I constantly wonder if people are truly in love or just settled for someone they click with. It just seems easy for everyone. Sometimes I wonder if my expectations of love are too high. It feels finding any compatibility is rare. Is anyone else holding out for their soulmate?

46 comments

  1. Siblings fight and still love each other… as long as a fight isn’t full on disrespectful , it truly means nothing.

  2. Also “truly in love” is a Disney fantasy. People live in reality and have to figure out how to combine two lives and make it work. Going through that process and choosing to stay until the end no matter what is love. The perfect person doesn’t exist

  3. Yup. I talk to my married friends and relatives and seriously out of many dozens of couples I know, ONE is really happily, healthily married. The rest are fucked up in one way or another. HOWEVER I had the most amazing date today!!!! So I live in hope I will be part of the second happily, healthily married couples I know

  4. i read books and my expectations for men were so freaking high, really thought they would be more romantic. I eventually realized that the “all consuming, undying, i’ll burn down the world to find you” kind of love is only in fiction, i wish i could live in my books *sigh* still love my bf though haha but i don’t think he’d burn down the world to find me lol

  5. If you think about it what are the odds that people end up with their first choice. You never know for sure if the other person is just settling.

  6. >Is anyone else holding out for their soulmate?

    I don’t believe you *find* your soulmate. I believe you *make* somebody your soulmate when you truly commit to somebody and put the effort in to create that special soul bond. So soul mates are not pre-destined but rather created.

  7. The fear of being alone is too much for some people. My best friend is getting “engaged” to a dude that “fought” to win her back for 3 months after she dumped him. I asked if her if she actually wanted to be engaged and she said “I don’t think anyone else would pay for my life the way he does”. She dumped him basically because he wouldn’t start paying for her life. Now to win her back, he’s offering to buy her all these things. He is literally buying her love. He’s spending thousands of dollars on her just so she’ll give him the time of day again. I know she doesn’t actually like him. She complained about having to have sex with him all the time. And it’s not like this guy is a millionaire. If he had big big money I’d kind of get it, but it’s nothing special. And they only dated for around a year prior to the breakup. Also, she’s going to be 28. Some woman can be a bit nutty about being married before they’re 30. But the ones who push for marriage quickly are often the ones who get divorced. Nothing wrong with moving fast as long as everyone’s on the same page, but when there’s transactions happening to advance things then you’ve got a problem. I’m also going to be 28 but I’d rather be alone than settle for someone I can’t stand having sex with.

  8. Yep and most are scared to leave because it means they’ll be alone or have to do things financially on their own

  10. Just a practical opinion. But you should probably aim for a healthy partnership where you enjoy and appreciate each other a good deal. People can grow or learn but that’s a rocky gamble.

  11. Statistically speaking, 64% of people are happy in their relationships here in the United States.

    Most people just want companionship with someone who they get along with and are attracted to.

    Can’t really judge people’s relationships cuz I’m not them. I know people in long term partnerships are dealing with serial cheats, dead bedrooms, abusive husbands, etc. It couldn’t be me (and that’s why its not) but i think they’re willing to settle for their situation bc low self esteem or “good enough is good enough”. I’ve also learned that some of these relationships that look so perfect to the outside world aren’t all their cracked up to be! People are deeply flawed and going through real life stuff. They’re just not telling you or me about it!

  12. No one is the perfect person or the perfect match. But you choose someone that you can choose to love… over and over, every day, through every quiet night, through every charming smile, through every snotty tear and impatient remark.

    Someone with a shared vision for their life, someone you respect and admire. And as a Christian, someone who draws me closer to Christ. That’s all you can ask.

  13. I’ve had that kind of love!! It was amazing wonderful a d crazy beautiful!! People would tell us all the time they can feel it oozing from us a d it was clear to see. I know we made others want for the same . The problem with those r that the fire is so hot and not just sexual but in all ways it Hurst like he’ll when things aren’t good . It’s like ur limbs r being ripped off or ur heart is in so much h pain and all consuming to the mind. I still miss and feel like I expect that that is love however I have realized that because we r both real people, real stuff can creep up and when real people who don’t k ow how to handle a real situation it becomes so incredibly toxic and steals more than u were gifed when it’s all done . The pain of being so stripped of that kind of love is excruciating and I’m still feeling like I barely survived and am forever changed not in good way but I try to find the lessons learned and my scares will forever show. I still love that man and ache for that feeling like a drug and just gotta have that high . Ya I guess I could say it’s a drug and I’m in recovery just looking for someone that I know will always fall short of that however I gotta move on like everyone else and it wouldn’t be fair to expect that same feeling from another or hold that against them. In a new relationship ya I struggle with feeling like OK mabey this isn’t for me, however my new partner is so logical and keeps me grounded and yes I choose him. I misss my drugs and some days r harder than others but I barely survived so I choose better. Gotta add it was so good it was worth the pain because who gets to experience that? Not many but there is a price and I learned alot and am going to continue to struggle everyday until the day I die . It’s real its the most amazing experience but every high has a low and falling from that high is going to leave scars

