So me(25f) and my partner(27m) met some months ago. Everything was fine until he revealed that he had an alcohol addiction. He is a healthcare worker, he has a stressful job and he told me he needs alcohol to cope with the stress. I never lived with an addict so I though I could support him in whatever he chooses to do and just keep living my life.
So long story short I moved in with him two months ago. It was great, I loved sharing life with my partner until he started drinking heavier every single night. He never skipped a day, if we were doing something at like 10 pm he would drop whatever we were doing to get out and get alcohol. Our sex life came to a halt as well.
We had a fight a few nights ago because of his addiction. When I confronted him about his change of behaviors while drunk, he came at me with that he doesn’t feel comfortable living with me, he feels like I am always on his neck( which is so not true). Oh and he also told me he doesn’t find any of my compliments sincere( I was trying to support him whenever, because he was stressful at work). I was so heartbroken.So I left. I moved out.
Last night he came to my door and he apologized. He told me that he would quit. He promised me everything will be alright. Part of me doesn’t believe him, I just want to be happy and I also want him to be happy. What do you think ?
23 comments
You are a person, not a crutch.
Move on. 2 mos into living together and you have a fight about his addiction that he’s not going to fix.
I think you’d be a damn fool to believe the promises of an addict.
Unfortunately an alcoholic will keep on apologizing for their actions, but not change unless they want to be sober. So you have to decide if you want to stick around and see if he wants to quit his patterns or choose what’s best for you and keep looking for a special someone. Sorry to put it this way but this is coming from a recovering alcoholic. (30M)
No. He doesn’t know what he wants. He THINKS he wants someone live with him, but his use ended up going more.
Can I ask why you two didn’t just date without moving in together so fast?
He told you he doesn’t wanna be with u, and he even showed it with his actions.
Now he told you he’s gonna quit, but did he? Where’s the action part?
No. Don’t go to him. If you do, then he’ll know he doesn’t NEED to drink, he just has to SAY it.
If he cleans up his act, and contacts u, and you’re available, then give him a second chance.
But words means NOTHING without action.
Do you have an alcoholic parent or something?
What would possibly make you think you could just support an alcoholic and things were just gonna work out?
You’re not a clinic or a crutch, you’re a person. Let him fix his addiction first before you even think of going back and thats just for your safety. My family has alot of addicts and i can tell you most of the time they are lying if they tell you they will stop and never do it again. First see then believe.
Personally i would cut ties with him. I dont think its worth the effort.
Ah yes the alcoholic’s form of manipulation. The old “im sorry and if you come back I’ll change” scheme. Say your goodbye and never go back.
Its an addiction, you have to either stick with him through this knowing there will be mistakes at times. Or it’s something you are not mentally capable of dealing with. Its a hard decision. My partner chooses to stay with me despite my disability’s but thats because he is mentally capable of dealing with it. Best of luck!
I wouldn’t advise going back into the living situation at the moment. If he is sincere about quitting and asking for help, he should do it. He needs to fix himself before he can make any promises. Be careful and stay safe.
Dont take him back. He will just hide it and pretend he’s clean.
You’re not “supporting” him, you’re enabling him that’s why he wants you back.
He has to go to rehab and do an AA course to prove he means it.
Addicts are the best liars on the planet.
Dont waste your life on an alcoholic and an abuser. Go find someone you can have a real relationship with not someone that will drag you down to their level that you’ll never be able to have kids with.
Love isn’t a cure for alcoholism.
I’m sorry to hear that’s how things have turned out. Alcoholism is a tough thing to beat so unfortunately he might revert back even if he apologizes like he already did. Take care of yourself OP!
He needs intervention from a healthcare professional or group: AA, rehab, whatever. And I wouldn’t agree to get back together until he actually goes and gets help. Otherwise, it’ll be a cycle of getting “better” for a moment, going back to how he was, you getting upset, him getting “better” for a moment…
It would also probably help you to check out a group like Al Anon that helps the loved ones of addicts.
Additionally: addicts aren’t happy when stuck in addiction. It’s hard to get sober (I should know: 6 years sober), but the happiness you want for him and yourself won’t happen while he’s using, unfortunately.
Do you have a habit of making bad choices?
Out of curiosity, were you able to encourage him to change profession?
I’m so sorry you are going through this. If someone is a recovering alcoholic , then they should be recovering. He isn’t showing you that he is working on recovery. He is dealing with a BIG, HARD, PAINFUL problem. And unfortunately, he can’t get better for you, he can only do it for himself. And additionally, he might not be ready or prepared or willing to get better yet. You don’t know when/if that will happen.
My advice would be to take stock of where you are, and who you are and what YOU need. A relationship like that one could eat up years or decades of your life, and there’s no guarantee that he will be the person you need or love you the way you need.
If it was me, I would prepare myself, explain to him what I need from him (“I need you to stop drinking”) and if he doesn’t, then I would leave. It’s one of the most painful things you can do to protect yourself, your heart and get to the life that you want.
Yeah… I was with an abusive alcoholic as well. I can tell you from experience, it DOES NOT get better, it only gets worse.
Best thing you can do for yourself is cut and run.
If you don’t you will wish you did.
You’ll be happier without him. He is incapable of being happy under any scenario. Pray for him from a distance.
Run
If he really want to quit he would do it for himself not for you.
Hate to say it, but save yourself. Move on. I have been married to an alcoholic for 29 years. Not worth it