It’s extremely hard for me to ask somebody for help.
Because of that I can’t work with partners, can’t be in a relationship, don’t trust people in general, can’t open up to people. I barely talk to my parents, my conversation with my mother consists of “Hi, how are you? Good. I’m good, too” once a week or so.
If my boss tells me “ask X to help you with Y”, it sends me to near anxiety attack, and I postpone it as long as possible. I’d rather (figuratively) bang my head on the wall for days than take someone’s attention and time.
I’m great with helping people though, and am pretty much a go to guy when something needs fixing. Probably because I am very good at looking up stuff. ChatGPT is like a gift from god for me, I even pay for the premium subscription, worth every penny for me.
I have like three close friends I can open up to, and I feel extremely guilty each time I do. It feels to me like bringing a box of my dirty underwear and dumping on someone’s head.
I know it’s making me miserable, but I just can’t help it.
I’m extremely introverted, and built my life around being alone, just because of that. And I handle myself pretty well. I have a decent job as a software engineer, rent a spacious apartment in a good area, drive a new-ish car, have basically everything I need in terms of material goods. I work out, try to eat, drink and sleep well, don’t smoke cigarettes and barely drink alcohol. I smoke weed often though, to try and self medicate, it eases my anxiety sometimes. I’m 39M if it helps.
I’m constantly told by women that I’m handsome. Tried dating, but always came to conclusion that I’m not ready for relationship. So I self sabotaged any attempts for a relationship, because deep down I’m sure that I will make her life miserable.
And before people tell me to go to therapy, already tried that. Guess what – it means I need to ask for help and explain my situation to person I don’t know, who will judge me, even if they say they won’t. And I already tried several therapists, ended up to be a total waste of time and money. Tried anxiety medication, it only made things worse.
It’s easier to write it here, hidden under a nickname, to complete strangers, than to open up IRL.
I heard an expression called “VCR question”, and that’s pretty much what I have. If you grew up in the 90s, you probably could set up the family VCR without reading the instruction manual, and people from older generations looked at you as the next Bill Gates. Setting up the VCR was extremely easy for you, but to them it seemed near impossible. And to you, it seemed dumb that people with so much life experience couldn’t handle such an easy task as to program the VCR. It’s a question that is easy for anyone from outside, but is extremely hard for the person that’s asking it.
So if I ask “how to ask people for help”, 99.999999% of people would tell me “duh, just go and ask, are you stupid or something?”. But to me it is extremely hard.
Did anyone else have these issues? If so, how did you overcome it?
6 comments
>Because of that I can’t work with partners, can’t be in a relationship, don’t trust people in general, can’t open up to people. I barely talk to my parents, my conversation with my mother consists of “Hi, how are you? Good. I’m good, too” once a week or so.
Consult a therapist.
>If my boss tells me “ask X to help you with Y”, it sends me to near anxiety attack, and I postpone it as long as possible. I’d rather (figuratively) bang my head on the wall for days than take someone’s attention and time.
Yeah…definitely a therapist.
Sounds like you should consult a therapist. The anxieties and difficulties you are experiencing are not normal. A therapist can help you work through them or cope with them.
I hate these posts. “Nothing can help me, so internet people, help me” It’s just attention seeking behavior. You don’t really want help. I’m pretty sure a lot of what you said is bullshit. It’s just another typical “woe is me” rant.
The only answer is that you just have to do it. There’s no shortcuts. Sitting on some stranger’s couch and paying 50 bucks an hour isn’t gonna helpya. Ultimately you can hear about mechanisms, read about coping strategies and all that happy horsepucky all you want, but it’s really up to you to do those strategies and implement those mechanisms. That said I get where you’re coming from. It’s so much easier to stay in your shell and not let anybody in, because you can’t hurt if you’re all alone. But there’s no magic bullet. If you want to fix it, you will. Simple as.
Put a gun to their head and ask for anything. You don’t have to shoot. Good luck.
You know the feeling you get when you help other people? That feeling of being useful and meaningful and a net positive in someone else’s life? That’s how other people will feel when they help you. You’re not imposing yourself on others; you’re becoming part of their little give-and-take community. People want to help you. <<I>> want to help you and I barely know you. Nice people, like you yourself, love the feeling of being useful.
It’s okay, OP. You can come to the strangers of the internets to vent anything. Some of us aren’t absolute dickwads and some are even far more interested in the vicarious drama and eureka sensation of helping someone else than you could possibly “burden” with whatever issues you’ve got ^_^/ *pat, pat*.
Also it seems you’ve got a heck of an RSD-fueled social anxiety, but you probably already knew that.