  14. I do have a healthy happy marriage where we are very much in love. It took awhile for it to be fully healthy but we were always in love. Two pretty broken people that fell in love. But… I currently know zero other couples that are that way. Even my parents who have been married for 50 years. They love each other but they don’t remotely understand each other and they don’t really talk. I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky and it makes me sad thinking so many people that are in relationships are miserable for one reason or another. Idk I’m not saying no one is happy but they aren’t friends with their spouses which to me seems like what’s the point if you aren’t friends? I do think most of them love each other, they just don’t like each other.

  15. I don’t know if I would say the majority but I spent like 17 years with the wrong person. Just hoped it would get better but it didn’t. The funny part is he thought he wouldn’t find someone else. He’s been with his girlfriend for four years now and I’m still single. 😂

  16. I think people have a ton of soul mates and the one you wind up with is only THE one because of the choices you made to get there. You build your foundation out of concrete not sticks and it can be a beautiful thing.

    I’m very lucky to have a partner who I do think is perfect for me. I know im very lucky and if any of the many choices I made down the line were different I don’t think I’d be here.

  17. Well with the man I’m seeing, it is truly that I’m in love with him and not settling.

    Many men tried to entice me to go out with them while I’ve been seeing this man, so if there ever came a time when he ever decided to drop me, I’ll be sad, sure. There might be a minute before I want to try to have someone else in my life, but when I want to eventually try again, I know there are some men out there who want to try to have me with them.

    I won’t ever fall to pieces because “the man I’m in love with doesn’t love me back.”

  18. Of course people are with the wrong people. There are so many reasons why people end up with the wrong person but, it’s comfort and the fear of being alone that keeps them with this person. People give me crap all the time about being single and like I tell them, I’m comfortable being by myself. There are times when I do get lonely I’ll admit that but I rather be alone than with the wrong person. I have experienced being with the wrong person and I never want to feel the way I felt again. That motivates me to remain single till I find the right person.

  19. every time i go back to my hometown i feel this way. feels like everyone grew up with the same boring personality and they get along with anyone because no one is really interesting.

  20. Compatibility is not a lifetime guarantee.. growing out of love is more common I think then simply never having been at all. Also dragging out the inevitable is far too common.

  21. I’m in a relationship with myself and I can’t wait to kill the other party

  22. After two marriages for a total of 33 years, I believe that people marry out of societal expectations and hormonal need to have a family. The partner we choose is more of convenience and sexual attraction which is not a lot to base a relationship on. I feel it’s best to find someone who is your friend, a true friend, that is something you can base a long relationship on. If you give up on your hopes and dreams to be with that person, don’t make the mistake of blaming them for what will subsequently be your bitterness at that loss. Mostly, I feel we pick partners that will teach us the life lessons about ourselves that we need to learn.

  23. As long as you don’t base your love for someone on their status, height, or music taste you’ll be okay lol. I’m all seriousness though people lie to themselves saying they love their SO’s because of those specific reasons. Later to divorce them lol. Better to be single and wait for real love you know.

  24. Don’t settle. Don’t look for perfection either- find someone ur seriously attracted to and u love and ur set

  25. I’ll actually take that sentiment further: many of our relationship issues stem from how awkward it is to meet prospective mates. We stay in bad relationships because we have doubts about meeting someone else to be with. We ignore red flags at the beginning of relationships because we’re worried that this might be the best chance we get. We over-think the interactions we have with potential mates because we place so much importance on the progress of the dating rituals (because we have fears about getting more chances).

  26. So I know this topic is very polarizing. Its like there’s two positions on this, either people dont settle and keep looking for the soulmate type of thing or others learn to love whats good for them.

    I’m a firm believer in finding someone who’s wired like me. Nothing is perfect, but it should be easy. That whole “love is hard” bullshit I dont subscribe to. I’ve been in love, a couple times. Most recently with someone who showed me that yes in fact it can be easy.

