My (33f) boyfriend (32m) is considering moving in with me, and I’m wondering if I can/should ask for rent.

38 comments

1. I’d tally up the monthly shared costs (rent, utilities, etc) and then divide it based on % of total income.

   I make a lot more than my partner so I pay a greater percent of the bills, cover vacays, buy the groceries, and handle large purchases. He is fiscally responsible, works hard, it’s just that he’s not in a lucrative field so it doesn’t bother me to be contributing more.

2. There are several ways to deal with this. 50/50 clearly isn’t a good idea and you both seem to agree on that. Him paying his own rent is a good idea as it is an amount he is already accustomed to. Another idea is to split expenses by income, so if you earn 5x of what he does, then you pay 5/6 and he pays 1/6. This is what me and my partner do, with a joint account for all common expenses. One put £3 and the other put £2 for every £5 we need, as that is our difference in pay.

   Alternatively, anything in between these options. He doesn’t seem unreasonable so really suggest what you are comfortable with and trust that he will do the same. At the end of the day he needs to feel like he has some money that is his own, without you paying for everything.

3. Not inappropriate to ask for rent, weird that your friends think that.

   Take your wages and measure them against each other. You make more than he does, so you pay more. Work with percentages so it’s easy and transparent. I find everyone feels better when you’re able to sit down and have a frank conversation where you can BOTH work out an arrangement that feels fair.

   Good luck!

4. Everyone should be contributing – while you need to work out how much, I think one partner not contributing should be a nonstarter.

5. Looking at the numbers, personally, a fair number that came to mind is 1500$ a month. It lessens his financial burder while also paying a nice chunk out of your monthly rent.
   Afterwards it all depends on how he acts and helps with chores as well. At 1500$ a month he better not loaf around and let you do most of the household chores.

6. Of course he should pay something

   What does he pay for rent now

   He should definitely split utilities and other costs associated with having your own place

7. $1500 is what came to mind for me – a bit of a break for him, and a huge help to you.

   My gf and I split rent 50/50, but I purchase all of our cannabis as I have way less bills than she does (I have no car or insurance payment) – I am on medical leave from work right now so income a bit reduced, but we’re still sticking to the same arrangement.

8. The general guide is you split expenses in proportion to your incomes.

   > I make about 5x more than he does

   This seems to indicate that if you paid $4,000 and he pays $1,500 you would not be far wrong. Also bear in mind you have property taxes and utility costs too.

9. I think it’s more about a percentage. He should be paying, so your 1.5k seems good because if it frees a little of his pressure but still helps you, that’s great. Also look at hours worked to divide up responsibilities at home and talk about the shared labour aspect, not just the money. Good luck! 🖤

10. I’d say no more than he currently pays. He likes his place, so he’s compromising with you. You can’t ask him to live outside his means.

11. If you make 5 times what he makes, he should pay one-sixth of the rent. I would say he should pay half of the other living expenses like utilities, food, etc

12. It should be proportional to income. If he makes 20% of your income then he should pay 20% of the bills.

13. Reasonable amount: $1500 (Slightly below market value, less than his current rent)

    Considerate amount: $1000 (Both of you save an extra $1000 a month, proportionate to income)

14. 5500$/month ?

    You can buy a house for that kind of money.

15. I would go with $1500- like you said it’s lower than what he pays now, and its around what he would pay if you split rent based on % of income.

16. All of this is good advice and I think your thinking is good too – this should ease the burden on both of you, that would be fair, because sharing lives means sharing burdens, if there is a way to make it so you both feel less financial pressure, that’s the way to do it, even if you get a little less relief in hard numbers than he does (because you make more). Same with chores and stuff – work out which ones you don’t mind doing and which ones you hate, separately; compare lists and then if there’s stuff you both hate doing, you do it together or trade off. Living together means being partners in tackling things.

17. 20% of $5,500 is $1,100.

    If you make 5x the income this is a fair split for both of you. Simple math, both are contributing fairly and equitably to the rent. I would suggest splitting the bills in a similar distribution as well.

18. So I think you can set rent proportionate to income (so he would pay a 1/5th of what you pay) or you can set rent at what is in his budget now- aka a little less than he pays for his current apartment.

