Do you tell them about them before being intimate? Do you let them find out and ask on their own? How do you feel if the topic is brought up?

36 comments

  1. I will only answer if they ask, and i will answer. Honestly, I have a lot of scars, some from self-harm, some from various injuries. They are a part of my skin and my history, and I’m not sensitive about them, but I don’t feel the need to draw attention to them either.

  2. i didnt mention it until months into our relationship where i cracked a joke about self harm and showed my arm. he said something in the lines of “i kinda guessed what those were but didn’t want to ask”. he was sensitive about it and never said anything harsh.

    generally, i dont bring it up unless people ask. its very obvious tho but no point in feeling bad

  3. When I met my husband I just let him see them and didn’t say anything particular about it before. He wanted to talk about it but not in a judgmental way, he just wanted to know all about me.

    He never said anything bad about them and doesn’t care at all.

  6. I don’t hide them, but I don’t bring it up or anything either. They’re there, they are what they are, I’ve made my peace with it. If someone asks I’m honest about it. No one has ever been rude or anything, I’m always met with gentle questioning and sensitivity if anything at all.

  7. I’m a cancer survivor so I have a LOT of scars. I usually give people a heads up on the cancer shit but not the SH scars. Or I’ll just say I’ve got a lot of scars for various reasons. TBH it’s pretty obvious which ones are which.

  8. Transman, but before I transitioned/know I was trans I was with a lesbian who pointed to my thigh and said ‘Why there???’

    Always stuck me as exceptionally odd to ask.

    edit: not other notable experiences otherwise so thats why i mentioned here in this sub

  9. I always have self harm scars visible unless I’m dressed for winter and that’s how I like it. Anyone who saw them and felt uncomfortable enough to have an issue with it is something I would be fundamentally incompatible with anyways. My lower arm scars require I close look but my upper thighs could be used to play multiple games of tic tac toe at once. I find it healing to be open and unconcerned about the unhealthy coping mechanisms humans fall back on.

    What is a lot scarier for me is when I have what I call a “slip up” where it’s just one bad night, I cut, and then the next day move on with my life as many months as I can before it happens again. Every time I have to do that I let the person know well before my pants come off!

  10. My arms are mostly scar tissue. The most recent (a few years ago) ended up needing stitches, so they’re especially prominent and discolored. It looks a bit like I have elephant skin, like the skin on my arms has lots of tiny wrinkles.

    I don’t know why, exactly, but I’ve never cared one way or another. I don’t like or dislike them, that’s just how my arms have looked for most of my life, and it’s so obviously self harm that there doesn’t really have to be a conversation. I’m cool with talking about it or whatever, it doesn’t bother me.

    If they were staring or looking at me questioningly, I would probably say something like, “Yikes, right?”

  11. My boyfriend and I were being intimate and he questioned them when he saw them. So, we had a conversation about them. He’s very gentle and understanding and wanted to know what I had been going through/feeling at the time- so I told him. He never once judged me and hasn’t asked about them since. It may be TMI, but I will say that he kisses them before going down on me sometimes

  12. I usually don’t tell them before we are intimate – I’m comfortable with them and don’t see a need to specifically highlight I have them. If they ask about them I’m open about what they are and will answer any questions they will ask. I don’t really feel any particular way about the topic when it’s brought up – it’s just a part of my story! In fact I’m pretty open about them in general; I’ve had people at the gym ask about them even and I’m straight up with them.

  13. If anyone asks i jokingly say i have been bitten by a wolf. But usually they know what it is and don’t ask anything about it.

    Hope you’re well!

  15. my partner knew of my history before he saw the scars, and when we are intimate, he holds my arms, soothingly rubs my scars and tells me how beautiful I am.

    I’ve never really been shy about them, as I’ve decimated my skin with no real option to get around dealing with the fact that they’ll be obvious unless I want to live in a snow suit.. They scare people, or people are ignorant, and if someone asks “what happened” I generally just tell them the truth as long as it’s age appropriate. To someone young I may say that I got into an accident or that I was badly hurt, which is not a lie. It irks me so much when adults ask the question of what happened, though, as it’s quite obvious (at least in my case).

    I had a partner in my early 20’s who made me hide my scars, to which I felt deeply ashamed about, particularly when we went over to his family’s house (which we were at often, holidays, weekends etc.). and out in public. One day I said fuck it, took my sweater off, and he and his family dealt with the fact that I had and probably was cutting.

