I’ve rarely seen it as a topic of conversation. I’ve mostly seen it with regards to libido differences. Maybe it’s because I’m a minority as a girl that likes to be dominant 90% of the time? Are most people more flexible or don’t care? I’ve basically had to end a lot of relationships \[dates with hookups but I don’t have a word for it heading towards relationship though\] because I didn’t feel like we’d both we satisfied in the long run. I guess I’m wondering if it happens to everyone or if its just a me problem.
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Yeah, it’s weird to me that sexual compatibility doesn’t seem to be considered a factor much. I mostly see it brought up here. At the end of the day it is a factor that should be taken into consideration. Two people could be perfect in every way but one person could have an extremely low libido with only occasional interest in vanilla sex while the other is a nympho with a lot of kinky interests. They wouldn’t last despite everything else being perfect
You’re absolutely right that it’s a really big factor. I was heartbroken to have to end a 3 year long relationship with someone I really loved over sexual compatibility but at the end of the day he’s a “missionary with the lights off every time” person and I’m just not.
I 100% talk about it with potential partners. I like to talk about sex in general. It just comes up organically. The guys I’ve been compatible with are all men who like to talk about sex too.
>I guess I’m wondering if it happens to everyone or if its just a me problem.
It happens to everyone.
Everybody has sexual compatibility problems because everybody wants different things from their sex life. That said, we then get into the question of how many different things they want. We typically think of a sex life as being on a scale from vanilla to kinky, but I think it’s more accurate to talk about a scale of genericness to specificity. Personally, I am not only vanilla, I’m generic: as long as I get to put my penis in my wife’s vagina, I’m not very picky about what else happens. You, on the other hand, are quite specific about what you want to happen; and, as you’re discovering, that presents additional challenges.
That said, your problems are of degree, not kind. Other people may have a less acute, less pressing version of the problem, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the problem at all. Again, I can use myself as an example. All I’m looking for in sex is a woman who will let me have intercourse with her. Well, believe it or not, I actually succeeded in finding — falling in love with — _proposing to_ a woman who was not interested in that. (At the time, my ex ascribed it to asexuality; today my ex’s pronouns on Facebook are “he/him”; either would completely explain a disinterest in contributing a vagina to the act of sexual intercourse.) No matter how many criteria you have or don’t have, it’s always possible to find someone who doesn’t meet them.
So, yes: you may have more problems than average in finding a sexually-compatible partner. That’s just because you have a refined palate. You know what you want and you aren’t going to stop until you get it. There’s nothing wrong with that. =)
Sexual compatibility isn’t a big deal until it IS and then it’s too late. I agree with you 💯.
Many people are uncomfortable talking about sex and take it as taboo, or maybe they don’t want to sound too horny for discussing it while dating. But yeah it should definitely be discussed. I am kinda switch, but I prefer more gentle, sensual sex with lot of stimulating and teasing of erotogenous zones and if someone is only into just fucking then it is an incompatibility.
I feel like if a guy were to bring this up most women would assume he only wants sex and stop talking to him so that’s probably why. Personally I taught my bf how to be a dom and got him into bdsm since he was already perfect in every other way I Definitely wasn’t letting him go
I haven’t had that problem, but it can lead to issues if the two of you are on oppositive ends of the sex spectrum. Guys usually like to be dominant most of the time, so there is that going against you. There are submissive guys out there, but its hard to judge who that might be. Guys who are shy/introverted can be dominant in the bedroom, but nowhere else.
Happened to me 2 times and I made it clear of my drive. Sex to me, at least, is a good portion of a relationship and helps to bond and build intimacy. I am attentive and always willing to go the extra mile for my partner because life is short.
This is one of the first things I talk about when I think someone might be a potential new fling 😅😅 It’s so important!! Do others not normally have these discussions up front?? I didn’t know that wasn’t normal.
Sexual compatibility is just as important as trust, communication, shared values/goals, etc. when it comes to a relationship for me. I recently ended it with a really lovely guy because I didn’t find feel that connection and after communicating this, I didn’t see any signs of it improving.
