My fiancé (26M) and I (21F) have been engaged for about 2 months now. He proposed casually in our living room right after I walked out of the bathroom. I initially said yes because I’m pretty sure I want to marry him and was excited. But now I can’t stop crying over my proposal.
When I had a feeling it was coming I only asked one thing: do not propose in the house. I didn’t care whether it was some huge grand gesture or just done while on a walk in the park nearby. I didn’t care what it actually was just not in the house.
About two weeks ago I talked with him about how I was disappointed in the proposal for being in the house. We had just been out on a great adventure through downtown and to a cute little pub and had a great time. He could have very easily done it then. He said he left the ring in the car, which I understand. But I don’t believe it would have been that hard to go to the car and grab it, or to wait till another time. He has offered to re-propose but I honestly don’t see a point. There is no getting that moment back, and I will always know that the second proposal was only done because I asked for it.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I would get sad everytime I thought about the proposal or looked at my ring but today it came to a head. I couldn’t put my ring back on after my shower because I just looked at it and broke down. I tried again after I had calmed down but as soon as I went to grab it off the counter I was sobbing again. I don’t want to cry everytime I think of what should have been a special happy moment. I know there’s no changing what happened but I don’t feel I can get over this. I know this isn’t something to end the relationship over but I am just so lost right now.
32 comments
lame proposal. especially given your request. I’m not super “romantic” by nature but I was smart enough to ask my wife how she wanted to be proposed to.
I can’t speak to “pretty sure”. you should be sure, or very sure, before accepting a proposal of marriage. but it’s your life.
fundamentally this is not about the proposal, or the ring. it’s about his disregard for your preference and perceived lack of effort in the relationship.
I personally wouldn’t be impressed with your fiance’s behaviour. Definitely warrants a conversation.
This may not be something to end the relationship over for you but it may show that perhaps it’s better to just pause the engagement and go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend for another couple of years.
Two questions:
How long have you been dating?
Is this kind of behavior out of character for him, or is this part of a bigger pattern?
If you want to salvage this relationship you’re probably going to have to be honest with this guy and yourself. If you truly had your priorities straight and really wanted to build a life with this man you wouldn’t be this upset about how he proposed. So just tell him you do want to marry him someday but at 21 you’re just not quite there yet in terms of valuing what one is supposed to in a relationship. He’s likely never going to be a hopeless romantic but in three or four years you won’t be so hung up on the trappings of this either. Ask him to wait for you to mature a little so that when you begin your lives together you’ll both be operating with adult intention.
Deep down you know that marrying this guy will be a mistake. Reading your comments he just sounds awful, and only proposed due to family pressure. You can’t even trust him to care for your child properly on his own.
Do not get married. Break the engagement. Get yourself into therapy.
This post hit home for me in a huge way. When I was 21 my then-boyfriend proposed in a very similar way after I told him I didn’t want him to propose in the house. He told me how I should be happy he proposed, that it’s about the marriage not thr proposal, that my idea for a proposal (at a restaurant) was silly and cliche.
But it wasn’t just about the proposal. This was just another example of him not bothering to put the bare minimum of effort. An example of him not taking my feelings seriously and acting like I should just be thrilled that he wanted to be with me. Of putting me down to make his life easier.
Calling off my wedding was one of the best decisions I ever made. Years later my now-husband proposed to me in a fancy restaurant as part of a romantic weekend he planned. It was absolutely as silly and hokey as my ex had anticipated but I loved it. My husband listens to me, respects my feelings, and puts in effort in our relationship.
PLEASE do not settle for this man you’re with. You deserve so much more than the bare minimum.
Trust your feelings. My OH left the ring behind but he still saw an opportunity to make it a thing that we would both remember, it isn’t about the ring, it is about the feeling behind it and I suspect the feeling isn’t that you are his soul mate and he wants to be with you for his whole life.
I would really trust that you don’t feel special and you don’t want to be living with this guy for the next 10/20 or 40 years.
Do you?
Sounds like you got stuck with a guy that does the bare minimum. And he can because he got someone young and clearly is okay with not getting anything (from your comments).
He’s not going to change. So either accept that or leave. Those are the options
So I am reading your comments out here.
You’ve been with his since Nov 2021 (so when you were 18 and he was 23)
This behaviour is not new for him, and he is very unwilling to compromise (no surprises there, that’s why he picked an 18yo in the first place)
His dad called your 4 month old daughter a ‘basterdette’ (🤢🤢🤢) This is where I stopped reading your replies.
Girl, go back and read your own post and the comments you’ve made, and ask yourself why exactly you want to marry this man? Is it because of the baby? SMH
You’re not crying because the proposal was shitty and he did the *one thing* you asked him not to do. You’re crying because you see that this is what your life is gonna be like and you feel trapped. Go find a way for yourself and your child to be free of this situation instead of bending over to accommodate this man
Neither of you are ready for marriage. I can tell this probably won’t last a few months.