    I wouldn’t be resentful of my partner paying less. It seems you WANT to move in together, your place makes more sense, you know he is struggling at the moment and also that he just makes less than you. I pay for my partner and I to go on vacation because he can’t, and I want him to go. I don’t resent that because it is a choice and I know he does work hard. Most couples will always have an income disparity, so you make choices that fit both of your budgets, or the higher earner takes on more to improve everyone’s lifestyle.

    Now, a few pieces of advice.

    1. My old boss had her partner move in with her, but he made much less money than she did. So she told him for the first 4 months, to not pay rent but put that money in an emergency fund, because she owned the place and if they broke up, he would need to move out and she didn’t want to worry about him not being able to do so quickly. Such a great move! By the way they are still together and have a kid, but that security is huge! So maybe don’t have him pay any rent for 2 months but tell him you expect him to put that money aside in a savings account.
    2. Is he going to be able to decorate and have access to the whole apartment? You already live there, so if he is just squeezing in (half a closet, couple drawers, not much else changes) then it makes even more sense to charge him less, because he is taking up less of the space than you are.
    3. One partner typically makes more, so you either have to compromise your lifestyle (aka, live in a cheaper place, do cheaper things) or be willing to pay for more stuff. Either way is totally fine! There is still a stigma about women doing this, when men have been doing it for a long time (financially supporting a partner), and I’ve experienced this stigma myself. You really just have to decide which approach works better for you, and then commit to that and not being resentful. My partner works hard, is emotionally available and supportive of me, and adds value to my life in many ways, so, I don’t mind paying for more things than he does because I enjoy doing them with him. That is what matters!

19. Like others said, going off of % is the most fair and I think your proposal of $1500 is more than fair to both of you.

20. My fiancé and I divided it up by percentages. I made almost double what he did at the beginning, then I got a new job/he got a promotion so I make around $105k and he makes $80k. We’re both using his car and he covers most expenses for that (aside from me getting gas once a monthish) so we split rent 65/35. We made a spreadsheet showing different divisions and decided what we were comfortable with together.

21. So you make 5x him or about 5/6 of your joint income. So you should pay 5/6 of your joint costs.

    $5500 for rent, 1/6 is $925. He pays $925, you pay $4575. You both pay less than you were individually paying. Win for both you.

    Same math would work for the electrical bill, say $150 a month. He pays $25 you pay $125.

    Or do some other split for you joint costs that you both agree with 3/4, 2/3 etc. Only do 50/50 if you are living within his means. With him moving in your place, it should not be 50/50. It should not be what he was paying before, then there is benefit to him, only you get a benefit.

22. Make sure to address chores and domestic type expectations. Chores I would split based on hours per week you each work. 40 hours a week each, even chores division. Talk about specific chores and rate them for each of you. Dishes are one of my least favorite or picking stuff up off the floor is hard with my back. Pet peeves I hate when the kids take out the garbage and don’t put a new bag in. Discuss it all up front.

23. Look into splitting finances proportionally based on income.

24. The way I see it, in a marriage where there are laws fairly splitting assets on a dissolution of the relationship, both partners should be coming to a mutual agreement on all decisions based on what is best for the unit. But in a dating relationship, where there are no laws covering what happens when the relationship ends, you should be making decisions that leave both people in a better financial situation than if they weren’t in that relationship.

    So, like, if your boyfriend weren’t dating you, he would move away and live somewhere cheaper than $2000 a month. If you were to charge him $2000 a month rent to live with you, he would be worse off financially than if he weren’t in a relationship with you, which will put pressure on the relationship. If you were to charge him no rent to live with you, you would be worse off financially than if he weren’t in a relationship with you, because you are losing out on a significant amount of your space and increasing utility costs without having somebody contributing to those costs.

    The fact that your boyfriend is considering moving to a lower cost of living city, rather than looking for a higher paying job, is a good sign that this is a relationship question you guys are going to have to tackle. It’s not going to be that in like a couple years, you’re both making the same amount of money and you’re going to split costs evenly. If this relationship lasts long term, you’re either going to be subsidizing his lifestyle, or you’re going to be moving somewhere significantly cheaper, so think deeply about how you feel about that before you ask *anyone* to make any long term housing decisions based on your relationship.

    That being said, I think the 2 best options are either that your boyfriend moves wherever he would have moved if you weren’t in a relationship and you set up your apartment however you would have if you weren’t in a relationship, or you invite your boyfriend to live with you, paying what he would have been paying for a more affordable apartment elsewhere (like $1500). That way, nobody is making a significant sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. No additional financial pressure. Gives you a chance to think about how it’s going to work in the long term.