I tend to be compatible with partners who are assertive, generally experienced, confident, enjoy trying new things, willing to talk about sex openly, an active participant, body positive, and someone who is confident in their own skin.
Unfortunately, these things are hard to gauge outside of the bedroom and while I am by no means a prude, I typically only discuss safety and hard no’s before sleeping with someone for the first time. Much of what I want to know can really only be discovered and felt by fucking and figuring it out.
I’ve been aware of the concept for some time now and straight up ended things with multiple guys before even having had sex once (if they describe things over text I know I won’t like, why bother?).
Personally I never cared for it in long-term relationships because there’s so many more factors that play important roles (humour, intelligence, hobbies etc), but the older I’ve gotten the more I question my stance. Maybe long time sexual satisfaction should be on my list.
So yeah, I agree with you. It should be considered.
Differences in libido only scratches the surface really. That is, if sex is more than just slapping bodies together. You really can have intimate love making and foreplay throughout the day with your partner. Something about building that sexual tension can be incredibly hot and can be often carried through over the course of hours, days, weeks, even months sometimes.
A few general things I like learning about a partner, although everyone is obviously different and these aren’t necessarily deal-breakers when all things are considered. I’m an HSP, so this list is coming from that perspective.
-Body chemistry: natural body odor attraction, pheromones compatibility
*This one can and has been a deal breaker as certain body chemistry can be repulsive. Also, body chemistry can change from appealing, to not so much, and back again. Which means either mine changed, the partner changed, or both.
-Sensitivity to touch, temps (cool or hot breath), sound, vibrations
*Generally there are more sensitive areas than others, but some people are unusually sensitive in areas you or they wouldn’t have expected.
-Kinks
*Preferences vary wildly of course. Finding overlap is fun, but not required if you can find some aspect about your partner’s kinks that are interesting to you. Often times if I don’t share a certain kink or fetish, but can sense my partner really enjoys it and connects with me even deeper, then I’m happy to participate. Finding and exploring new kinks together is pretty hot.
-Sexual growth
*Exploring Tantric sex, breathing, connecting deeply through eye contact, discovering that unbounded sexual energy can be unlocked in ways that were not imaginable before.
All of these things are worth discussing before having sex. If he/she can’t have a mature conversation about it and doesn’t seem open to growing sexually within themselves and with a partner, then at least for me, it’s not a good sign.
this is as important as anything in a relationship.
You’re right, and it’s completely upside-down to what would lead to happy relationships. A big part of the high divorce rate. I (65m) found an almost perfect match in my wife (67f), and we’ve been together 20 years. We have a nourishing, satisfying sex life, and that makes everything else between us even better. This is how it should be, and how it could be for anyone really, if they’d just make sexual compatibility a top priority.
This is why you should have sex early in dating, before you catch unshakable feelings.
IMO most people use sex as the way they figure out compatibility. I agree with you that it’s better to discuss beforehand what type of sex you are looking for.
I think people are just shy when it comes to sex. We socialize women to not be “sluts”, and we socialize men to not focus on sex so much that it’s hard for people to bring up. You are trying to make a good impression, so you avoid subjects that might make you look bad.
This is the bonus of casual sex. When I meet someone new we aren’t trying to land a new life partner, we’re looking for sex so we talk about it.
It’s an uncomfortable conversation that risks blowing up a new relationship right on the spot. Not disagreeing that those discussions would be actually a good idea, but peoples’ reluctance seems perfectly understandable.
I don’t have specific kinks that need to be satisfied for me to enjoy sex, but I do enjoy a lot of common kinks. I’ve never dated anyone who’s into extreme stuff, so it was never a problem to me.
In general all of my partners were great communicators in terms of sexual needs and never had a problem engaging in things I want to try or taking no as an answer and were always respectful about my choices.
I think people don’t talk about that kind of compatibility, because it’s really personal. Some people feel a lot of shame when it comes to their fetishes or need a lot of trust in relationship for other reasons to talk about them with their partner. Also needs and preferences can drastically change just the same as libido so how a person is currently is not a reliable indicator of how he will be in the future.
