Little preface.. we’re young.. 24 years old. We own our house and have 2 kids.. 3 years old and 1 year old.
When he does anything at all with anybody (friends, parents, co workers, etc) we will agree on a time he will be home. He will come home HOURS later every single time. There will always be some excuse as to why he couldn’t come home. He will just stop answering any texts or phone calls. We do share each other locations, so no he isn’t anywhere suspicious or anything like that. I’m not worried about him cheating when he’s out.
He has done this for YEARS. It has hurt me every single time. It feels super disrespectful. My view is- if you say you’re going to do something, you keep your word. Anytime I go out (which is rare) I always keep in contact if I’m running a few minutes behind but am always home at the agreed time. It makes me angry, frustrated, quite frankly like shit that I’m not good enough for him keep his word to come home. We’ve had numerous big fights about it.
His Dad says I’m dramatic and need to get over it. Because he (the dad) has been late for 30 years and she (the mom) gets over it. I feel like he is incredibly wrong. I explained it as “that’s great for them, but that’s not me. It matters to me that you come home and do what you say you will”.
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Am I wrong? Am I being too sensitive?
35 comments
> am I wrong for being hurt?
You are never wrong for feeling what you feel.
Why are his parents weighing in?
Try looking up on psychology today website for virtual therapy. You may find a provider that takes your coverage.
You need to start holding him accountable for his behavior. He gets away with it. Why would he change?
If he can’t at the very least text you and make sure it’s ok with you that he stay later, then he’s no longer welcome to come home that night. Period.
You’re both very young and a 24 year old man likely has the maturity of an 18 year old woman. But you’ve chosen to settle down and have kids. If he wanted to run around like a young man, party and stay out all night, he should have done that. It’s time for him to pull up his big boy pants and treat you with respect!
I agree that it is disrespectful. If he is running late or wants to stick around longer, it takes seconds to just shoot off a text and let you know. If your words are not being considered and respected, maybe next time you go out, give him a strong dose of his own medicine.
I’m not getting why there are comments putting this all on you. If my husband was hours late once and a while when I was home with the kids, I’d probably get over it. If it happened all the time, I’d be super annoyed.
If you agree on something you both talked about and the other person goes against that multiple times, it’s not ok. That’s when it’s disrespectful. I hate to be petty but I would be so tempted to do the same thing to him so he can see how inconvenient it is. I know this wouldn’t fix it but maybe it would make him see what you’re going through.
The more mature advice would be to go to counseling. Is he respectful in other ways? Or do you tend to get the brunt end of things?
You are not wrong for being hurt. It’s completely disrespectful to you.
So what you need to do is the same to him, leave him with the kids alone for hours and see how he likes it. Especially since you’ve tried talking to him and he doesn’t want to listen or respect you.
If the conversations haven’t changed his pattern of behavior, start to mimic his. EVER SINGLE TIME YOU ARE OUT.
So his pattern of 3 hours late is the norm for everything, you start communicating with him and don’t come back until 3 hours later. Do engage when he calls you out. Just responded calmly “what’s the issue? You are always late.”
You are not wrong for being upset, but he will keep doing it as long as you forgive him. There are no consequences to his behavior other than you getting upset.
He seems immature, and he learned from his father who is enabling him.
Next time he is late, lock him out. He can spend the night with his father.
Do it to him when he has the kids a few times. Four hours late, ringer turned off. I bet he’ll be PISSED. Then you can say “huh? You’ve been telling me for years this is no big deal.”
Yeah I’d be pissed if it happened over and over again – and by hours and hours, not minutes / half hour etc lol. It’s a lack of communication and respect in the situation.
Also if he says he’s on his way – I’d expect that. Because he’s an adult and can say what he means, and mean what he says lol. It feels like lying or just brushing you off. Being 4-5 hours later (was reading your comments) is wild without a small update.
You are not wrong. He is emulating his father. He is being a horrible husband. I would make it clear this is not acceptable.
You aren’t wrong, but what makes you think he is going to change? You have put up with it and he has done as he pleases, so what is going to make the difference?
I had to learn this the hard way in high school… Finally my dad just pulled me aside and said “look, if it’s going to be 2am just *tell* us 2am. Problem solved.”
Oh, so he’s on “guy time.” Where soon can mean anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours.
Yeah, this is complete bullshit. My husband did that for years, then blamed it on me for “blowing up” his phone. Like…we have a child, you have the only car. Maybe if you’d answer the damn thing….
But I digress. The only way I finally got it through his thick skull? I started doing the same thing he was doing. It only took three or four times before he stopped. Put your foot down, and keep it there. This is no way to live.
It’s not okay. He’s not respecting you or sticking to his word. Leave him now while you’re young or at least prepare an exit strategy.
Definitely couples therapy to learn how to communicate and understand. That being said set up a timeline. Say a year for him to get his shit together and respect you or you’re gone.
Ask this question:
If he were 3 hours late to work is that OK?
If he were 3 hours late to meet his friends is that OK?
