Hi everyone,
My [34M] gf [35F] told me weeks ago that she had an awkward encounter with her longtime massage therapist. She said he incidentally touched in a private area for a second or two then backed off. She’s seen him for years, but it felt awkward enough for her not to choose to see him again.
I understood this as an awkward thing that happened, but in my mind it seemed unintentional, and I made the mistake of not asking her more about it in the moment. In my mind something that’s embarrassing or traumatic might not want to be relived, so I didn’t want to ask her for more information unless she volunteered it.
Flash forward to today, and she’s mad that I haven’t brought anything up or supported her in this. She didn’t bring it up again, so I didn’t realize it was bothering her. Now, she’s angry that I can’t emotionally support her (similar to her parents, whom she has cut off).
This is my first time talking to anyone about something this serious, and I’m not sure how to tread. How should I approach this going forward? I think we both love each other but I know I have below average emotional intelligence. Is this something that will doom our future?
4 comments
*Disclaimer* I am not victim blaming *at all*. I fully support people who have been SA’d
Not to play the bad cop but I will… a couple of weeks ago a guy posted on here about his gf, massage therapist, something happened, etc.
A lot of people called b.s. because it just didn’t add up. Turns out, it was a lie. Is your gf prone to ‘testing’ you to see how you’ll react? Catfishing you? Getting upset that every moment in life does not equal 24/7 drama?
Just asking so we can get these questions out of the way.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think you wanted me to say anything. I thought you just wanted me to hear you. I didn’t ask you questions afterward because I didn’t want to bring up any bad memories for you or to make you feel what you felt that day all over again. I’m not dismissing you. I never dismissed you. I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”
She’s free to be upset by it and need to seek help to work past it. She’s mad at you for not reading her mind and knowing what she wanted. This is childish and unfair of her.
I’m like you. I don’t like to rehash, talk about, or relive negative things. I move on. If I’m dealing with something I’d be pissed if someone kept asking me about it.
She should report the unwanted contact and seek a therapist.
Remember, your response to this doesn’t have to be just with words. It can be with touch (hug her, spend more time cuddling), or with acts of kindness, or even with gifts. What is important is to show that you care, even if you don’t have the right words to fill the space.