I’ve been friends with this girl for around 10 years, and she has been one of my closest and only friends throughout the years. We have had an on/off friendship throughout those years, some where we didn’t talk for months at a time – primarily because she would get a boyfriend and drop all her guy friends. We even dated for a short period back in late 2018 but ended it when she requested I delete every girl I was friends with.
After that, we didn’t talk for about a year. During Covid, we didn’t hang out much because she was scared of getting Covid. She ended up getting into cocaine and heavily drinking. She gained significant weight that I didn’t recognize her anymore. I had to pick her up a few times when she was almost OD’ing on drugs. It hurt me deeply seeing her like that, and it gave me a lot of anxiety that I avoided her completely.
Now, she’s 60 days sober, goes to meetings, and is doing better. But her mental health is very bad. She is severely depressed, a bit of a hypochondriac, and has been on every medication you can take for depression. I have my own anxiety, and it’s getting to me. I’ve avoided some hangouts with her that we had planned because I get very anxious beforehand.
Her friends are mostly all gone now, and her one other closest friend said he didn’t want to be friends with her anymore because of her constant texting/calling and her mental health. Every time I try to help by giving suggestions like going for a walk, starting to exercise, or seeing a different doctor, she gets very defensive and angry with me. She starts going off on me so much that I just don’t want to reply anymore to her. She says she can’t do a lot of things because of all of her health issues now.
I Just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really her only friend, and I feel bad for her. But at the same time, I’m overwhelmed so much that I don’t want to talk to her anymore, and she’s noticing it. Saturday we had planned to hang out, and I ended up falling asleep for 5+ hours on the couch, and she was furious. I apologized profusely, but she kept going off on me and is now saying I haven’t even checked in on her to see how she’s doing. And starts saying that no one cares about her anymore.
I’m at a loss, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.
Tl;dr: friends for many years. But her mental health has really hit rock bottom so much that it’s affecting me and making me not want to talk to her. She’s getting angry at me and I’m unsure of what to do. I’m her only friend.
6 comments
I’ve been in a very similar position before. My best friend throughout high school and my early adult life was suspected of a heinous crime and pretty much everyone cut ties with them because of it. I stayed their friend because I felt obligated to and felt it was what a good friend would do. It wasn’t until my other friends sat me down and made me realize the toll it was taking on me to be there for that person that I knew I had to end the friendship with them. All it took was a bit of grey rocking and they were gone. They were later found guilty of the crime they were suspected of and are currently serving time for it.
There’s give and take in every relationship, romantic or otherwise. It’s important to know when your needs aren’t being met. From the sounds of it here, yours aren’t and it’s becoming an active detriment having her in your life.
You have to choose whether you want to keep struggling to stay afloat with her dragging you down and run the risk of drowning yourself. Or whether you cut her loose for your own sake. Who knows? Perhaps the idea of losing you will light a fire under her.
Protect your own mental health, you will be of no help to yourself or anyone else if you over extend yourself helping her. Encourage her to see a psychiatrist and a therapist if she isn’t already, and to see her psych Dr more often or change to a different one if she isn’t getting the help she needs. In the end she has to take care of her own needs, no one can do it for her.
Distance yourself. See her less in person and talk on the phone. I at least find that less distressing than being trapped in person for a long time. Escape is easier on the phone, and once I have had enough, I need to get away, and that is easier on the phone.
Make sure you have healthy boundaries for yourself, it is easy to get sucked into someone else’s problems and can be hard to pull yourself out.
I had a very similar experience with an ex girlfriend. After me she moved in with a predator. He’s in jail for what he did to her. After nearly 12 months of no contact she started to ring me frequently and unload the most awful trauma to me. It really messed me up.I found help talking to councillors on women’s help lines in Australia. Two of the most useful things they told me are: 1. They don’t talk to a victim for more than about an hour at a time because their conversation becomes circular and counter productive. 2. Listen to her instead of trying to solve her. This can be counter intuitive to a bloke but it’s really important if she’s been abandoned by her other friends. She likely needs to just vent and feel heard. Good luck mate.
“I love you but you need a level of support I’m not qualified or able to give you. You need to find a therapist.”
You have to take the space you need and prioritize yourself.
“I’m going to take a step back from the relationship to work on my own mental health. I’ll check back in a month. Good luck with your sobriety and keep up the good work.”
She’s pushing everyone away, and her behavior is untenable. You’re not a martyr, and you will always come first to yourself.
If she goes nuclear that’s on her.
You should always be your own priority. There will be unfortunate instances where you’ll have to make tough decisions, but your own well being and your mental health should always come first. As hard as it might be to comprehend, there’s a reason why people have dropped her as a friend. And you have no obligation to be her support if her companionship is emotionally draining you.