Sorry it’s long, TL DR included in the end , I would appreciate you read through it and responded .
For extra context I have recently found out that I am poly, or atleast am exploring ethical non-monogomy
I (23) was kind of in this relationship with a guy (29) I met on tinder a month ago. Recently moved to the state. I still had a partner in my home-state that agreed to be opened. So me and this guy would meet up every week or so , and I started to really like him. I was kinda unhappy with my partner so eventually I ended up breaking things off with him. The only thing about the new guy was that I felt like he wasn’t really communicative over text and I couldn’t gauge what he meant to get out of the relationship. On tinder my profile was clear about being a bottom so when we matched I thought he was aware. But he told me he wanted to see where things go. I was opened to see if our connection could transcend the sexual incompatibility.
I was starting to worry that he wasn’t really intersted in me though as he didn’t text me often, invite me over or suggest any date. I felt like I was doing a lot of the work and it was stressing me out a bit.
I tried communicating with this guy, that i had a lot on my mind , after the break up and I was quite stressed and worried about our sexual incompatibility and that he never really seemed to make the same effort to go out or suggest dates that I was. I was also stressed about being in the new state and didn’t know if it was for me.
He told me I was basically telling him not to invest too much into the relationship, and I told him I just might’ve needed a little support, but he doubled down and said it was unfair for me to ask for support if I wasn’t going to be be there eventually. I was just stressed from lack of acclimation. Realistically It would be a really long time before I consider moving again.
I also ended up expressing that I was really thrown off because we only really connected through sex and watching movies, and whenever I came over his apartment was super messy which all made me feel like he didn’t want something serious. He never really responded to that.
We ended up not talking or seeing eachother for about a week , then I asked if we could talk things through , so we did and I explained to him that I just wanted to take things slow and approach things with caution and understanding, seeing as I was fresh out of another relationship and didn’t want to repeat similar mistakes that I felt contributed to the downfall of the relationship.
He told me that I was unfair for me to bring my previous relationship up as it’s kind of like comparing him to my last partner . I tried my best to understand and agreed I wouldn’t talk about it anymore but my main intention was to just be upfront with what I needed and how I felt.
We started seeing eachother again, and simultaneously conversation between me and my previous partner started. Because I was still really unsure about what this new guy wanted and we had only known each other for a couple of weeks and hadn’t explicitly stated that we’re aiming for a serious relationship, and also the fact that he said he was fine with the fact that I had a partner going in to the relationship, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me not really disclosing that we were talking.
I ended up going back to my home-state briefly to grab somethings.
We ended up getting back together because he was going to therapy and addressing some concerns I had been bringing up to him for a long time. I discussed with him how the relationship would work and if he might be interested in meeting my new partner etc , and the boundaries around that.
Then when I got back to the current state I live in, I told the new guy , and asked if it changed anything between us or if he had any issues with it and he said it was no problem so we continued the regular antics. He never really cleaned his apt , or texted me more so I took it as me just needing to get used to interacting face to face more often , despite him saying he was often busy.
We planned for a date on Saturday that week then, Saturday came and he texted me that he had found someone else and that we’re better off as friends.
It has really cut me deep, because I didn’t know he was talking to someone else , and in hindsight I can see how it might’ve been nicer to let him know that I was taking to my previous partner but again, I didn’t know for sure if he wanted anything beyond us sleeping together and watching movies.
I feel kind of mislead because I felt like his reaction to me being a little stressed out convinced me to take the relationship more seriously and that maybe he thought it could transcend our sexual incompatibility , and after visiting and clearing things up with my previous partner , I was ready to be serious with him but that’s when he kinda suddenly found someone else.
We’ve been talking a bit so far and he tells me that he thought I didn’t know what want and that he wanted a more grounded relationship with someone that knew what they wanted. But I’ve been feeling quite confused because I feel like neither of us had been together for long enough to truly know if this what we wanted or not. I kept trying to emphasize taking things slow and going on dates , because I wanted to know him beyond just sex . I wanted to communicate and work through things. I thought that would’ve been something more grounded.
I also wanted to be realistic about us both being bottoms. I feel like he was kind of unfairly expecting me to be confident that the relationship would work , even with all the things I mentioned.
I also was confused , and felt like he really only wanted to be friends with benefits , because every time I was over , it went straight to sex, never initiated conversation or meeting up, and seemed to expressed not necessarily wanting to hear how I felt about certain things.
I feel like he says he wants a serious relationship, but that’s not what any of his actions presented
I would appreciate some external input. I’m just pretty confused about this situation and wondering I did anything wrong. I’m struggling to feel okay so any advice is welcomed.
**TL;DR** From my perspective , a guy that I was seeing made me feel as if I wasn’t dedicating enough to a couple weeks long situationship, where he didn’t ever hit me up or clean his apartment or suggest dates then when I was beginning to try to show I was serious he dumped me for a guy he just met. Never really told me he wanted something serious , didn’t really act like it. I was serious and communicative and couldn’t gage what he wanted because he didn’t me asking questions .
3 comments
Wow. Ok. So – there is a ton of chaotic energy in this post and I truly don’t think you see how this can be coming off – so I’m going to be pretty blunt with the intent of being helpful. (Sorry in advance if I hurt your feelings)
So – what you are saying is that you met this guy on Tinder. You dated him for a month and saw him about once a week – so really you went on about 4 dates with a stranger.
In that very short amount of time while he’s trying to get to know you, you:
1) Told him you were in a relationship. Then not in a relationship. Then in a relationship.
2) Expressed a bunch of insecurities and anxiety about how you are probably not compatible due to your sexual preferences
3) Expressed a bunch of insecurities and doubt about your own future (thinking you might want to move)
4) Spoke a lot about “taking it slow” while not at all taking it slow by hyper-analyzing the relationship and jumping to conclusions
5) Accused him of not liking you because he didn’t clean his apartment
6) Complained that he wasn’t taking initiative on dates
Did I catch it all? I feel like there might be more but I think I’ve illustrated enough.
Online dating is a finicky thing. Lots of relationships don’t work out. Lots of people ghost, etc. The beginning part of dating someone is all about just taking your time to get to know a person. People want to know that you know what you are looking for and simply whether you enjoy each other’s company. You shouldn’t be trauma dumping on someone you just met, or dumping all your worried and insecurities on them. Or trying to read the tea leaves of where it’s going. There is time for all that. But… the first, say, 3 months should just be about taking it one date at a time and living in the moment.
I think you came at him really hard, really fast with just a whole lot of nervous energy. That will make most people run, IMO.
Deep breaths. Dating is supposed to be fun. Try to worry less and have more fun. The rest will fall into place if and when it should.
Honestly, this is something I would just not put too much stock in. There was a bit of a connection, but both of you were not really into each other enough (or maybe in a good spot to be dating), and it fell apart fairly quickly. I don’t think you particularly did anything wrong, it just wasn’t a great match. That’s how most relationships go.
Several things:
1. People are not poly. Polyamory is a relationship structure that people can practice. You didn’t just “discover” you were poly, you decided you wanted an open relationship.
2. You’re complaining about being dumped by a guy you weren’t ever in a relationship with.
3. What you did do is dump your ex boyfriend for a man you just met, which makes you kinda shitty.