My(26f) husband(29m) died about 4.5 months ago from a motorcycle accident. It was unexpected and devastating. We have a 6 month old daughter and we were married for 3 years.
I have worked with this guy (35m) for a couple of years. I have known him almost all of my life and he used to be a family friend, he still is but not as actively now. After my husband died I was in a terrible mental state and felt like I was in the twilight zone or something. My anxiety and depression were off the charts and it has been awful.
The man I am seeing now was great after it happened, like above and beyond. He checked on me all of the time and did things for me. It was natural and I genuinely enjoyed him being around. He started coming to my house a few times a week and we got close. One thing led to another and things escalated that now we are together but have tried to keep things private for now.
My sister found out by coming by my house one night when he was there. She was shocked he was there. She called me later asking 100 questions, I tried downplaying it at first but it was kind of obvious. It quickly traveled to the rest of my family. I know my family’s objections are coming from a place of concern which I appreciate. They think it is way too soon and I am not in a place where I should be dating and that it is going to look bad. Neither of us were looking for this and I honestly don’t know where I would be without him right now. I can see if my daughter was a little older that it would be bad for her but she is still a very small baby. Maybe I’m wrong about that. Most of my family are really mad at him.
I know people’s first thought will be affair, but it could not be further from the truth. There was never anything between us before these last couple of months. This does not mean I am over what happened because I am definitely not and have conflicting feelings all of the time. I never imagined myself with anyone else and it is bizarre sometimes. I still miss him all of the time but I know he is not coming back and this has been making me feel much better. Since I have known him so long I know the type of person that he is.
I really need advice on this one. Am I really that wrong and should I take a step back? I am going to tell my husband’s family soon before they hear it from someone else, not sure how that will go but they are probably going to be upset with me too. Any advice on that and dealing with my family?
TL;DR: My husband passed away 4.5 months ago. I am dating someone else and everyone is mad at me. Not sure how to deal with all of this
48 comments
You should be raising your 6 month old baby, in therapy for the loss of your husband, and taking care of yourself mentally and physically. Even considering the thought of another person seems mind numbing with everything else on your plate
I can’t really say whether or not this is right or wrong. What really matters is that you take care of yourself and your baby. Whatever wounds you have can come back to bite you in the ass if you don’t take time of yourself after a massive and devastating loss.
On the one hand it’s not their business, on the other hand starting something with a dude who swoops in right after your husband dies and getting involved before you’ve actually had a chance to grieve seems like a really, really bad move.
4.5 months?!?!
That’s just cold
Take some time
It seems like your rushing into it
I have to agree with your family, it’s way too soon. 4.5 months is very recent…
If you move to fast, family may believe you had something with this man prior to your husband’s death. Get grief counseling and only move on once you have truly dealt with the loss.
He’s almost a decade older than you and a family “friend”. How old were you when you first met him? He’s taking advantage of your grief and vulnerability. There’s a reason they tell people not to make major changes the first year after a loss. You need grief counseling, not a boyfriend.
Learn to stand on your own two feet before you lean on someone else. Don’t turn into one of those women who jump from man to man because they never learned how to be alone. Both you and your daughter deserve better.
I am sorry for your loss – I believe you should start therapy for grieving. I believe they say at least a year – 2 years before starting something new. You have to heal and process your grief. I’d that was my sister in law moving on so quick I would be mortified and hurt.
Nothing wrong with a friendship – however a relationship is too soon and shame on him for not waiting
If he truly cares about you he will wait
If you still miss him and have conflicting feelings it’s not fair for either of you to be in a relationship.
Ummm 4.5 months is *very* soon to start dating after a death, much less a regular breakup. You should be in therapy and mourning your loss before even thinking about dating. Be careful that you’re not subconsciously jumping into a new relationship to avoid being alone and sorting through your feelings
Way too soon in terms of you dealing with your own feelings. Dealing with grief is also very important, and just pressing it down to just date won’t be good on yourself. Going with him might look like a safe option but it could f up your life too. Take care
Starting up with this dude a mere 4 months after the traumatic, unexpected death of your (presumably healthy) young husband, which happened in the nearly immediate wake of you having your first baby? Yeah, expect his family to totally believe you’ve been cheating all along, and with that timeline you really can’t blame them.