So you got a lame and useless proposal from a lame and useless man. Your fault here is expecting anything other than uselessness out of somebody who has proven to be nothing other than that. Do yourself and your child a favor and have higher standards for who you share your life with. This man will do nothing other than make you unhappy, overworked, and alone.
If this isn’t a big glaring neon sign of how shitty your marriage to this guy would be, I don’t know what is. In the very first step to marriage, he made clear that he doesn’t give a shit about what you want, and is not willing to put in any effort or consideration to make you happy. It even almost seems like a power play, purposefully doing the one thing you said you didn’t want. How disrespectful.
You’re “Pretty sure” you want to marry him???
I feel like if you were really excited and wanted to marry him, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Maybe a little disappointed, but not like this. This level of disappointment seems like it may be a reaction to a pile of disappointments, and this is just the cherry on top. The bar was literally on the floor and he still couldn’t be bothered to reach it. You didn’t ask for anything expensive or elaborate here. Is that normal for your relationship?
Don’t go through with a marriage you don’t really want. You’re only 21. You have SO much time to find someone you’re really happy with. Don’t settle on some guy who won’t even do the BARE. MINIMUM.
Ok… Back up a second. “I was pretty sure I wanted to marry him”
NO! In the wise words of Yoda. Do, or do not. There is no try.
Either be 100% sure or don’t get married, there is no pretty sure.
You’re still not married! I really hope you take these comments seriously and rethink marrying this guy. It’ll be much more easy now than later.
To me, saying you’re pretty sure you want to marry someone just means deep down you know something isn’t right.
Also! This isn’t a stupid detail, it’s a detail that shows you part of who he is. And apparently that’s someone that couldn’t even be bothered to do the one small thing you asked and not marry you right after wiping your ass and stepping out of your bathroom. Couldn’t be bothered to make this huge moment even a little bit special. You’re worth more than that, don’t sell yourself short and make yourself feel bad for wanting more.
So even before I read the comments, I wanted to tell you this: You aren’t crying over the proposal, you are crying because the proposal is a symbol of his lack of care/attention/planning/listening and you don’t want to sign up for that for the rest of your life.
With the comments, yep, that is what it is. You were clear about some very basic expectations for the proposal. You asked for ONE THING and he couldn’t do it, and the thing was the easiest of all things- just don’t propose in the house. He showed a lack of basic listening, a lack of care, a lack of consideration, for what should be the biggest symbol of your love and dedication to each other. He is asking you to spend the rest of your life with him, and he does it by not meeting the most minimum of partnership standards.
So of course you are upset, because this man rarely listens to you, rarely puts you first, doesn’t spend any time or care on making you feel special, and he demonstrated all that in the way he proposed.
Yes you have a kid together, but your child will be way better off with two parents who are happy apart, then being raised in a home with a very unhappy mother and witnessing her father not having to do the bare minimum in a relationship. Give him back the ring, be clear that he isn’t at all showing up as a true partner, and he either has to start meeting those standards or you will break up all together.
If it is the right person, the proposal doesn’t matter as much. Are you sure he is the right person?
Um. I dont think this is about the proposal, I think it’s maybe about you not really wanting to marry him.
Reading through your responses, you deserve a lot better than this.
Reading your comments give back the ring, take your daughter and leave his ass. He sound horrible don’t do this to yourself.
Listen, you know what this is. This is you understanding you’re signing up to a lifetime of your partner not listening to you and ignoring your needs.
You asked for one simple thing and he couldn’t be bothered to deliver. I’m sorry. You’re not wrong to feel this way. This isn’t the man for you.
Personally I think people are very shallow when they care this much about a small detail of a proposal. But reading your comments it’s clear it’s not about the proposal but the man who proposed
I can’t even continue reading your responses…Stop making excuses for him and make some damn moves to get out of this relationship now. He isn’t going to change and you deserve better. Don’t even need to discuss it with him if you think you’ll lose your nerve, just break it off!
Give him back the ring and find other living arrangements. Otherwise, you are in for a lifetime of disappointments.
Based on the post itself: grow up
Based on reading your replies: grow up and leave
You’re going to be miserable forever if you marry this man.
Oh good lord. Grow up
If you were actually excited to marry him, you wouldn’t care how he proposed.
Don’t marry him.
Yeah, this isn’t about the proposal and you know it. You don’t want to marry him.
And that’s fine. He sounds horrible. I can’t imagine what would make him redeemable enough to marry after reading the things he’s said and done to you.
So don’t marry him. End the relationship. It’s time.
I think you should break up. Not because of the proposal but your reaction to it. A proposal is probably the least important thing about getting married. By my own admission, my proposal to my wife was lame. She didn’t care, the important part was we were getting married. It’ll be 33 years in July.
It sounds like you have a lot of issues between the two of you. Even if his proposal was perfect, that doesn’t change that. Even a storyboard wedding won’t change that, same with the great honeymoon and great house. IMO, cancel the wedding go to CC and see if your issues can be worked out. Right now neither or you are ready to marry anyone, especially each other.