    I think brining up the topic prior is helpful, not necessary, but very helpful. I would say something along the lines, assuming they’re aware of some mental health struggles, that “Hey X, I know we’ve talked a bit about my ___________________ (depression, bi polar, bpd, etc.) and I haven’t always had the most adaptive way at coping with things in life. I used to / am in recovery from self harm, I wanted to share this piece of me with you because I care deeply about you, and I’m hoping that we can talk about them, if you have any questions, and how you can support me through our intimacy.”

  16. Uhhh if they have questions I answer honestly. But I do not bring it up myself. I mean, a lot of them are pretty obvious and they’re everywhere on my body. I don’t hide them at all, they’re a part of me, and old. I’m not ashamed of them at all either.

  19. A lot of mine are covered by a tattoo but I have two that are very visible on my arm that I don’t really notice but I’m sure everyone else does. But realistically they could have come from anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ I haven’t really had anyone ask or talk about it too much including partners so idc

  21. Mine are covered by a tattoo but if I’m asked, I will always answer honestly. It was a part of my life that got me to a place that I am in now, which is like night and day. Nonetheless, they are a part of me just like anything else on my body is.

  22. I have a LOT of self harm scarring from my early teens, all over my body. A lot of it can’t be hidden, and I honestly forget that they’re there as they’ve been a part of me most of my life. They’re just a normal part of me. I used to feel extremely embarrassed about them, might warn a partner beforehand or do my best to keep them from noticing. Now I don’t think twice about it and people don’t ask. Every now and then I’ll notice a partner of mine looking or tracing them with their fingers, which I think is really sweet. Nobody asks me about them because it’s obvious what they are and why they’re there. Just a part of my story!

  23. A fair amount of my really bad ones are covered by tattoos but some are not. If you ask about them I’ll be honest but I see no reason to mention it just cause

  24. I’ll tell them the same thing I tell anyone that sees them: that I was attacked. By poor mental health.

  25. If they ask, I answer honestly. It’s bound to come up as we get to know each other. They aren’t as obvious now as they used to be.

  26. I don’t say anything until asked and when asked I give a very brief explanation then move on. I’m not really ashamed but I definitely wouldn’t bring that up out of the blue.

  27. (27 M)

    For friends, or relationships.
    Would it be advised to never bring it up unless she mentions it before?
    I’m wondering if never bringing it up would make it seem like it makes me uncomfortable or that I’m not interested in everything about her.
    But I’m also worried that if I bring it up, it’ll be a sensitive topic she hoped I wouldn’t notice.

    Usually with friends, I’m told that I’m often respectful and that they feel comfortable talking to me.
    I’m fortunate that the majority of friends are open so long as respect is kept on both sides.
    I’ll usually add that if she doesn’t want to mention it, I won’t bring it up again, to which I’m often told “No. It’s fine. Just kind of hard to talk about out loud, you know?”
    And I’ll say that if she wants to talk about it, she should know I’d be happy to hear anything she has to say.
    But if she doesn’t, just let me know and I won’t bring it up again.

    I just don’t want to create a situation where she’s wondering “How would he react if I bring this up?”

  29. My scars aren’t straight lines, so I don’t have a telling mark. I used to tell significant others but it was used against me by someone else for the last time, the last time. I forgive myself and love myself for everything. I seek opportunities to talk about the brain, how it malfunctions and the pain it causes but my scars are mine to myself. I got better a long time ago. If anyone asks me, I accidentally put my hand through a window when I was 14.
    It took me years to believe that my husband would never be so cruel and so far he hasn’t but, yeah I’d have to wait years. It’s sad but I have one good experience out of the rest.

  31. Ive never had a conversation about sh scars with my partners. They are not small, they are quite big. Idk why, no one asked.

  32. Mine aren’t obviously from self-harm, so it’s easier for me. (I told my parents and friends it was a kitchen accident and they believed it.) It took a few months before I felt comfortable telling my boyfriend the real, not-kitchen-accident story, but he took it surprisingly well.

  33. I don’t care . If someone has a problem or is judgmental I don’t wanna be with them in the first place

  36. I don’t. People are weird and it’s obvious what they are . You’re not making me explain them when I just met you.

    One guy I dated fucking kissed them and that sealed the deal for me not talking about it.

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