You might be struggling with loss and confusion, but Mr Family Friend sure af isn’t.
I find it very uncomfortable he wasn’t super close to the family but suddenly was there for you when this all happened. It feels extremely predatory.
It also sounds like you’re not processing your grief. He is managing it for you and you’re pouring everything into this man. You sound very dependent on him already and like you would be a miserable mess or not even know what you would do without him. That’s unhealthy.
He liked you before your husband died and swooped in right after. Honestly it seems pretty suspicious and I get why your family is concerned
I think you need more therapy than a relationship.
This dude knew exactly what he was doing.
Do not make any big decisions for at least a year. You want to date, fine. But no moving into together or getting married or more. Not only are you still grieving for you husband BUT your hormones are still sorting themselves out from pregnancy. It can easily take a full year for your body to find it’s new normal after giving birth, including hormones.
Grief counseling can help. It helped me because I could bounce these insane things going on in my head off an unbiased person and they’d tell me if I was nuts or not. Not exactly but that was what I kept asking her. Take a breath, take a step back and see if there’s someone unconnected that you can talk to.
I feel like this guy kind of manipulated you into this. It’s only been a few months. You haven’t grieved your loss much because he’s been there the entire time trying to make you forget what you lost and replace the grief with a rebound type of happiness.
I know slipping into a depression is emotionally taxing. After losing the man you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, though, it’s normal and to be expected. This is something you cope with in therapy or grief counselling. It’s not something you push down with a new relationship.
If you don’t deal with the grief, it WILL come back. Next time, though, it will be much worse.
You need to take a step back and work through this.
Take your time to heal and process the loss of your husband. If he truly loves you, he will take things slow with you and wait for you.
The dating isn’t the problem. It is the predatory nature of the relationship that is the problem.
Some man nearly 10 years older swoops in, right when you are the most vulnerable. He’s known you since you were 13.
This feels really gross and not because it’s only been less than 5 months. Sometimes when people really were happy in their relationship and they lose their partner to death, they are more likely to move on quickly.
This, though… You want to date now? Fine. Not this guy, though. He’s used your vulnerability and history to insert himself.
4.5 months or possibly sooner and boom the man jumps right in. I side with the family. You are in such a vulnerable state, even if you don’t realize it. Moving on so quickly just looks really bad. You need to step back and learn how to grieve instead of looking for a replacement. Take time to actually grieve the loss of your husband and the loss of your marriage and your child’s father. This man had a thing for you when you were married, and got you while you’re in no position to properly think. You’re broken, it’s okay. But this man’s action are 100% untrustworthy.
Welp, I used to say there is no wrong way to grieve. Thanks for proving me wrong on that one.
I hope my husband moves on if I die, but if he can’t wait more than 4.5 months to do so, I’m coming back to haunt him. That’s the behavior of someone who values human life and relationships very little.
I would say it is too early for you to enter into a relationship. You should take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost. And be able to move on already after 4.5 months. But it is earlier than that as it has been going on for a while. So when did they start? Already after 2 months? Your husband has barely passed away and you are already in a new relationship. Sounds a bit like he took advantage of a hurt woman who doesn’t know any better to get what he wants. Or this started even before your husband passed away. Otherwise, you should have felt that you were still unfaithful to your husband even though he passed away.
A family friend who’s know you since you were 13. Conveniently there after you lose your husband.. tale as old as timeeeeee 🎶
You probably weren’t looking for this but he was.. there are people who prey on single parents and widows.
It’s not that we think you had an affair. It’s that he’s a predator 10 years older than you who first met you when you were 13.
