I (27FTM) have been with my girlfriend (27F) for three years now and our sex life has never been great. It used to take up to 3 hours of me stroking and her using the vibe to get her off, and I wouldn’t at all since I was too tired at the end for anything else. I had never been in a long term relationship w a woman (slept w women but not more than twice per person), used a strap or toys in general, had sex at all in 2 years, and get bottom dysphoria, so I was miserable and almost broke up with her until I broke down and cried one day mid fuck.
Things have gotten way better on that front—only about a half hour now—but I’m still just completely unsatisfied. It’s hot of course, im very attracted to her, but I don’t get off from a rubber thing slamming against my stomach for a half hour. We’ve talked about it a few times and she’s gotten better about making sure I get off before we’re done, but it’s just about 3 min w a vibe and some kissing, I get a small O then that’s it. She’ll penetrate me sometimes, but only on special occasions. I feel like my pleasure is an afterthought and find myself dodging sex constantly cause it feels like a chore. The only time I feel genuinely satisfied is when she penetrates me maybe once a month if I’m lucky—and even that lasts barely 10 minutes—or masturbating to porn alone. It’s gotten to the point where im questioning my sexuality.
I know that I’m bi, I love women in general, and love my gf and am very attracted to her, but I find myself reminiscing about my hoe phase when I was having sex with tons of cis men. I miss being dominated, getting my back blown out, me and my partner experiencing equal pleasure (I can get off from stimulation or penetration), and also tongue kissing. My gf thinks it’s gross, so most of the time when we’re “making out” it’s just pecks over and over while she breathes directly into my nose from hers. I’m also very kinky, and she’s specifically not down for a lot of the things I am.
When we started dating we both came into it claiming to be switches, and I still think I am. I just think she’s a pillow princess and having a balance between playing both sub and dom roles is more important to me than I realized. We’ve talked about opening the relationship, but the idea of her having sex w cis men is devastating. I already feel dysphoric enough, so for me it just reaffirms the feeling that since I can’t give her what she needs, she had to go find a real man instead.
Is it possible that I just can’t be fully satisfied by a long term sexual relationship with a woman? I feel so guilty for all or these thoughts but don’t know how else to talk to her about it, and I can tell it hurts her feelings when I try. It feels hopeless.
3 comments
This is something you need to talk with her about and it will hurt. Trying to protect her feelings only makes you take the brunt of the pain. This is a relationship and you need to share how you feel to work together and be happy together. Is there risk in this, yes but is that risk worth it, usually yes. Only you can decide this.
It sounds like your partner doesn’t prioritize your pleasure, and honestly, you don’t sound sexually compatible. I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
Youre with a pillow princess, bud. Sorry.
im gonna talk using standard antomical terms, since i dont know your prefered ones (sorry, if i knew for sure what you prefereed i would use them)
Have you tried the insertable strapon things (strapless strapons) but with a strap too? My ex Bf was FTM and would absolutely rail me with one of those and it was basically in constant clit contact, and it gave him some level of penetration while he did me. Then id swap over and just fuck him piv, it worked really really well. Id reccomend them any day of the week.
a lot of strapons can be slung lower so they cover more of the clitoral ara and push more against your pubic arch than your abdomen, worth trying.
Ultimately though, i think you are with a selfish partner. If shes getting hour and half sessions, she should be ready to dish out at least an hour for you.
From what youve said, youre for sure not a stone top, so its kind of a mismatch. I think you ahould really consider moving on, maybe into an open thing where you can get penetrated more?
My spouse had a lot of difficulty finding cis-women who would put in the work with a strap on. Its a work out!