I’ve (F31) have been with my bf (M44) for about a year. He has a 4 y.o son. Things seem to go well, I get along with his family and his son likes me.
I asked him in the beginning if he could see himself having any more kids and he said he absolutely could. However, we have yet to discuss WHEN.
Lately, for some reason I’ve been feeling somewhat stressed about the whole thing. I know 31 isn’t that old but I wouldn’t want to push it for more than 1-2 years because I have no way of knowing how hard getting pregnant will be for us.
I don’t want to rush anything but I also don’t want to wait several years for..well, biological reasons. Since he already has one child, he doesn’t feel any of the stress I’m dealing with.
Do you guys have any suggestions on how I could bring up this topic?
Tl;Dr dating an older single dad, getting stressed about my biological clock and the lack of a timeline.
5 comments
“We have yet to discuss when.”
You’ve been dating for a year, it’s time to sit down and discuss it. If you have preferred timelines lay them out for him.
I think you just need to rip off the bandaid and have the discussion. Tell him exactly what you said here.
And actually – I don’t think you should dance around it or try to sugar-coat the conversation. If he’s not going to be ready to have a child in a year or two, you will need to know that so that you can make some decisions on whether he is right for you.
Do you want/need to be married first? In his shoes, that might be one of the first questions that comes to mind…
I think you probably just need to be direct. Make sure you can articulate to yourself exactly what you want. Figure out what timeline you envision and the role and relationship you’re expecting of your boyfriend. Arrange a time when the two of you can sit down and talk privately for a while. Once you’re sat, explain what it is you want. Answer any questions, and then solicit his feelings. If he’s non-committal, offer him some specific period of days to go away and figure out what he wants.
You need to have a whole conversation about your relationship goals and timelines
When will you plan to move in together?
Do you want to get married?
When would you try for kids? Who would be the primary caregiver? What’s the plan around work and daycare, etc.
You’re an adult and having an adult conversation about your life with your partner is not something to avoid, be scared of or worry about “how you being up”, if you can’t have open discussions like that then there are probably things to think about within your relationship.
>I don’t want to rush anything but I also don’t want to wait several years
But this gives you built in middle ground, and that’s the path you want to follow. A year isn’t enoughtime. I’m sure you don’t need me to remind you that, by far, the biggest decision a mom makes is who the father of her child is. If you mentally put this on the back burner for a year, you still have plenty of time, but your relationship will have advanced. Right now, you don’t know how to communicate openly and honestly with him, which is why you’re asking this question. You want to get to that point to truly know him.
Same with his son. You say “it seems” as if he likes you, but you want to be more sure of this. Some complex dynamics will kick in if/when you bring a half sibling of his into the mix.