my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. we are doing long distance but it’s been working out perfectly until now. im black and he is white which ofcourse creates a lot of issues outside of our relationship but that’s beyond me. my boyfriend sent me a message saying, and I quote “can’t, im with a ( insert n word)”.
he has never said anything like this and I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond or deal with it..please help me!
39 comments
Did someone else use his phone to send that message?
Response: Ok. We’re done.
Block him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you but you absolutely should not be with anyone who could show this cruelty to you. No one deserves that.
Hugs.
i really don’t think it was directed towards me, i think he was directing it towards someone around him..i don’t really know
Wait till you hear from him personally and ask him what he meant by this.
Whoa what?
I’m a white guy who predominantly dates dark skinned women…I can’t imagine a world where I’d say something that insane
oh no no no. i’m white, dating an African man, and we have never had any problems being from different races or cultures because we have mutual respect and love for one another. he showed you right there he has no respect for u. idk who said it but “when people show you who they are, believe them”. im so sorry this happened to you
I’m not sure what you are asking? How would you respond to anyone else? He’s obviously comfy enough to feel he can say this. I guess before you respond (I hope to tell him how inappropriate and uncomfortable you are) you have to consider why he felt this was okay to say. Also to ask yourself if this is acceptable to you in a relationship of any kind.
I’m a white guy, my best friend is black. *Somehow*, I manage to avoid using the N word despite how comfortable we are with each other. I don’t think your boyfriend has any excuse.
Typical, lol
Man, I’m hella white and I blush if even hear that word. Not cool. I think you know what to do.
I’d respond with ‘can’t, im with a foul mouthed jerk’ then block him. Regardless of his ancestry, ethnicity and skintone appearance. I’m caucausian.
Long distance relationship?…… sorry to break it to you Queen, but it just might be a “third wheel” at the helm, directing this message, if you get my drift 🙄…… and she’s probably not black.( could be🤷🏾♂️, but unlikely)
honestly I’d be curious as to who he’s been hanging out with lately bc that didn’t just come out of nowhere. Like I’d hope if he was racist or whatever you’d would’ve noticed before being 2 yrs deep. I would definitely ask why he’d think that was okay to send. I’ve dated white men before and that has never came out of there mouths no matter how “comfortable” we were getting.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
I have been in an interracial relationship for 17 years and believe me, I have heard it all.
What was the context? Did you ask him something and he responded with this?? Did it fit in the dialog you were having with him?
In any case I would say, do nothing.
Don’t respond. Let it sit there like a big steaming piece of shit.
Let him be the one to continue the conversation. If he acknowledges the text and gives you an explanation that you feel you can accept, then good.
If he gives you an explanation that’s total bullshit, move on, fast.
If he says nothing about it, and pretends it didn’t happen…dump him and save yourself.
My Sifu is an 86 yo black man, I’m white. He uses the n word frequently. He’s like my father and I love the man. I’d never use that word. Sure as hell not directed at him. He even gives me shit for being white all the time.
I’m thinking someone got his phone.
What did he say when you asked him about it?
Anyone who would use that word would be ghosted and blocked immediately if it were me.
I’m white, so my opinion may not matter much. I’m pretty sure I’d lose my mind, though.
Context doesn’t matter. Who it was intended for doesn’t matter. He shouldn’t be using racial slurs.
First thing I’d probably do is say “Excuse me?”, then I’d probably ask him why the hell he finds talking like that appropriate.
You deal with it by breaking up with him
F off! and block!
Seems like he either sent that to you by mistake or someone else took his phone and sent it. If he typed those words in his phone and sent them, even if they weren’t meant for you, dump him immediately. If it was someone else, this situation is possibility salvageable if he will cut that person off entirely.
Ohmyfuckinggawd!! Dump that future KKK member
There is nothing redeemable about someone who refers to ANYONE by a slur. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but honestly, better to find out this way than to have him weaponize such a nasty word against you during a fight. Leave his ass and find someone who actually appreciates you for *everything* that you are.
Woah.
a lot of people wanted more context, there really isn’t any, i asked him where he was, and tried to call him and he responded with “im out”. I asked him with who, it was Monday evening, he said “can’t, im with a (insert word)”. I tried to message him again and he ghosted me.
for everyone asking me to speak to my guardians, they are both white and don’t really know what to do other than the, block and delete. I’ve been with him for 2 years and I can’t decide if this is something i can try to resolve, or something that isn’t worth fixing..
