I just got kicked out of my friend group.

I need some advice here.

I feel like every friendship I’m in either ends up with me fading away from the person over time as they move on from me or it ends in ruin. I feel like I’m the problem because this is an issue I’ve dealt with ever since I had my first real friends at the age of 15. Everyone I meet either keeps me on the side or doesn’t want me in the group activities (one friend group has game night and dnd, but I’m just never there despite my openness to doing it. Invites never come out to me, no matter how assertive or passive I am), and then it feels like every time I join a friend group or get close to someone it’s going to result in me leaving it altogether.

Recently it was a local queer server. I made a mistake that had no malicious intentions, but it had consequences that effected another friend who is also the owner of a few local servers I’m a part of. They have since unfriended me and ever since that incident, a number of the members from those groups have been keeping their distance from me. This happened about two months ago, and it looks like the damage is done with no shot of it being repaired.

I have a lot of trust issues with other people because I’m afraid the closer I get to someone the more they are going to see ‘me’ for who I really am and going to lose them just like I lost everyone else in my life. I suffer from real abandonment issues because as I said, losing friends and getting kicked out of friend groups might as well be a hobby for me.

My dad told me a long time ago that “You only think about yourself, you just care about what goes on in ‘your’ world and just want to control other people”. I don’t know how much of this is true as no one ever really brings this up with me. If people have an issue with me, its usually the finishing blow, so I really don’t know. But every time I lose a friend or someone close to me, I feel like I deserve to be in my current position of being alone and miserable.

I’m trying to get in contact with a therapist but I work a 9-5 and can’t get time off work for the therapy, which I really need right now.