    If you are with someone who’s wired like you things flow in a way that it just doesn’t otherwise. You know when you can both look at each other and laugh at the same time for the same reason. When you both just ‘get it’ what ever it may be. When talks about emotions, sex, bills, trust, ect is easy. When those talks just flow and it feels like you always come to a solution. When you wake up knowing that you will do what ever it takes to make them happy and you know they’re going to do the same.

    When you leave your partner all the blue M&M’s in the bag because those are their faves. When it makes you happy to do it.

    Thats the kind of easy thats I’m talking about. Thats the kind of easy thats out there and thats the kind of easy I will wait for.

    I will have hard conversations with someone I’m talking to or dating early and often. I know what I want and what I need from someone. If they red flag any of those “known” things, I’ll move on. Early and often.

    So for me, its not so much that I’m waiting for the perfect one, I’m waiting for the easy to love one. I refuse to waste swipes, or dates, or years of my life being with someone thats hard to love.

  27. Can confirm I was with someone and realized I was starting to settle. Not because person wasn’t “good enough” for me or that I was so much better, but I knew it wasn’t a good match. I also feel it wasn’t a positive or safe space for me. I started to realize how people end up in miserable marriages.

  29. Soulmate concept is bullshit, life’s not perfect nor are people, your connection to your partner is what counts.

    Even attraction will vary over the course of a relationship, if you’re idealising the idea of what things should be you will really struggle to find someone to go the distance with because you essentially have a foot out the door because nothing material will ever match your idea.

    That’s my take

  31. I found someone who is perfect. I met her when I was young but didn’t realize that we are perfect for each other. Tried to get with other people but I always ended up going back to her. Finally realized some time ago and its amazing. Its a great feeling after I used to think that no girl will ever love me for me.

    Its not rare, you attract what you are and what you truly want. Expectations can never be high because there is always someone who has those expectations too. Love is also built, not found. You need to put in work to make love last and that’s why a lot of couples don’t become compatible after. The couples that stay for life however, make sure to put in the effort.

  32. I’m a hopeless romantic and honestly I’m glad I never settled (I couldn’t even if I wanted to) because I genuinely met the love of my life. I think what makes it more beautiful when you do meet the right person is that you never gave up!

  33. I think the vast majority of people are in relationships because they’re afraid of being alone.

  34. I think your expectations are too high. You’re never going to find someone 100% compatible. You could even have some issues you completely differ on and conflict constantly with your partner, but still be head over heels in love. What makes a relationship work is not being 100% compatible, but both being understanding of each other and willing to work together and compromise to make each other happy. And sometimes you just have to roll your eyes and ignore some things BECAUSE you love them. And it’s not easy for everyone. People only show you their best side, not the struggles within.

  35. What does being with the “right” or “wrong” person even mean? What does being “compatible” mean?

    If it means that you don’t fight or agree on everything, then those aren’t reasonable expectations.

    If it means being able to communicate calmly and maturely when there are disagreements, taking responsibility for your actions, apologizing when you’ve done something wrong, accepting your partner for who they are, then there’s plenty of people who are married to the “right” people.

  36. There is a great book titled Why you will marry the wrong person. You should read it!

  37. Urgh I’ve given up on love, dunno if I’m even psychologically capable of it anymore, I need to do a lot more work on myself besides. Peace and good luck to all those still dating out there.

  38. Yes! Yes, they are.

    I don’t blame movies and books for high expectations on love…..I blame social pressure to be with someone (and without doing much browsing) and the institution of marriage.
    So many people think about wedding dresses and don’t think about the legal aspect and then one day you wake up and have cosigned loans and have kids with an alcoholic/emotionally, phyisically abusive partner or just someone who is completely different from the person you married. And if you lived from paycheck to paycheck before, then now you are stuck, because you can’t afford a divorce.

    The married people around me complain about their life and their partner and then go “so, when are you settling down?”. No, thanks, I love my life, I love myself and I am happy on my own. So what if I hang out with various partners? You haven’t had sex for decades and the only reason your partner gets you flowers is out of obligation to avoid drama.

    People think that someone else can make them happy, that marriage will fill the void, but if you are miserable, then you will be miserable wherever you go because you are always taking yourself along.

  39. “Never settle” is such fucking terrible and toxic advice, I see it all the time on here and it’s one of the worst things about this sub.

    The idea you are going to find somebody who is flawless and perfect for you, and there are never going to be ups and downs is a fucking fantasy. Everybody will either settle eventually or be alone forever, that is reality, nobody is perfect, including yourself, so being a little bit more accepting and open to others is probably the way forward for a lot of those frustrated at not stumbling across something from a Disney movie.

