TW: comment on suicide at the end.
Yesterday was Easter, it was the worst day. There were good parts with my family. To preface, I (24f) just broke up with my boyfriend (27m) he cheated on me the whole time. I finally left after 7 and a half years, obviously I have a hard time being alone. I’m very self aware. I’m very okay, with the breakup it has been a long time coming. To top it all off, he gave me herpes. So, I broke up with him, he’s still talking to me but I’m just not interested. So I woke up on Easter Sunday, at 7:30 to my 6 year old brother that I live with yelling and waking me up. I understand he was excited, I had a bad sister moment and ignored him. He came back in shoving his iPad in my face telling me “it’s NINE ITS NINE”. (He meant the date..the 9th) so I was triggered and I snapped at him.
He is autistic, he only needs minimal help but he started crying and left my room. By the time I went out there to see what he had gotten he said “I’m not talking to you anymore” (just for an hour or so) so I said okay and played some games for a couple hours on the phone w/ a guy I am talking to.
This guy I’m talking to is 27, we’ll call him Johnny. I started talking to him when I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago, but we ended up getting back together. This guy was down for me 100% and I fucked that up I can take that blame. I hurt somebody who didn’t hurt me. But I ghosted him for a few months and we ended up talking again.
Yesterday we were supposed to hang out at 6 after we were done with family plans. He didn’t get home until 8 which I completely understand, it’s Easter. He said I could come over and we had, had plans for me to give him head as I have an STI, and we’re just not at the point where we want to risk it.
Except his head is sooo disrespectful, picture a hardcore p*rn w spit, snot whole nine. I told him I wasn’t down for that, and then to just leave. (He said he wanted to go to bed at 10 so I would need to be out by 9-930)
He asked me if I would want to do it less rough or if I just didn’t want to do it at all. I wanted to do it but, I also wanted to stay with him longer. I got inside and we ended up doing the original plan. He asked me sincerely if I wanted to continue before I started, I said yes because I was so lonely and I wanted to make him happy, I want it to be how it used to be. So I did that, and then we rolled up a blunt and went outside. We came back to his room and he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I wanted to lay next to him on my phone while he plays games, we had done that before and I know he likes physical touch so I was touching his leg.
He got a call about 9:20, so an hour and 10 minutes after I got there. He scooted up to the edge of the bed as soon as he got the call. Shortly after he asked me to leave , and I immediately got up and said “yeah I was just thinking that” he walked me to the door and looked out the window before he opened the front door.
Now to preface with Johnny, he had a girlfriend of one year, who already had a child (Susie) before they got together that was 1. She was crazy and cheated on him the entire time and he eventually left, however he still hangs out w the kid and is at the moms beck and call. We had gone to dinner at one point a week or so ago, and he was on his phone THE ENTIRE TIME worried about her because she claimed 2 guys were following her and the daughter home. This was after she freaked out about him FOLLOWING ME ON TIK TOK. And he deleted his tik tok app shortly after. (He said it was because he was wasting too much time on it) The mom had said she wasn’t going to let him see Susie anymore so he would do anything for that.
I totally understand stepchildren and stepparents, I have had several. I support him being in the child’s life. But at her beck and call? And revolving your life around her because she uses her own kid as a pawn? I don’t know.
So I’m sitting there thinking he just got a call from her, he asked me to leave and now I’m leaving. He was short after that, didn’t talk much and went to bed without saying goodnight. I got in my car , and almost immediately started crying but I figured I needed to get out of his driveway in case that baby mama was driving by. So I left and cried the whole way home to my sister. I am lonely, so incredibly lonely and I just let a man that has his eyes and interest in someone else use me and abuse me, for what? An hour of attention and some weed ?
I did tell him how I felt and what I thought about what happened and he said “I get it. I always look out the door even if I’m passing by ask anyone and I sat up because of the game I was playing.” I don’t know if I believe it but because of what I have done, and the fact we’re not obligated to each other I just said I might have read into it to much and moved on.
So I’m feeling pretty shitty about myself, lonely, used, dirty because I have herpes and I feel nobody will want me.
I took a shower when I got home and felt a bit better, I ended up smoking myself and scrolling tinder. Where if I already wasn’t on a self destructive streak, we are now. Because I started messaging a couple on tinder. I have never been interested in a threesome and still am not. I trauma dumped on this random on tinder, sexted him for an hour, and then tried to get off and while I was using my vibrator it died on me right in the middle. At this point, if I was suicidal I would off myself. It is a terrible day.
7 comments
Any and all advice accepted, other people’s perspectives would be nice. Please be kind 😅
All say I can say is stay single and actually, work on yourself
Stop trying to fill this void
Delete the Apps cause they ain’t helping
You’re going to be okay. Men aren’t the answer though. No mans company is worth that blow job. Zip, zero, nada. You’re abusing yourself. Stop it. Get a whole life that doesn’t revolve around a man. You’ll be fine.
If you want to be loved, you need to start with loving yourself.
Also, the desperate and “no-self-esteem” energy you’re putting out is both going to attract only people looking to take advantage of you, and actively drive away people who don’t, because a decent person would understand you are nowhere near ready to be in a relationship right now.
* Block your shitty ex
* delete your dating apps/tiktok
* consider if you’re using weed the same way alcoholics use alcohol (which is not a healthy approach)
* apologize to your brother
* figure out your educational/financial situation so you can get your own place
* therapy
I understand that being lonely sucks, but letting that drive your decisions won’t leave you any less lonely or miserable.
Realistically, is your dream to date someone like you as you are today? Would you be attracted to that messiness, the lack of confidence, going to randos on dating apps for attention?
My guess is probably not.
If you want to attract the sort of person you’d want to date, work towards being that sort of person.
Bad days will happen, especially in the fallout of a breakup. Rebounds will happen, you’ll do things that with a clearer mind probably weren’t great ideas. People will disappoint you, no question.
You know all this. This is adult life. But it isn’t a reason to go all in. It isn’t a reason to court drama like this. If you take some time alone, really process everything and get on top of your emotions and don’t pivot any romantic pursuit around just filling the gaps you will find yourself in a better place significantly sooner.
You had the bad luck of going from a bad relationship to a rebound dynamic with a guy that is apparently just as toxic. That sucks but don’t let the fact they are awful convince you that somehow this is your fault or that this is how it has to be.
It sounds like you used him as much as he used you and you’re just not in a state to be trying to date anyone at all. You really need to chill and take time so that you’re not a complete lonely mess. I have a few friends with herpes who have found love fine it just takes slowing down and doing everything right so you’re not the reason someone else ends up with it.
You don’t need dating apps. You really need to take some time alone to heal.
I did listen everyone, I deleted the dating apps last night , so we’ll see how it goes!