Im in a difficult situation with my parents but especially with my mother.
My parents are convinced that I am ungrateful and see the root of the problems in our relationship in my ungratefulness.
I’ve given it a lot of thoughts and I wouldn’t call myself or my actions ungrateful.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my parents and I have different conceptions of gratitude.
To me, being grateful means showing appreciation by voicing the happiness about how much the other person has helped and that you see the good the other persons good intention and show appreciation for it.
To my parents, being grateful means not complaining. Being happy with what you’ve got and not demanding more.
So every time I try to talk about an issue in our relationship they see it as ungrateful. In their eyes, if I were grateful, I wouldn’t talk about the things that bother my in our relationship and even ask them to do things differently and by that accuse them of bad intentions and therefore them as bad parents. By being grateful, I would show compassion for their faults and not talk about issues since they are already doing the best as they can.
I get it. Showing compassion and assuming that the other person is acting out of good intentions.
But in my opinion, since one can only control the outcome of one’s actions to a certain degree, a person can act out of good intentions and still cause a not so good outcome. Where, in my opinion, communication comes into play. Talking to each other, telling another person that while you see their good intentions, the outcome still affected you negatively and maybe asking them to do something differently next time. Understanding the reasons of each other.
That, parents see differently. They say you don’t have to talk about everything. It would be enough if I wouldn’t accuse them of some wrongdoing so much (which in my perception doesn’t happen by far as much as in their perception).
This difference makes it really hard for me to set boundaries. Every boundary is an accusation of bad intentions and therefore a sign of ungratefulness.
TL;DR: Parents have different conception of gratitude and it’s causing a lot of issues.
5 comments
This is all very vague, but if someone’s actions are harmful to someone else, and they do not want the person to tell them so that they can change their actions, then I wouldn’t view that person as having good intentions. People with good intentions want to know when their actions do not actually accomplish their goal of being beneficial for the other person.
Sounds like they don’t care about whatever you want to talk or complain about and just want to quickly shut you up.
‘Grateful’ is just their magic word to use when you bring up a topic they don’t want to talk about. When they say ‘grateful’ mentally swap it out to hear, “they’re manipulating me to avoid a real conversation.”
It’s unlikely they change at this age.
What they’re saying is ‘shut up and stop complaining’. They’re hiding behind gratefulness, even though most adults know you can be grateful for a person and not like what they do. For example, someone could buy you a house, but if they set your kitchen on fire every night, the danger still needs to be addressed.
‘I’m not ungrateful for sharing my opinions. You wouldn’t like it if I called you ungrateful for not agreeing with me, would you?’ might work, and if not, just don’t play their game.
Them: you’re ungrateful
You: okay (in a ‘sorry you feel that way’ tone), but can we discuss (issue)?
Them: you’re ungrateful
You: I don’t agree with what you’re saying. Let’s stick to the issue.
^ might be worth a try
You don’t need boundaries if you’re not in a situation where they’re going to cross them.
You’re 21- do you still live under their roof, or are you out on your own? If you’re still at home with them, I’d start thinking about moving out.