I know it takes practice that is a given and I feel I’ve been doing that for a year now pushing myself to talk to people but I still face certain problems such as
– Not knowing what to talk about, especially when there’s awkward pauses and I don’t know what to say. It’s even worse it looks like they aren’t going to say anything.
– While talking all I can focus on is “I’m giving too much eye contact” “okay now that’s not enough” “why are your arms glued to your sides” etc which leads to me not even fully taking in what they’re saying.
– I notice with a lot of people (especially talkative ones) they talk so much and interrupt a lot so I always feel like when I do get a chance to talk I have to rush what I’m saying in fear of they will cut me off, which causes me to stumble/stutter my words and it overall makes me anxious because I feel like I have a timer before they cut me off or talk over me. Which leads to me not wanting to talk for the rest of the conversation.
– I would say my biggest issue is not all the time but I know people like they talk especially if someone is listening to them and I get the vibe people are waiting for me to stop talking just so they can say what they want. And because I feel that way I have no interest in talking to people.
– I also notice whenever I do talk people have trouble hearing me and ask me to repeat myself. And what’s weird is in my head I feel like I’m loud enough but apparently I’m not. And when I repeat myself so they can hear me I feel like I’m yelling 😂
I would like to mention this isn’t with everyone. It it’s close friends or family I can hold a conversation and don’t face any of these issues. But if anyone outside of that I struggle.
Do you have any advice?
4 comments
Ask questions. People love talking about themselves
It feels like your conversations need to be more interactive and fun. For example, regarding ‘awkward pauses’ and ‘not knowing what to talk about’ — if you’re ENGAGED with what the other person is saying to you, then you follow up naturally with a relevant question, comment or insight of your own related to what they just said. In other words, you LINK to what they’re saying.
On the eye contact/body language stuff, this is an issue of being overly focused on the microdetails, and not enough on the ATTITUDE and the VIBE of the conversation. If you’re bringing an interested, enthusiastic and fun VIBE to the interaction, you will automatically have good eye contact and enthusiastic body language. So you won’t have to worry about those things.
For bullet point three, relate your comments to what they’re saying (as I noted above) and they won’t be looking to talk over you or cut you off because what you’re saying will complement what they’re talking about.
Bullet point 4 is only a guess on my part, but I suspect you’re not used to speaking with some passion, some positive emotion, some social energy. Because if you DO, then people are often happy to listen to you. They want to catch some of your positive emotion.
Bullet point 5 — this is something you need to practice at home. And I suggest practicing OUT LOUD and take it OVER THE TOP. You need to get used to the sound of your own voice being louder, being more enthusiastic, being more engaged, having more energy. (You can calibrate it some once you take it public, but going louder and more exaggerated at first helps to cement the new habit.)
So talk to your housepets (if you have any) in a loud, cheerful, ENTHUSIASTIC tone. Give pretend responses from them, the sillier the better. Have FUN with this! If you don’t have a pet, direct your remarks to a houseplant.
Or, pretend you’re a radio announcer narrating the play-by-play of your life. Do this several time a day with ENERGY! Make funny comments about what you’re doing. Get used to the sound of yourself being a bit “out there” and “fun” and “enthusiastic.”
All of this should be done OUT LOUD. In your house, while you’re out on a walk, if you’re driving a car, whatever.
Practice this for several weeks until it sounds like you. THEN bring this more animated version of you to your social life.
And watch your conversations flow more naturally too!
Good luck.
Talking to people
Listening.
Seriously. Listen to the conversation. What are people talking about? What’s the tone? If you can’t add to it, it’s ok to listen. You’ll learn what people talk about and how they talk about it. Then you can plug in to ylthe mood and flow.