The habit in question is not looking at my peers or superiors directly in the eyes when speaking with them.
For context, I live in the Panhandle of Florida (United States). Bay County to be exact. It’s a bit of an area with older mentality and tradition. Not quite dominantly rural and country but not quite a big city like Atlanta, Georgia either. But for the most part, it’s in what most US citizens refer to as “The South”.
I’ve occasionally heard the saying (not directly to me) that “as a man, you look others in the eye when you speak to them”. The idea behind this saying is that this shows both respect and confidence. Respect in the sense that you give someone your full attention by looking at them, and confidence in the sense that you can present yourself upright and speak firmly. This is something I’ve noticed more prevalent in Southern US as well as most rural and country lifestyle areas.
I totally understand that rationale and I’m not against people who look into another’s eyes when speaking with this reason in mind. But I’ve realized over the years that I don’t do this myself after hearing the saying many times and thinking, “hmmm, I don’t look others in the eyes that often. Whether it be my friends and peers, authority figures like my school instructors or work superiors, or even those I may supervise myself like younger relatives or underclassmen in my JROTC class.
It’s not due to lack of respect and attention for the person I’m talking with and what is being said to me, and it’s not due to lack of confidence and will to defend my words and stand by them. But I really understand people best when audibly my mind is present with my ears, but visually my mind is absent and zoned out with the eyes. It helps for me to maybe look off at an angle just to your side as your speaking to me or to stare into the traffic of a street or even the horizon, where in my mind, I picture what is being said to me so that I better understand it. And when I give my response, it’s the same way.
My vision and eyes are still elsewhere as they’re visualizing, and putting into image, the idea I want to convey while my mouth and ears are still present to hear and deliver my own words. Obviously, this isn’t an issue that may affect me personally with how I think about myself, but I’ve never been directly addressed about this before despite doing this since I could speak and living in this area since I was 6 years of age – (now 23). I’ve never really gotten the opportunity to bring this up to someone because I’ve always thought it was a weird conversation.
But I figured I’d put that question here and see what other people may think when (or if) they see someone else do this. Of course, this may be a different practice overseas in different countries and cultures, so I’m really looking for thoughts and opinions on this from other people within the US and within Southern or “old-school” areas, but I’d still be interested to see if this is done differently elsewhere.
2 comments
As far as I think it’s perfectly fine for o ne to not look at people directly in the eyes while speaking. Everyone has different ways of connecting and communicating with others, and it does not necessarily mean that you lack respect or confidence if you do not look someone in the eyes. but it could even be a sign of respect if you are not trying to be overly forceful or intimidating when you are speaking with someone. there are different expectations in different cultures, in some cultures it may be seen as disrespectful to not look someone in the eye when speaking with them. In US it depends on the person and the context of the conversation but in general I think it is always best to be respectful and mindful of the person you are speaking with and their expectations, whatever those may be.
You should aim to be looking at people about 60 percent of the time while speaking. If you don’t look at them at all (whether you’re in the south or anywhere else) people will feel something is “off.”
If eye contact is hard for you, then you can look at that space on their forehead between their eyes and it gives the same effect.