25. Yes! You can and should ask for rent. This is a healthy and normal ask…not just for you, but for him too. While the idea of living rent free off someone else may sound great, if he has any sort of self-respect he will feel “less than” for not being a financial contributor to the relationship.

    In situations like yours, where there is a big gap in income between the two partners, it’s perfectly reasonable to agree to pay common expenses on a pro rata basis based on income. It’s easy to do…identify all the expenses that are common (electricity, gas, internet, rent, food, etc.) that both of you use together. This is what you will be splitting up. Next look at your gross incomes. If you gross $250k and he makes $50k annually, then you will be paying 5/6 of the common bills and he will be paying 1/6. Any material change in pay for either partner, and you adjust the percentage based on the new incomes. If he goes to $100k and you’re still at $250k, the new split would be 71%/29%.

    Individual expenses (car payments, car insurance, gym memberships, cell phones if you aren’t on a joint plan, student loans, credit card debt, etc.) are not part of the shared expenses and each person pays their own. That way, he’s not paying a portion of your expensive car lease, and you aren’t paying on his student loans (as two examples).

    Another reason that this is a “fair” approach to moving in together is that your disparity in income affords you the opportunity to live in a place that he couldn’t afford on his own. He’ll probably still ending up paying less than he was if he was living on his own prior to the move in, so financially it should be something that he can manage.

    Good luck!

26. Whatever you do, agree on rent, utilities and CHORES in writing before you let him move in!

27. Of course he should pay rent. If your salaries are different, just do 1.5k and you do the rest.

28. I think your idea of 1500 is a very good one.

29. Does his $2000 a month include all bills and utilities? if not, then 2k per month all in with you would be a deal. Otherwise you pay 5/6 and he pays 1/6? Or speak with him about what he’s thinking? I think both of you should benefit financially from living together.

30. I say go ahead and tell him, you would be willing to let him pay 1500 if he contributes in other ways – i.e. doing additional chores. This way he’ll feel like he’s contributing equally and you’ll get something beneficial to you out of it

31. You could also do a split where you pay the rent and he pays for the utilities and groceries.

32. I’m in a similar situation right now! I make about 4x what my boyfriend makes and we’re talking about moving in together. We decided to look for a place that’s approximately the same as what I pay for my current apartment and then he’ll pay 1/3 of the rent. My rent is about $2500/mo right now and his rent is $1200. So if he can pay $800 for the new place we both save money and we’re contributing proportionately to the house. And then we’re planning on splitting utilities and groceries evenly. For us, this seemed like the most fair way to split things up so there isn’t any resentment and we both get to save some money.

33. $1,500 to $2,000 is fair.

    He would still have to pay rent if he didn’t live with you.

34. You are not his mother. He can pay proportional to his income.

35. When you make 5X as much as someone, and you’re expecting to live at your standard of living, and not theirs, it’s unconscionable to expect them to pay 40% of the rent. Yes it’s the same amount he’s paying now, but that means you are getting 100% of the financial advantage of living together on top of being in the stronger position financially already.

    You make 5/6 of the income, and he makes 1/6. He should really be paying 16-17% of the joint bills, and then it makes sense for him to pay for his own phone, car, debts, etc. That would be about $935 in rent.

36. $1500 is an excellent compromise. It is good that you are both thinking about this.

37. Since you make 5 times more, I would ask him to pay one fifth of your rent, which means both of you contribute the same percentage of your paychecks. That would be $1,100. However, if that feels low to you, $1,500 is also fair as it would be significantly lower than what he had before at a nicer place. I think $2,000 is too much for the situation described.

    Do not let him in for free – because then you might be the one resenting him down the line and because you don’t want to establish that you pay for everything. Also, you don’t want someone to stay with you just because if they break up, then they don’t have a place to stay. $1,500 with you, means he can use those $1,500 for a different place if things don’t work out.

    With that later thought, I think $1,500 would be a win win for both sides.

38. $1,000 month plus half of household expenses such as utilities, internet, supplies, etc. And his share of chores.

    Why? Because he was paying $2,000 to live on his own and even that was a strain. Now he’s moving in with someone else instead of alone. I know it’s not the same but given the income disparity and his situation, it does at least have him paying a chunk.

    Either that or the $2k the prior roommate was paying. Although she probably had her own room while he’s sharing with you.