emotional and sexual level was actually not ok. I started to communicate to him about three years ago about how I’d like to enhance our sexual and emotional connection. He resisted over and over again. I’m not sure if he didnt take me seriously or just hoped it would go away. To me, it often felt like we were roommates. This all came to a head when I had to get surgery and he told me he would just drop me off at the hospital and then pick me up after a work thing. This was the catalyst that eventually made me finally ask to separate.I had gotten to an absolute breaking point and was serious about it. He all of a sudden started started to change his tune and pick up the Gottman book I had bought for us three years prior. After summer we even started couples therapy and while it’s been ok it still feels like we’ve been growing apart for so long. I also resent him for all of a sudden listening to me after having to get to my own breaking point. I feel like 3 years have been wasted. I love him and I know he loves me and it’s so sad but there’s a part of me that feels that it’s over. I’m 35 and I’m not sure I want kids so I have that weight on my shoulders as well- I’m afraid to leave but I’m also scared to stay.
Is this enough to break up a marriage? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than needed?
9 comments
Do you like him?
> This all came to a head when I had to get surgery and he told me he would just drop me off at the hospital and then pick me up after a work thing.
Maybe I’m particularly sensitive to this sort of stuff but that would be borderline unforgivable for me.
There’s a book called “too good to leave, to bad to stay” by Mira kirshenbaum. It’s a quick read that may help you to have more clarity on the situation. All the best to you!
It’s enough to break up a marriage if that’s how you feel about it. To others, it may not look or seem “bad enough”, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is when you ask yourself what you want to do, inside your heart. If you want to give it one last shot and let your husband now this is basically the last straw, you can do that. If you think you’re done, you can do that too. If you are familiar with Gottman’s work, you may know that contempt and resentment are considered part of the “Four Horsemen”, AKA headed for divorce.
What was the last argument about?
What angers/worries you more, that he needed you to talk about separation to change or that you think his efforts are insincere and won’t last?
He is not treating you like a partner, but like an authority figure. “How far can I push her until she breaks? Oh, there’s the limit. Better back down.” Yes, that time is wasted and you’ll never get it back. So ask yourself, “Do I want to continue or do I want this to end?” Make up your own mind, and it’s ok if you insist on couples’ therapy. I wish you the best that can be made of this.
This is anecdotal, but I’ve never seen a relationship survive a separation.
In my opinion if a person could take advantage of you, ignore you, use you, etc. then even if they could change their tune following an ultimatum, should you really trust them or even continue a relationship with them?
No. It’s not enough to break up a marriage. A woman’s breaking point ALWAYS wakes a man up. And women hate this. But it’s how it works usually. He’s willing to change. Which is great.
I left a man who was a good person and not a bad husband. Therapy and the like only further proved to me my heart wasn’t in it anymore; our personalities and lifestyles were just not compatible enough, to put it very simply. People will have their opinions but, well, they’re not the ones in your marriage. Do what is right for you and your life.
My life is completely different now and I can’t imagine still living in that same house married to my ex, the thought of it makes my skin crawl