I’m feeling really lost, so thanks to anyone who reads this and takes the time to reply.
I met “Nick” right at the beginning of COVID lockdown and we had a whirlwind romance. We spent almost every day together and fell for each other pretty quickly. We’ve had ups and downs, mostly because of my Bipolar Disorder, but we still get along really well and I still feel very much in love with him.
We’ve lived together for the past year and a half and one of the recurring issues we had was that he has been really behind on finishing his degree (he has 1 semester left but hasn’t enrolled in classes) and hasn’t really found a good job. On the other hand, I graduated college in 2019 and I had a really good stable job for a while. I voiced my frustrations to him many times and it just became an annoying cycle.
These past few months, I’ve really seen him get his act together and start being more disciplined and productive. But then in February, I got laid off and had a huge falling out with a friend. I got extremely depressed and Nick really helped me through it. He was my biggest rock and admittedly, I started becoming really clingy and spiraled into a terrible depressive episode. Nick was always there, but after a while he told me that my bipolar disorder was starting to really take a toll on him. He said it was extremely draining to always take care of me emotionally, even though he was happy to, but that it just became too much and he felt like our relationship had become engulfed by my depression. I completely understand where he is coming from. My mom is bipolar and I know how much of a toll it can be to be around it all the time.
Well, our lease ends in July and a few weeks ago, I had asked him if he wanted to renew. He sat me down and said that he would like to get a place by himself because he has felt like the past few months have been very up and down. He also said he wants to work on himself because he’s not happy with where he’s at in life and also that he’s never not been in a relationship where he isn’t giving himself entirely to his partner (he jokes that he’s been a serial monogamist since he was 16).
I started freaking out and asked if he was breaking up with me. He said no and that he loves me very much and would like to continue to date. I asked him if he was stringing me along to soften the blow, but he still said he wants to be together but that he just needs space. He then went on to say if we did decide to break up, that he would still like to be friends and maybe even see if we could revisit things in the future. When he said this, I said it feels like he’s leading me on and he got frustrated and said he’s not trying to and that he just really needs space from all of the emotional things we’d recently gone through.
After this conversation, I got even sadder but had to get my shit together because I didn’t want to keep being a draining presence. We haven’t talked much about moving out in the past week and I’ve done my best to not let my depression take over me again. It feels like things are getting back to normal and we’ve been enjoying each other’s company. He’s been very affectionate and does a lot of things to make me happy.
I do believe Nick is a genuine person. He has always been amazing to me. He’s always been a gentleman and has never belittled or hurt me. And this has been a very different experience than my last relationship where I was being physically and mentally abused. I tend to constantly question people’s motives and think they are lying to me, but Nick has always assured me that he loves and cares for me.
I know no one can truly know what he is thinking, but what do y’all think? Am I being led on to make things easier? Is this something that people can work through? Is it best to just cut things off and see where the future takes us?
TL;DR: Bf of 3 years says he wants space to work on himself after I had a long depressive episode. He said he’d still like to be together, but I’m worried this is just a step to break up. Not sure how to go about this.
8 comments
I don’t think he’s leading you on *on purpose*, but you generally don’t solve problems in a relationship by putting more distance between yourself and your partner.
It sounds like he’s tired and wants the space and genuinely isn’t ready to break up. I do believe it’s very possible that he ends up finding the space nice and realizes he wants to end things. That said, I don’t think you have a lot of choices here. As I see it, there are two: (1) move out but stay together and see if it works or (2) break up now.
Are you treating your bipolar disorder?
Sometimes a little spatial distance can be just right for a relationship, especially if it has demanding periods. Doesn’t sound like he is putting you on, or at least doesn’t *want* to put you on.
This is something I seen go both ways. So, this is definitely something that can be worked through. If you are staying together you might find, as time progresses, that you need housing where each of you has his own room anyways.
​
>Am I being led on to make things easier?
Ask him. “Direct question, direct answer, please. I can take it.” You seem a respectful couple, it might be the best way to go.
Yes, I have to assume this is a step towards a break up. Whether he’s lying to you or himself or both I can’t say, but it’s clear that this is where things are heading.