Some of the comments here are kind of harsh to you so I’m sorry for that as I’m sure you already feel guilty…
This is too fast and too soon. It does make it appear this man was trying to take advantage of you. That is a thing that some men do.
You are grieving and it’s understandable some of your actions may not be the best thing right now. Your whole world got turned upside down. The comfort he’s provided you has probably felt nice. However, it’s not the healthiest way of coping.
I’d suggest to pump the brakes on this definitely. End it for now… do not share with your husbands family that you’re already with someone else. That will hurt them and they will make many assumptions. Focus on yourself, find a grief counselor and raising your baby.
Your family is kind of right, sorry to tell you that. You are not in the headspace for a relationship right now, especially with a guy ten years your senior who kinda waited for the moment you were “free” again. You can date again if you feel like it, but not even 6 months later is way too early. That won’t work.
I was a widow at your age with a toddler – I did not listen to the one year rule. I fully regret it.
Please give yourself more time, regardless of this “family friend”.
Sorry but I agree with your family. I think you need to focus on therapy instead of a relationship with a man that couldn’t wait to swoop in.
You’re going through a million things right now and a new relationship shouldn’t be a priority. You have a very young baby and you should be focused on her and yourself healing. This guy seems like he was just waiting to swoop in
I’m sorry for your loss, but the whole situation doesn’t seem right to me, assuming you are in your most vulnerable period of time right now.
If there is anyone for you to trust, generally, it’s your family, before anyone else, to some extent. As an adult you need and must be able to receive the feedback from your family, understand why, make a decision, then communicate it with them. If anyone tells you it’s none of their business, they probably are struggling as hell with their relationships, too.
For a man knowing you since you were 13, this whole kind of dating thing just after 4.5 months is just weird. I as person will never do such kind of thing, when a recent deceased husband and a 6m/o child are involved. I’d suggest you to be extremely careful and give yourself a lot of time to think about this.
By any chance if you think your family loves you, and you are lucky to have one, now is the time to trust them.
Best of luck!
I was widowed at 34 and had a young daughter
I had a FWB relationship after 6 months cause I like and want sex but I didn’t even consider a serious relationship until I met my current husband 18 months after my husband died
I thought 18 months was probably a bit early
Almost a decade older should be old enough to know to let you grieve (and manage postpartum) in piece. I just had my baby, the postpartum period alone is a lot to deal with. You have had at least two major life events happen to you within the last 6 months – one of great joy and another of great devastation. It is best you take the time to navigate through this. Even if this guy is right for you (he’s not) do you want to present yourself to anyone without taking a full assessment of your state of mind right now? Suppose you don’t address both of these major life events and then you bring that baggage into a relationship, because you failed to deal with it in the present and develop coping skills.
Heal up.
He should know better.
4.5 months is really fast and this guy sounds extremely predatory. I’m betting he has had his eye on you for some time and saw his chance.
He must have been over the moon when your husband died…
That man you’re with isn’t a “good guy” at all. He’s taking full advantage of your vulnerable state atm. This guy is bad news.
I know you’re super young and your husband just died. I am so sorry. Please take some time to grieve his death. Go spend time with your friends and family.
>Most of my family are really mad at him.
They should be. An old family friend’s daughter married the guy who moved in on her after her longtime partner died in a motorcycle crash. He played the nice guy act for a long time, but turned into the POS my friend had always suspected in the end.
This guy is scum for moving in on you like he has. You’re not in the wrong, you’ve been manipulated. Take a break. Find other sources of support. Multiple sources. If he’s as good as he seems to you right now, he can wait a year with zero nonprofessional contact.
Look, it’s too soon to date. You cannot skip the grieving process, it’ll come back to bite you on the bum later
Wait. So your husband died 4.5 months ago. And you started a relationship ship a “couple months ago” if we say a couple is 2. You jumped into another relationship with a man who’s known you since you were 13 and he was an adult less than 3 months after?
You need to break that off and go to a grief counselor!
