I have been dating my beautiful boyfriend for over 18 months. We first became friends in 2017. He was married at the time I met him and it all seemed to be going well for him, from what I was able to see from an outsiders perspective but behind closed doors he was getting abused, physically and emotionally, it got to a point where he had to start seeing a shrink and also start on antidepressants. He was divorced in late 2020.
I didn’t hear much from him during this time but at the start of 2021 we started to chat again, we became best friends gradually and by the end of 2021 we had more than feelings for each other and became official.
Since then life has been going well for him, he has quit smoking, he no longer needed to see his shrink and was told from his GP that it’s time to reduce the anti depressants.
We moved in together earlier this year into a rental property. My kids also live here too but only half the time and the other half at their dad’s house.
It’s been tough since moving in. We had issues with the real estate agent and owners of the rental home as it was neglected by the owners when they moved out and we had surprising maintenance issues that needed fixing. His job hasn’t been the best either especially since covid, he runs a family business with his father and he hasn’t been hitting enough sales, financially it could go downhill. He is also having conflict with his parents. As his meds have been reduced he is always agitated and quick to argue when it’s unnecessary, he talks about suicide sometimes and he talks bad about himself.
I can empathize for him and I give him space if required and love if required, I listen out to him, let him express his feelings, I try and encourage the positive things about him and why he is so important, I encourage intimacy and touch as it’s his love language but I seem to get nothing back.
How can I help my boyfriend through this tough time?
I also feel as mother that works full time and does the mum errands that I am probably a burden as he hasn’t dealt with a single mother before. My kids are pretty good and well maintained, sometimes they might want to argue with me but nothing crazy. I always make sure I do the most amount of work for my kids as they aren’t his responsibility unless he would love to offer to help out.
I am not the best with communication and do check when I feel an ick and I need to explain myself to him and talk about emotions. How does one support their boyfriend during this hard time?
Thanks for reading 🙂
2 comments
Can I first fully disclose that I personally believe the love languages are just a thing a former pastor made up to subtly coerce women to exchange touch (sex) for chores and kind words. It’s the lowest bar of relationships and it’s gross.
Having said that: he needs to help himself. You can’t do this. There’s no amount of energy that you could pour into someone who is depressed if they don’t want to help themselves. He’s got a mom or a family … let them help him mentally get well.
For all the whining I see on Reddit about how men aren’t “allowed” to cry is crap: they DONT GO TO THERAPY.
You can only be responsible for you. Put your oxygen mask on first before you go down with him.
And look: there’s so many hundreds of better adjusted men you could swap him for, as sad as that seems/ his good qualities are NOT limited to him alone.
He should go back and re-up his meds.
Good when on meds / not good when not on meds.
This seems like a self-evident solution that he should at least try.