If he were 3 hours late to Easter dinner at his parents house… is that OK?
Why is it OK to come home 3 hours later that he promised you? Are you the only person it is OK to be 3 hours late with?
Think about it………
You accept what you think you deserve. Set some boundaries.
I’ve had this same conversation with my husband only in reverse, as I am often late getting home. Rather than decide on a definite time, I’ve started saying things like “we’re doing xyz, I should be home right around this time but if I get caught up or would like to stay longer, I’ll let you know”.
It’s all about communication. I love my family/friends and sometimes we’re just having such a great time that I’m not ready to leave. If he isn’t relying on me to be home at a specific time for things like kids/dinner/other plans, I just communicate with him what I’m doing. If he is relying on me to be home by a specific agreed upon time, I make sure I’m there for him when he needs me to be.
I don’t think you’re wrong for being hurt at all as you’re actively not being communicated with.
He can’t control his drinking.
Two card him. One for divorce and one for counseling. He’s being incredibly disrespectful
I’m 37 and when I say I’ll be home at a certain time, I’m within 30 min of that time with contact; that’s how it’s been since my 20s, common decency
You are not wrong to be upset and it is easy to understand why. He even knows that it is unacceptable in every other context to be 3 hours late. E.g he is not showing up to work 3 hours late. He is not showing up to his family 3 hours late.
The expectation that your spouse keep you updated when not on schedule is normal. It is what normal people do. He is also dumping the kids on you to manage alone for even longer period of times.
He is unconcerned and disinterested in how this is effecting you – and he is listening to his disrespectful Dad about it – who is not a good source of marriage advice.
So – I will start out by saying that you have likely adequately communicated this issue. The problem is that he is not interested in hearing it, doesn’t care, and isn’t willing to change. I would also guess that there are many other ways this disregard shows up in your relationship. So, consider your options here. I would suggest couples therapy, if he is willing to go, to at least attempt to improve things before you move on to options such as leaving.
I do not endorse the recommendation of others for you to just treat him the same – that is not a reasonable path forward and is unlikely to result in him being more considerate.
And where is he during the hours between work and home?
Is this guy able to make other decisions without his daddy’s input? I think some boundaries need to to be established between your marriage and your in laws marriage and your husband needs to agree to be a big boy husband all on his own. Otherwise what’s there to respect in him as your husband when he’s married to his dad apparently.
This is not normal unless he has a drinking or drug problem. If that is the case it is easy to lose track of time or toe sit to look straight before returning home. If it is not an addiction then it just shows he would rather be out than home with you and the kids. I would go see a marriage therapist together if you want to stay with him.
Yea , I hate late people . I’d stop complaining and start giving it back to him .let him wait 3 hours no contact and see how he feels!! People who are late are inconsiderate assholes, esp if they don’t let you know about it .
And btw tell your husband he can go live with daddy , cause your not him . So Send that ass clown back home to papa , they can then both be late for each other , cause you don’t have time for that crap.
And if you want , have your sorry excuse of a husband read this . It is poor , rude and inconsiderate to not only be late but to not let you know how late he is!! Being late is just telling everyone else your time is more important than theirs . Being late is holding them hostage !! They aren’t going about their business !! They litterly are waiting for you to show up !!!
So yes you are holding them hostage , not contacting them and then showing up 3 hours late, means they are doing nothing !!!!!!!!!! But waiting for you !!!!!!
I had a friend who was like this , if they were 5 mins late I left his ass. And when I got a phone call an hour later as he finally showed up , do you think that hypocrite waited more than 30 secs to call my ass and ask me where the hell I was at ? Hell no !! I told him I’d be right there and then ghost his ass and never showed back up . Then later I’d tell him , how did it feel ? And then told him you respect me , I’ll respect you . That fixed him right quick .
Respect other peoples time ! And husbands dad is an asshole also . Because Dad thinks that disrespecting his mother is ok , just because she gives up her self respect doesn’t mean you have too. Being late and holding other people hostage waiting for you to show up is being disrespectful. I guarantee if you held him hostage like that he’d be pissed too , such freaking hypocrites. Honestly OP you need to disrespect him in the same manner for your dunce of a husband to understand how you feel. Then start setting a 3 min rule ! If he is late 3 mins past your agreed time , you ghost him and do your own thing .
When my husband was coming home much later than I expected, I laid out this similar scenario at his job:
Your coworker says they’ll be in at 2:00pm to relieve you for lunch. You know they’ll be back at 2:00pm and then you can do whatever it is you want or need to do. Maybe you even made plans. But your coworker doesn’t come back until 5:00pm. And this isn’t the first time. Every single time they say they’ll be there to relieve you at 2:00pm for lunch, you point up the schedule to remind them that you’re off at 2:00pm, and they always come back hours later. Do you just adjust because it’s not that big of a deal?
For whatever reason, I have found that comparing even the minor issues to work scenarios has helped him understand why I’m frustrated.
Why does he even say a time then? He should just say I’ll probably be home late. Don’t wait up. But don’t say your coming home at 8 and come home at 11.
