I want to start by apologizing if i make mistakes since english is not my first languaje, i will try to go over the text to fix what i find, but its my first time posting and I dont really know how reddit works.
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So, here is the thing… i have been alone for a long time, over a decade without having any kind of meaninful relationship other than a few close friends and family, certainly nothing romantic. Through the years I came to be completely ok with this to be honest, i just got used to be alone and i thought i had completely lost interest in those kind of things, just minding my own business.
Recently, i attended a party of one of my close friends (and a couple of others where attending too), he is much more social than i am so there where quite a few people, it had a nice feel to it and it felt confortable so no problems there.
During the party i met this woman, my friends where teasing me telling me she liked me and so on, i didnt really cared that much at the time and i left it as simply as that, teasing. I mostly stayed in my friends mancave playing videogames until very late at night. Well, late at night when some people where already leaving (i wasnt, i was going to stay the night there and leave next day) this woman approached me and started to talk with me some more, my first impression was that she was pretty nice, we talked music, work, and so on. She then sugested we moved away from the group because they where doing karaoke and could barely hear each other.
We are alone now talking and everything was going normally, i talk about my pets and a little about my life, as we talk I find out that she is younger than i am (we are both however at an age where we are far from teens mind you, so nothing really weird there) eventually she actually tells me that she likes me… im WTF on the inside because that is just weird to me, i didnt actually believed this was true, i just thought she was interested in some common ground stuff. Anyways, she confesses that she has seen pictures of me with my friend and liked me and wanted to tell me that she liked me.
She actually reaches for me and kisses me… at this point im just perplexed, more than 10 years without anyone telling me that, i realized i was laughing in embarrassment because i wasnt able to believe what was happening, i could barely look at her in the eyes and was averting my gaze a lot, she confesed that she did in fact told my friends and hers that she liked me (and that is why they where teasing me). She then asked me if i liked her, she told me to forget about it when i was too embarassed to answer, but then she kept touching me and asked again a few times if i liked her because she liked me. Now, here is the thing, i did… i had a great time until now talking with her, we had been talking for about 2 hours now about random stuff and having a good time.
I guess i was a little intoxicated with the atmosphere and i blurted “yeah… i do like you”, she then started slowly hugging me and kissing me and i just went with it… i was incredibly embarrassed but also quite happy, i just couldnt believe this was actually happening, this kept going for a while, both kinda going at it while careful not to be seen, heck, i felt like a teenager again. She told me she was going to stay overnight too and took me by the hand and walked me into a room, closed the door and we kept kissing. Well… i guess you can imagine where that went and i wont enter in details from here on. We woke up around 8 am next day all hugged up and she kept saying she didnt want to leave and so on and kept hugging and kissing, eventually we had to leave, she gave me her number and so did I.
I felt so weird, this stuff is completely alien to me, what imo is a beautiful woman out of nowhere telling me this stuff…
We texted some that same night and next day, she told me she wanted to see me again so i sugested to go out on the weekend, she told me she wanted to do that and that maybe even come over to my house… Now, she previously wrote to me that she didnt wanted me to have a bad image of her, that she really liked me, and so on, i just thought it was because she was a little tipsy? or maybe she was really forward about it?, i mean, none of that is something to be sorry for i thought so i said i didnt think ill of her.
Well, that day im checking the bag i took to my friends house and i find her ring inside, its this cute girly ring, she previously took it off in bed and before we left i reached to it and gave it to her so she didnt forget about it, i fixed the bed and she told me she lost it again, so i searched under the bed but to no avail, i was thinking to myself maybe she put it there, or maybe it fell and got into my bag?, i dont know. But before i told her that i found it she said she had something to confess, and told me she was in an open relationship with other person, this person wasnt in the country currently and that she didnt want me to think less about her because she didnt tell me about it (not what i thought it was previously).
Im so confused right now, i dont know how to feel… what do i even say to that?, so i just wrote her exactly how i felt: “ah… i dont know what to say”, and she wrote back “you dont need to say anything”, i feel like such an idiot, there are so many thoughts going through my head right now and each one of them leaves me feeling like an idiot in the end. I dont know how to feel. Im happy, im sad, im angry, im hurt…
I know its dumb, she is someone i barely know, I dont believe she is a bad person, but at the same time i believe she did something bad to me, i dont think myself a bad person either, but i feel like i did something bad now, something that i wouldnt have done if i had known, i dont know much about this open relationship stuff, i dont believe you are bad if you are in one, but i particulary dont want that and would never feel good doing such thing, even if the other person is ok with it, im not, and now doing such thing i feel like i did something bad, now i just feel like a complete idiot for allowing it to happen.
Some might say that its ok to go along with it because you like her and all that, but i dont think i could, i dont think i would be able to, it hurts so much… and even then, while I regret it at the same time i dont, i really like her, i really loved the short time we spent together, i really liked to think that someone would like me and want me this much, and i feel like such a dunce.
The worst thing is that now i know she doesnt feel this way, im doing such a big thing out of something that the other person might not even care about it at all, and if i brought any of this up i would just seem like an annoyance, maybe the only thing she will say is “lol, chill, its not a big deal” or something like that, i dont want to know what else im wrong about, i dont want to hurt her feelings either, what if she is not like that and she is hurt by this too?, maybe she will take it as me wanting to make her feel bad about it?, i dont want that either.
i should tell her im not into that and i wouldnt be able to do such thing, yet its so hard, but if im completely honest and ask myself if i could do this type of relationship, my answer would be “i dont”, to be honest again, i would wish none of this would have happened in the first place, it was great, but its also really painful, i dont know how to deal with this, im simply not used to any of this feelings. I know eventually i will have to get over this but right now im just unwell.
To this moment, we havent texted anything else, some time has passed and every minute it just feels weirder and weirder, i dont really want to leave it like that, but i feel like i will, to be honest, it just keeps getting harder, i dont want to cause drama, we have many common friends and neither has told them this happened, i dont plan to either… I keep thinking about just telling her that i found the ring and ask her to see each other and return it and telling her that its just something i cant do, but i dont even know if i could see her right now like this.
Right now I like her and i hate her, i want to see her but i know i shouldnt, im happy for the time i spent with her but now im also sad and hurt, I hate myself because i expected something that was not going to happen and about making so much out of something that many will consider completely mundane, Im not used to any of this and i dont like it.
I have no clue how this will end…
Thank you for reading. I just needed someone to lend me an ear for a little time while. So allow me to ask,
\- Have you ever felt like this?, is it normal to have so many conflicting feelings about this kind of stuff? Liking but also resenting someone this much? How do you deal with it?
\- Is it normal to get so attached to someone in such a short time? Did it ever happened to you?
\- Any other advice for someone that is not used to bond with others?