Ok so this will be long, will try my best to explain, it may seem petty and maybe I need a reality check, but here goes.
I have been with my husband almost 6 years, married almost 1. He is my second husband.
There is disparity in our sex life, I have a higher libido which we are both aware of, and we have sex on average once a week. Most of the time these are quickies, and I don’t orgasm. It is very hard to get me off and we will have longer sessions when we can where he puts in more effort and gets me there. I am not unrealistic or unreasonable about all of this, I get the practicalities. I can get myself off quickly with masturbation but prefer not to as it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, empty and pathetic.
Previously in our relationship we have discussed porn, and in general I have no issues with him using it. However it makes me feel unwanted and undesirable when he rejects me and does this instead. Before we got married I found out he had been using only fans and I basically said I was uncomfortable with this as it was more personal than porn and there was the opportunity to message people. He agreed not to use it, and also apologised for using it when I was in the house. This was a boundary (not doing it when I’m around) he had put in place with regular porn anyway early on in our relationship when I had propositioned him one night and he turned me down but then masturbated to porn, I was very upset by this.
These things, coupled with his low libido has left me with feelings of inadequacy, not being what he wants and not being enough. I also suffer low self esteem and this has compounded that.
Recently we have both been off work, and usually when we are off work we have sex more. This has been the case. However they have all been quickies. I was very much in the mood for something longer lasting and satisfying for me, and so turned him down on Thursday morning despite being very horny and up for sex. To note we had already had sex on the Saturday and Tuesday mornings directly before this. When I declined him Thursday he was fine with it, and I explained that I wanted to have sex but I didn’t want a quickie and suggested we wait until later. He said there was no guarantee he would want sex later, and that not having sex in the morning wouldn’t necessarily ensure he would. We discussed things where upon I said if we had sex in the morning there was less chance for later as he would be satisfied and even if we did he wouldn’t do certain things like oral after coming inside me in the morning. We discussed things more and ended up having sex anyway, and it was a quickie. He did however pull out before he came which made me feel a bit more hopeful of something more later. This never came of course and I accepted it for what it was and that I should have had more control of myself in the morning.
I spent all of Friday out the house and he was home alone. I expected he would masturbate as he always does when I’m out, regardless of how long it’s been since we’ve had sex. I was kinda pre-hurt by this assumption considering what had happened the day before. I returned home and thought he hadn’t actually done it and so felt a bit better.
Skip to today and I’m ashamed to say I looked on his ipad while he was in the shower. His internet history shows he was looking at porn twice on friday, as well as visiting numerous other websites during the week when I’ve been in the house. I feel absolutely disgusted.
I now feel we only had so much sex this week as he turned himself on with other stuff and then finished himself off with me. It makes me feel like I can’t turn him on and he needs porn to force himself to have sex with me, and that he probably doesn’t think about me during, and is instead reliving porn hes looked at. It also makes me question if he is really lower libido or if he’s only that way when it comes to me. He also broke his own rule about looking while I was in the house! I feel worthless, disrespected and generally unsexy and undesirable.
I have communicated these feelings to him before and so he knows how this affects me but has still continued, so that to me demonstrates his lack of care for me, or consideration of my feelings.
This might all seem petty or solvable, but my first marriage was plagued by an incredibly poor sex life of only quickies, only when he wanted and being ignored for porn and masturbation when he felt like it even if he had previously turned me down. He was never interested in my pleasure and only in getting himself off.
I do not want to end my marriage, but I also will not repeat what my first marriage was. I held on and on and on for 16 years and refuse to put myself through that again. On the flip side I don’t want to give up without a fight. I feel I need to raise this with him, but I know if I do he will just make it about the fact I checked up on him, and not the fact that I feel hurt and betrayed. He will feel attacked and be defensive and it will get us nowhere. So I can’t help but feel there is no resolution and I genuinely feel so disrespected that I am wondering what the point is in continuing. I could be single and not feel insecure and worthless and he can carry on with whatever, or I could continue my marriage and just never have sex again. I feel disgusted by him, like he’s not who I thought he was or something. I don’t want to have sex with him or for him to even see me naked. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
I know I need some sort of counselling or therapy to address my own issues around low self esteem, which I know would help but I can’t afford this right now. I don’t know how to approach this without it becoming about me and the fact I looked at his history, and not about his behaviours that we have agreed boundaries on that he has crossed.
TLDR-husband has broken intimate boundaries that we agreed on and it’s very hurtful. Similarities to my first marriage and I’m not sure if to continue or to call it quits and not waste any more time.