Take care of your baby, take care of your mental and physical health!
Everyone moves at different speeds but your husband just died a few months ago. From the comments of people not dating even after several years, you’re on the fast lane. Don’t go saying “we weren’t looking for this” because he certainly was—and a man swooping it shortly after a death should be a huge red flag not a potential life partner… especially under these circumstances. Tbh I’d probably get into it with any of my close friends/family if they did something like this.
You were technically single the moment he died. That sounds harsh doesn’t it? And that’s the sort of train of thought against you here.
I’m normally someone who doesn’t believe in a suitable amount of time between relationships. Like if you get dumped feel free to go out that very night, in fact it’s a great way to get over it.
But if someone you loved dies then it’s pretty unusual to be ready to move on so fast.
You say he comes up very roughly every couple of weeks so by that inference you have been seeing him at least 6 weeks. If death was day 0 and you are currently on day 135 here’s your rough timeline
Day 0- death
Day 7 – funeral planned
Day 14 – funeral over
Day – 45 Estate sorted
Day 86 – relationship starts
So in actual fact there’s been around 41 days or 1.5 months between becoming available. That’s likely the issue
4.5 months?! OP, you need therapy, that’s even less time than your whole babies out of the womb life
A good, sensible man with your best interest at heart would NOT do this.
> They think it is way too soon and I am not in a place where I should be dating and that it is going to look bad.
While this is none of anyone’s business, looking at your ages, the length of time you guys know each other, etc etc. TAKE A STEP BACK.
I’m going to tell you this: Your family is right to be concerned. And they’re also right about how this is going to look bad on you. Sure, with time, gossip will go away, but you’ll have that “mark” on you, and I think your family cares about your reputation. If you don’t care, then you know what, throw caution to the wind… if you do care, I would try to listen to your family without getting offended. But I think they’re more concerned that this man is taking advantage of your vulnerability.
With how you described things, it sounds to me that he does take advantage though. Very convenient. He swooped in just at the right time. He did expect this to happen, he’s just not saying it. And you’re also …unfortunately “using” him so that you don’t have to grieve your dead husband. Imo, you need to work through your grief instead of using another as a rebound as well.
I’m sorry about the loss of your husband. I’d suggest grief counseling if you haven’t already.
If my wife started banging a dude she works with before the bugs have even picked me clean, I’m reaching up from hell and dragging her down to me. Now we’re both having a bad time. Your family is right, this is a bad look. I don’t understand why women are so fascinated with guys they work with in the first place.
Also? You lost your husband while still postpartum. From my own experience, it took me an entire year to feel like my normal self after having given birth. You went through TWO major life changing events practically in the same moment. There’s a lot to process and work through. Please give yourself some grace and some time. I know you feel lonely and scared to face your new reality, and to realize the weight of your future alone with your baby, but you owe it to yourself and to your child to be more intentional. Slow down and breathe.
And this man is a predator. He was a man who was attracted to a child. He was probably grooming you and waiting until you were safely legal to make the final move, but you probably met your husband and that threw a wrench in his plans. But he swooped in mere moments after he was gone to cash in on all that work he put it.
Show him this Reddit thread, let you know you are on to him, and go hug your sister for caring enough about you to save you from this man.
How much love was there for your husband if you started a relationship 2 months after he died and whilst you had a 8 week old baby???
This sounds like trauma bonding. He is also a predator.
Also pls keep in mind you now have a daughter to raise. Don’t be giving foreign men such easy access to your vulnerable child
Anyone who would make a move on a grieving widow is to me a creep. Your emotional and not thinking straight what’s his excuse he’s like a vulture swooping down to take advantage. If you truly loved your husband then you won’t have had time to properly grieve his loss yet and while this might make you feel good temporarily in the long run it won’t work out and you will have upset a lot of people. My advice would be to remove him from the equation. Seek therapy and work through the issues and if at a time when you have resolved your feelings you want to start something then do so. Rebounds with grief never work out well.