Assuming he doesn’t want to break up, what does moving out accomplish? You are still together, but he still wants space, what does that look like? Are you limited in how much time you spend together? Why is he unable to improve himself while living with you?
It would be one thing if he said that he needs to see improvement from you on managing your depression and bipolar or else he wants to move out for some space until things improve. (You don’t mention if you are on medication or in therapy) but that’s not what he’s saying.
oh man this sounds like me! when someone needs space in a relationship, it can be a good thing. As someone going through something a little similar to what you are, ive done nothing but read and watch videos on it. Men like space to figure themselves out and find out who they are…or get back to where they are. Is there a risk? yes…but regardless you are powerless to push him, nor should we push our partners….you can take this time to improve yourself…exercise, develop a better understanding of bipolar disorder, work on your depression, and just try to understand yourself more. See about getting into contact with a therapist too who can help you through this. Honestly, besides that, you can’t really do much….it hurts like you’re getting strangled…the air you breathe becomes less dependable as you go through your moments…but you become stronger…at least that’s what i tell myself. there’s a video titled “what to do when he says he needs space…” by clayton olson coaching on youtube…it kind of made me understand the situation enough to not sob uncontrollably lol. how you act now directs the flow of things…if you’re acting controlling and clingy it usually makes people dial back….take this moment now to improve yourself and give him the space…respect him enough to allow him the space to readjust. some other things you can do:
-do meditation daily (go on youtube, type in 5 or 2 minute meditation and just follow it once daily)
-set routines and follow them…basic stuff like making the bed, bathing
-therapist is really going to help you manage bipolar disorder and depression.
***i have bipolar disorder myself, along with an anxious preoccupied attachment style. I tend to go into flight or fight mode upon hearing intense situations. I am going through a situation where my bf of 12 years is leaving…but unlike your man who just needs space…im met with “i dont know i don’t know.” I can’t pester him, and I can’t do anything except work on myself. Thats all you can do…but for you it sounds much better and positive than my situation and i wish you luck, one bipolar person to another.
Sounds like since you started a pandemic relationship and were with each other 24/7 and your mental health has been the priority in the relationship, he doesn’t know who he is outside of it.
If you think he’s a genuine person, believe him. Maybe you guys can start over without the codependency
End things now, only Kit Kats take breaks and only astronauts need space. Find a real man, this is not one.
If you’re ever lucky enough to end any relationship in your life amicably- take it.
The thought is not running through your mind for no reason, you know what is best for you. Wish him well, and move on and up! Only got one life.
Sending you both well wishes.
As someone who’s been in your boyfriend’s position, I’d recommend taking him at his word for now and using the time and space to work on your own mental health issues. Do that while giving him the space he needs while trying to keep what ever level of contact he feels comfortable with.
Sometimes when you’re in a relationship with someone with mental health issues, you can love them and not want to end things with them, but still become so worn down you need some space and breathing room if you’re to keep going. Don’t take it personally. Mental health issues can be challenging for everyone involved. I’m sure you’re doing your best.
You mentioned you had bipolar disorder. Are you medicated and receiving therapy to help you deal with it? I would suggest sitting down and talking with your boyfriend to find out what in particular has been the most challenging aspects for him to deal with. Listen without getting defensive. Just try to understand what he’s feeling.
Then once you understand what’s currently pushing him away, work with your therapist or mental health care professional to do your best to address these issues. Keep your boyfriend apprised of your efforts to get yourself to a better place. I think he’ll appreciate that you’re truly listening to his concerns and working on yourself so that you guys can potentially have a better functioning relationship.
Just be prepared that there is a possibility that once he’s had some space he may choose not to come back. However, I feel like if he knows you’re making genuine efforts to help yourself, I think that will create the best chances for you two to get things back to the way they were. And even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you’re positioning yourself to be in a better place for the next relationship that comes along.
All relationships come with different challenges. And not everyone is equipped to handle every challenge. Maybe this is one relationship that isn’t meant to be, or it might just be one that needs a little breathing room for you both to work through your own personal challenges. I hope things work out for you two!