This seems so out of nowhere and out of character from what you have said. It sounds like someone else has sent this from his phone. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you/your relationship with your boyfriend? A family member, friend of his, girl you feel wants to break you up?
Phone him and ask him why he sent you that last text. If he says he doesn’t know what you are talking about it’ll be obvious if he’s lying or not. If he didn’t send it he’s bound to know who did/had an opportunity to send it. If he actually did send it he’s done. No excuse.
I been in relationship with my wife for over a decade and she has never once said that word or anything racist to me.
The only way I’d give him the benefit of the doubt if it was someone else that used his phone but if you been in contact with him since and you’re actually sure it was him then I think you dump him. Racist are some of scummiest people on earth
Throw this man right in the dumpster
Ask him for an explanation, he has zero excuses so if he offers any it’s bullshit.
You do not deserve to be spoken about in that way- especially having it come from your own partner. I would personally have him explain and then break up with him.
Idk about where you are, but where I am, non black people use the n-word on one situation and one only : a black relative made it clear it was fine, and it’s supposed to be funny, or the intent should atleast be to make one laugh. And it’s kept under a very private circle.
Anybody Who is willing the throw the n-word casually in a conversation has an issue. Wether they are racist and just socially clueless, it is indeed an issue that probably has many many siblings.
If it wasn’t a hard r prob just meant a homie
When someone tells you who they are. Listen.
What was the context? What was said before and after?
You need to have a conversation with him about the message. What did he mean by it?
Was he drunk? Did someone else have his phone? Was he sending it to someone else and you received it by accident? etc.
If he has not been foul mouthed and disrespectful in the past, there is a bigger picture you have not been told yet. You have been with him for 2 years, you know if it is out of character or not.
Hun he’s long distance for one and uses the n word (and not just when singing along to old nwa albums. That’s a mistake the best of us have made). Why would you want to keep this going?
nah its time to throw the whole boyfriend out
Did he mean it as a joke that fell flat and racist?
Me and my partner make fun of each others heritage pretty hard. But it’s never been offensive.
What’s the conversation content to make him reply that way??
I thought he called you a racial slur. But it looks like he used a racial word in common speech.
So I had this happen to me. I am what one would call white, though I do not believe in race. As we are a single human species, race is a social construct that is used to hold others down. Race is not a valid line of reasoning in my book.
I also being somewhat socially not adept. I learned at a young age that the n word can be used interchangeably, such as the f word. It is malable and has multiple meanings. With one black friend, it is normal to use that word with one another as if using it in place of the word bro or dude. Although I had a friend from another state who was black and using the word “if you are white” is a big no no, regardless of how you use it. I have a black cousin who deems it as a common word for everyone to use, as he sees the true meaning of the word is no longer powerful enough to be a taboo. It’s more about culture though. For you can use any word with anger, and it can be deemed hateful.
It’s more of a cultural preference. If it bothers you or feels icky, explain not to use that word. I would recommend you yourself not using that word so you yourself don’t become hypocritical.
In my relationship with my husband who is Mexican, we don’t use any words that would be considered vulgar. The n word though often used in our gaming communities, is not a word in our vocabulary. When I was younger before my husband I was a F-bomb champion. Now I get side eyes from my husband if I used it in common speech.
It takes a conversation to understand and be ok with each other’s vocabulary. 😌
Take a breath, look at how you feel about that slip and communicate this. Be effective and move on.
Any relationship outside your culture or community will need to have boundaries brought up. This seems to be a boundary issue for you. Speak your mind. It’s healthy. Just be kind on your dilivery. To permote casual discussion.
Goodluck
Added, rap culture has made the use of the word somewhat ok to use, which is counter to what white culture (the kind that supports equality) has taught. It is common in white culture that the word is taboo, and not ok to be used. For me and my age group, it’s used commonly for gaming. So it’s confusing if it’s OK to use that word. Within a black or mixed race community it can be a common word used to denote bro, homie, dude, fam… so when a person who is from “white culture” comes into contact with some of these communities it can seem like it’s OK to blend in. Using common speech in these instances is natural because noone wasn’t to feel like an outsider.
Adding in my earlier examples, though, some people say it’s OK, and some don’t regardless of how it’s used. This is why you should definitely look inward first, then explain how you feel and what you expect.
Sometimes the universe decides who is your soul mate; this isn’t that time. As a black woman and active human, your bf crossed a line that he can’t take back. Don’t settle for less lil sis.