If people did consider it when dating, this sub wouldn’t have any content.
Keep in mind that this changes over time. A lot of things determine your sexual preferences and some internal factors (stress, self-esteem), relationship factors (how long is the relationship, how you get along, your perception about your partner) and external (housing, kids) can change that.
I”m not saying this is the reason why people don’t discuss it more often but it’s common that your preferences and libido will change over time with the same partner
I agree and I think it’s a big issue. Recently posted about my partner who I found out has a pretty specific kink (I’m open but pretty generic in my needs) and hasn’t really talked to me about it and I wish that he had.
I wish that more people could just talk about these things openly so that we don’t end up in relationships that aren’t sexually compatible, because it’s such an important part of a relationship. There’s just still so much stigma around sex and kinks and sexual preferences and I think that makes it really hard for a lot of people to explore whether or not they are compatible in the early stages of the relationship.
It’s funny because we have no problem asking people about their goals, whether they want to get married, have kids, what characteristics they want in a partner when we’re trying to determine compatibility. But we don’t have the same view about conversations around sex.
Absolutely.
This is why I always have the talk with potential partners about what I like, and what they like.
Communication early on…sexual compatibility is extremely important to me.
We live in a culture that treats romance as a magical cure all for compatibility. Like if you “really” love each other then you must be soul mates and communication, sex, compatibility should never be an issue. In reality humans tend to be a lot more complicated than that, and relationships of all kinds take a degree of emotional work.
We’re also given a very one size fits all version of what sex, relationships, gender and sexuality are supposed to look like. I’ve noticed that more mature partners rely less on those norms and assumptions, while less mature partners tend to take those norms for granted. He’ll, 2 different people may be operating on totally different assumptions of what the “normal” relationship is supposed to look like.
Dominant women are pretty common in reality, but tend not to be what the average cis het guy is looking at in media (and especially mainstream straight porn lol) and unfortunately way too many people take that as a representation of reality. 🤷🏽♂️ And plenty of people just sorta run with sexual roles that they aren’t comfortable with because advocating for yourself can be difficult.
Idk fam I just feel like the average person on straight dating apps is pretty repressed and avoids really interrogating their assumptions. Even in queer, kinky or poly communities you still run into it. I think it’s kinda shit for everyone tbh and we need a lot more cultural growth in this area.
I see it talked about quite regularly – on Reddit, within my friend circles, the conversation being raised by myself or whoever I’m talking to/dating. But that’s just my experience, and probably related to the fact that I’m a sexually open horndog who likes to date and be friends with people who are similar.
Men run the risk of being called pigs.
Women run the risk of being called sluts.
Nonbinary people at least have more sexually permissive attitudes from people who are open to dating someone nonbinary, I suppose.
Anyway, regardless of gender, it’s a difficult matter to discuss. Both in terms of what to say and in terms of how accurately people will self report. And that accuracy problem is both because some will misrepresent themselves intentionally and because of difficulties with self evaluation, especially for people who are much hornier when single and not able to have access to sex regularly.
As for not having a word for the different types of dating, perhaps “casual dating” could work for what you were doing, where you were basically screening your hookups.
Most people choose to just fuck around and find out.
It’s towards the top of my list and often discuss it before the first date just to weed out the incompatibles. My first marriage was wildly incompatible and I’m not doing that again.
This is a completely normal and valid concern to have. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship.
There are many other important factors: do you hold similar beliefs, morals, values, do you feel appreciated, safe, secure, do you have similar family history, are your financial goals aligned, are you attracted to this person, can they provide for you, can you provide for them, do you both want or not want children, etc.
Some people may not prioritise sexual compatibility as a non-negotiable in a relationship where as some do. Sexual compatibility also ebbs and flows throughout a relationship. It’s rare to be on the same page as our partners throughout he duration of our relationships.
Many partners have healthy and satisfying relationships with no sex. Many have unhealthy relationships with highly frequent sex. We should be discussing our sexual preferences with our partners early on and it’s very healthy that you do so. 😍