Advise for attending sex club for beginners??

3 comments

1. I recommend a channel on YouTube called “Watts the Safeword.” Though they’re gay men with a particular focus on pet play and leather, they discuss a wide range of kink related topics, including attending events (their latest video is about attending a sex convention.)

   I have no personal experience to offer unfortunately, but I love living vicariously through their channel and figure there could be something there!

2. There are different types of clubs- I think one big divide is between a swingers spot vs. a dungeon/playroom (although I’ve been to swingers’ clubs that have some kink equipment, but it is like a side dish rather than the main meal). I’ve done more of the swinger stuff, so that informs my advice:

   Things to talk about:

   What are you willing to do generally? Are you just going to soak up the atmosphere, maybe get your exhibitionist/voyeur on? Are you looking for a third only, or will you play with another couple or more? Some couples just want to fuck in the same room with you, with the person you came with. You may hear the terms “soft swap (usually messing around but not having PIV with anyone other than your partner)” vs. “full swap” Also, do you need to be in the same room or do you want to wander off?

   What if someone is only interested in one of you, e.g, a woman just wants to make out with you but not your bf? Will he need to be at least allowed to watch?

   STI/safety precautions, I would say most places condoms are pretty accepted for PIV but less so for oral, but set your own limits ahead of time.

   How do you want to communicate with each other if someone(s) are approaching you for play? Some people have a code word, some people straight up go conference in the corner at some point during the flirting.

   Lust happens, but sticking to pre-agreements is usually a good idea, because a lot of times only one person wants to change things mid way through and that puts pressure on the other person.

   As for flags: lots of places require newbies do a tour. The guides are usually members and volunteers, and you can learn a lot. For example, I’ve been on tours where the guide is very explicit about the value of consent, and I’ve been on one where someone thought it would be a good time to make a joke about that. Guess which one I liked more?

   Some places also use a wristband system for consent, certain colors indicate whether someone has to ask, or the wristbands indicate what you’re looking for.

   There will probably be lockers, but they may not have locks, so bring your own (I prefer combination because I don’t want to lose the key).

   Depending on your preferences, it may be relevant to know what rules the club has for single guys- do they have to be vouched for, are there nights they aren’t allowed at all, etc.?

   Also, I’m sad to say that some places are shitty to bi men and trans people, so if you can get the scoop from the community on that shit, do so.

   Lots of places have their own chatrooms, etc. to check out beforehand or post events online (e.g. Fetlife for kink things) and that can be a good way to get to know people.

3. As someone who has lived in Calgary for many years and has attended a few clubs over the years, you get out of it what you put into it. If you sit in the corner shy and unapproachable, you likely won’t get approached. If you’re social and mingle, you will get to know some people. Sometimes the easiest way to get into your comfort zone for the first visit is to wander up to the playroom together and have some fun with each other. It will get you comfortable being around others and may lead to some play with others as well. The key thing to remember for yourselves is it is totally ok to say NO to anyone and the rules at all the clubs are quite clear when it comes to that. Go with no expectations for sex and whatever happens is a bonus!