  40. Everyone is wrong. There is no such thing as the one. So it’s up to you to determine what type of wrong is right for you

  41. I just met someone last week on Hinge. She messaged me on Easter night out of the blue. We started talking and honestly, I’ve never met a female that I got along with as well as her. The conversation flowed naturally and wasn’t painfully slow and boring like some people I talk to on these apps. We met at Olive Garden the next day and had dinner and ended up making out in the car afterwards…..for like an hour and a half. I’ve never had feelings this strong and this fast for any woman. I might be blinded by love but I think I found the person that I’m most compatible with. To be fair , it’s only been a week but I’m constantly thinking about her.

  42. I refuse to settle. Met my wife after 20 years of dating neither of us had ever been married. We met on OkCupid. We would have never met in the real world as we were in different social circles. 1st date we shared our dinners. I was going to play it cool but she asked me on a 2nd date which turned into a long weekend. 3rd date was a multi-day camping trip. I knew on that camping trip this was it. We travel to Africa for a month a few month later got engaged and got married within 6 months. That was a few years ago. We have a child now and every step of the way I’ve been happier than I have ever been. We have a solid relationship, trust, happiness, so many laughs and lots of love. I honestly didn’t know I could love this much. I really found my person. I hope you find the same. I really wish this for everyone.

  43. You need to find someone whose a demisexual and prioritize on basing the realationships on friendship and love and rather than 24/7 sexual or romantic attraction. In my opinion attraction don’t last forever and most likely not last in long term relationships. If most people had depth to them and worked with themselves before getting into a long term relationship it would work

  44. I believed that at one point until I started living by a different philosophy. If it isn’t real, then why bother. I would like to feel something and if that never comes, then I’m OK to be single.

    Too many people enter relationships based out of boredom, loneliness or just straight up desperation due to financial struggles or the need of companionship. It’s all fake and online dating apps just enhance this because we all go on dates with 0 chemistry and try to force feed these feelings. A lot of the time we end up manipulating ourselves or others into thinking it’s real, when we all know deep down that it’s not, but loneliness or desperation is a very powerful emotion and it generally conquers all.

    I would say keep aiming high, hold out for your soulmate, but be realistic that it might never happen and you have to be OK with that.

    I’m lucky that I have a lonewolf mentality and generally I’m happier when alone, so I can live knowing that I might not have someone by my side. Luckily I already have a child so I can prioritize elsewhere in my life.

  45. i think its even worse than you say . i think alot of people are with somone just because at some point they wanted to have sex with them . this is based on how often i have heard boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wives talk about how miserable they are . and how high the divorce rate is . people hook up for sex and end up dating . the relationship isnt based on mutual respect , mutual intrests or weither they actually like them as a person . part of this is due to human nature , people pretending to be somone their not , pretending to be better than they are , and pretending to have more interest than they really feel . and eventually the scales fall off and they reveal who they really are and how they really feel . and then it falls apart.

    im always amazed at my friends that are in a relationship with somone that they would not consider their best friend .

    ​

    of course this isnt all people or all relationships , but far too many

  46. I’ve come to understand 2 things…

    1) Most people are not *that* willing to work on themselves in Life. They say they are, but true ‘accountability’ is an extremely rare trait that a lot of people can’t handle.

    2) A lot of people aren’t capable of feeling deep levels of ‘love’. I don’t believe in unconditional love, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone without it being only self-serving. I feel most people confuse ‘feelings’ with ‘love’, they confuse ‘familiarity’ with ‘love’. And I think a lot of people ‘love’ self-servingly.

    I’ve learned that most people are also incapable of feeling extremely deeply. For a multitude of reasons. Narcissism, Trauma, fear of being hurt…

    I’ve learned that one person’s ‘I Love You’ is vastly different from another’s ‘I Love You’. I’ve heard partners say ‘I Love You’ before realizing that the depth of that love was very limited in comparison to the depth I might feel it at.

    So getting into relationships can become very tricky. The words are the same, but they mean very different things. The acts seem genuine, but when push comes to shove, you see people’s true colors, what they’re really made of.

    They say there’s someone for everyone. I don’t know if that’s true. I feel there’s too little true motivation to face your demons. Too much narcissism. Self-servitude. Rather, I feel healthy relationships become more and more rare. Genuine feelings, sincere intentions, legitimate compatibilities…

    I recommend most people seek therapy, spend time alone, and reject co-dependent tendencies until they figure themselves out. But who’s truly willing to undergo that..?

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