Tl;dr: There are little things in my relationship which are building up to bigger things. Lots of miscommunication and misread signals and it’s emotionally exhausting and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.
He never wakes up in a good mood. Always grumpy. He has zero morning routine, will wait for hours to shower/brush his teeth/make his bed/drink water. I try to encourage him to brush teeth/shower/drink water and tell him it will make him feel better but he either won’t or sometimes does it if I tell him to. Then if he has a bad sleep he’s even MORE grumpy… like it will ruin his entire day and he will get nothing done.
He will always be on either end of the extremes – grandiose, thinking he’s amazing and celebrating his wins, thinking he’s the most amazing human being on the planet. Or he will be extremely insecure and think he’s disgusting and ugly and the worst person on the planet, compare himself to other people and talk negatively about himself and others or put other people on a pedestal.
It’s an emotional roller coaster for him and for me. There are other little things, like he won’t engage in or notice my little games. I try to make lil moments in life fun, like going for a walk I’d like to kick a rock along the path to him and he’ll just kick it aside. I know it a stupid example but it makes me feel like he’s *there* with me and enjoys engaging with me.
Or if I make an attempt to snuggle up next to him in bed or on the couch he won’t move or let me in until I say “I want a cuddle”. I know he enjoys affection so I don’t understand why he won’t naturally let me in. And if I try to cuddle up to him and he won’t let me in, sometimes I’ll just turn away because ok he doesn’t want to cuddle right now that’s fine, but then he will be like “why did you turn away, don’t you want to cuddle?” And I’m like yes… but you didn’t open your arms or indicate at ALL that you wanted me to cuddle you….
He is so great and supportive of me emotionally and just in general. He’s very good at listening to me and validating my feelings… I’m just getting drained with our miscommunication and misreading signals all the time 😭
I don’t know how to help him and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in my expectations of him?
5 comments
Per your post, Im not sure on miscommunication. Ot seems he is not a morning person & he might not realize your playing a game with the rock. It does seem he has his own boughts with depression.
communicate and dont assume we get involved in me too much sometimes.
Some of this might be communication. You could explicitly say when you try to cuddle, you want him to cuddle you back if he wants to, otherwise you will stop cuddling, because you don’t see the point of asking if he already gave a clear no. But if he has a reason he does that, then he should explain it to you, so that you understand.
But most of this is just – you don’t really like him. I mean, you probably do like him in various ways. But it’s mainly a list of stuff about him you don’t like. He’s grumpy in the mornings. That isn’t miscommunication. He alternates between extremes, which seems to be well communicated, you just don’t like it. He isn’t playful in the ways you want hm to be. That might be something communication could help, but it’s a bit of a mismatch of personalities.
I think you mostly need to decide if he really is – overall – the person you want to be with. Because most of this is just who he is.
His mood swings if they are that extreme may require some therapy/diagnosis.
This isn’t miscommunication. This is about him being unable to regulate his emotions and his persistent unhealthy coping strategies. The rapid up and down moods, push-pull relationship dynamics and putting people on a pedestal sounds a bit BPD. It’s only been 6 months so you can give it a little time. Remember that you are not responsible for his self care or his emotions, and you’ll burn out if you try to fix him. Is he getting treatment for his mental illness?
I’m not going to diagnose someone over the internet, but I can pretty confidently say that he needs to seek out some mental health care. He’s struggling with things that are really impairing his daily life, which means he should have some professional help.