What is he doing that he’s late ?
His dad needs to stop enabling his son being a AH.
If my husband pulled that s__t I’d be waiting at the door when he came home ready to ream him out. I think in the 52 yrs we’ve be married it only happened once or twice. He learned fast. And we didn’t have cell phones the first 40 yrs we were married.
I think you should sit him down and have him read these responses. Also tell his Dad to mind his own business when it comes to your marriage.
Personally I think it’s bizarre that he’s out without you for many hours this often. I’d be upset being home with the kids if my husband said “btw I’m going to hang out with my coworkers for a few hours” just as I was finally anticipating a break, and then ESPECIALLY if he stopped answering the phone and showed up hours past when he said he’d be home.
It’s totally fine as a married couple to do things separately, my husband and I do all the time. But my husband always answers the phone when I call and vice versa. And it’s not common that we’re apart for hours on end, our lives are pretty meshed. AND we don’t have kids. We have one on the way and if he acted like this it would make me seriously reevaluate the entire relationship.
You won’t like what I’m about to say. I hate to say it but I don’t see anyone else saying it I guess it’s an unpopular opinion.
You say you share locations and when you check he’s where he says he is and you aren’t worried about him cheating. Just because his location shows he’s where he says he is doesn’t mean HE is where he says he is.
Since he doesn’t respond to calls or text he could very well meet someone where he tells you he is and leaves his phone in his vehicle and then leaves and rides w someone else to another location. You’d have no idea where he actually is. Therefore cheating is always a possibility. When I first read he was hours late and doesn’t answer calls or texts my mind immediately went to infidelity.
Why else would he refuse to answer you? What excuse does he give when you ask why he doesn’t answer you? What logical reason could he have for going out and says he’ll be home at 10 but then goes radio silent and doesn’t come hime till after 1? Can’t say his phone died because you can still see his location. Does his excuses even make sense? Have you thought even for a min that his excuses sound made up and infidelity may be an issue? Even once? I think you’re so worried about him that any reason he gives you accept because he’s ok.
I’m a retired LEO and one of my jobs was giving death notifications. I absolutely hated that part of the job. In nearly all of them when I talked to them they told me they had been trying to contact them for hours. They checked hospitals, police stations etc trying to find them when in fact they were deceased. I’m sure your mind has wondered every time he does this and think the worst every time. He doesn’t care what he’s doing to you when he goes dark and leaves you wondering for hours.
So if he’s telling the truth, which I don’t think he is, he sees your text and just ignores you. Hears you call him and just turns off the ringer. Why? What’s his reasoning for his actions?
Then he cries to daddy because you’re hurt / angry because he’s hours late to which dad says she needs to get over it I do the same to your mom. Whether they’re cheating or not this is unforgivable behavior. There is definitely something suspicious about his actions that lead me to believe he is cheating. My dad was a serial cheater. No cell phone back then so mom was always alone and eventually he’d come home.
You say you contemplate leaving the more frequent this is an issue on top of other things. Sounds like you’re at your wits end and even more things factor in to you leaving.
It would be hard for me to stay in a relationship where my wife just ghosted me for hours on end every time she went out. Even after 32 years together I’d have a problem if my wife did this to me and I’m sure she wouldn’t tolerate it either.
I’m not sure if you could get away or not when he’s gone and his location says he’s where he says he is but if it were me I’d leave the kids w someone I could trust and then I’d go to his location and verify he’s there. If he’s there then I’d stay out of sight and call him to see his reaction.
If he’s where he says he is and I saw him look at his phone and put it back down I’d be done. If he isn’t where he says he is and his phone is in his vehicle I’d be done.
You’re only 24. You don’t deserve to be treated like this and you have a long life to live and if nothing changes you’ll be like his mother 30 years down the road still being tormented and disrespected wishing you’d have made a different decision right now.
My ex did this and ended up cheating on me. I forgave him and we stayed together but he kept coming home super late whenever he felt like it. Over time, I wouldn’t wait up for him, I lost respect for him since he had none for me. I fell out of love with him, but I was comfortable and stayed for my kids. We didn’t fight, and we had sex maybe twice a year. He was like a roommate.
Soon, he was angry about the sex and started being rude to me in front of family and friends. Since I didn’t love him anymore, it was easy to insult him back. Soon after, my 16 year old daughter had an argument with him when I was at work and told me that she was moving in with her grandma, my mom, because she hated living with him. He was pretty mean by this point.
That’s what it took for me to tell him I wanted a divorce. I stayed to keep my family together, but it was fractured beyond repair. When he finally moved out, I didn’t even notice he had moved out for a couple of days and we slept in the same bed. It was king sized and we slept on opposite sides. I would fall asleep before he got home and sometimes left before me in the morning. I never cried. I did all my crying when I still loved him.
I hope this doesn’t happen to you. Once he cheated, I just didn’t feel the same. The betrayal broke us. He started just like your husband, so be careful. I hope you can make him see how disrespected you feel.