My bf of 9 months wants to celebrate his birthday camping at a popular national park. We started planning a little over a month ago and all the campsites were booked. However, a few days ago I got an alert on my phone and was able to book us a large group site that fits 50 people. I’ve been looking forward to this trip, but unfortunately, my bf and I have been fighting for the last two days about it with no resolution.
I’ve been asking him for weeks to start a group chat with his friends but he kept putting it off. I lost patience a couple of days ago and asked him why he refused to start a group chat. He started making a lot of complaints about how group chats don’t work and he doesn’t want to “micromanage” his friends or create “work” by trying to organize and coordinate everyone. He says we have a date and a location and that’s all we need.
I’m honestly mind-blown that he is planning his trip like this. When I make suggestions or ask questions he tells me I’m stressing him out and to leave it alone. Clearly, we have different ideas of how this trip is supposed to go. I thought we were planning a party. I booked the campsite, created an invitation, and placed a cake order. Now I’m trying to coordinate with my friends and his so we can have a potluck birthday celebration one of the nights we’re out camping, but he won’t even do something as simple as create a group chat so I can facilitate this.
I understand it’s his party and he can do what he wants to, but we’re talking about more than 30 people camping in a fairly remote area and his attitude is “we’re all self-reliant adults, everyone can do what they want” *shrug*. This is very strange to me. I like planning parties and was really excited to celebrate and meet his friends and plan a party for him but he says I’m just stressing him out. I feel stupid for making him a birthday invite because apparently I’m overdoing it. I really wanted to plan this and now I’m very upset and trying not to be spiteful. I’m thinking I’ll just cancel the cake and let him handle everything.
The point is, we’ve been fighting about this when it should just be a good time. I’m genuinely very upset about this. Last night when we talked told him, “Clearly we’re not understanding each other. Let’s talk once you get back from your trip.” (He’s going out of town for a few days). Idk what to do next and I can’t tell which one of us is being unreasonable. How do I communicate to him it is important for me to do this? Or should I just apologize for being so stubborn and just let it go?
43 comments
>I understand it’s his party and he can do what he wants to,
clearly you dont understand this.
Pull back. He obviously prefers the laid back, whomever will show will show approach- same thing with events- he sounds like he wants things loose and organic and not planned or scheduled in advance…let go of the reigns. His party, his plans. Focus on the cake and that is it- when it is your birthday- plan the event you want the way you want it.
Why are you desires for his birthday so much more important than his?
I’m a lot like you so I sympathize.
But.
One branch of my family is like your bf. And when doing stuff with them I have learned to drop the rope and let go. Yes, a few times people have looked at me and asked why I didn’t do X or didn’t mention Y and I shrug and say “I tried and you told me to stop so I respected your wishes.” If it means there’s not enough food or drinks or someone doesn’t pack the right hiking boots let it go. But by all means: take care of yourself. Make sure you have everything you need in order to enjoy and be comfortable. If your bf protests remind him that his friends are self sufficient adults and surely have managed themselves.
Let him do it his way. If he’s not happy he only has himself to blame.
Your boyfriend is exactly like me. He just wants a chilled camping trip. And that is all that everyone needs, the date and location and then they can handle the rest themselves. Micromanaging everyone will just get on everyone’s nerves. People can sort their food out, prep when and what they want in their smaller groups etc. Chill out.
Take a step back.
You’re like the mom seeing her kid run for class historian and the kid isn’t even hanging up posters or preparing a speech. Don’t end up doing the classproject for your kid!
L.H.F.U.A.O.H.O.
Let him fudge up all on his own.
As someone who camped with a group last weekend, I say back off and chill. The organizer gave us dates and location. Guest were limited by number of parking spaces so she let us know when there was no room for more people. That’s it. People showed up when they could and left when they wanted or needed to. One night we had a spontaneous potluck but other meals were on our own. It was fun.
Tell him you are sorry, you give up and he can plan his party himself, you will take no part in it.
Girl omg this is so embarrassing. Creating arguments about birthday parties. If no one shows up, oh well. Reread your post and how many “I” statements there are. You sound like someone that makes everything about you.
He should have his bday how he wants. Tell him your backing off and will be happy with what he wants.
When you get a chance to talk, ask him what he wants you to do for the party. That might mean some planning (such as just the cake) or it might mean planning for just yourself for the camping trip, or it might mean asking you to pack for the two of you so he doesn’t have to worry about it. But let him take the lead of what he wants you to do for the party. It’s his birthday, not yours and you haven’t even given him a chance to show you what kind of birthday celebrations he likes before trying to change him. If I were you, I’d apologize for being stubborn and ask how you could help (and only do what he asks!).
It sounds like you’re frustrated that he isn’t receiving love in the same way you show it.
My love language is acts of service, while my partner’s love language is words of affirmation. If I had my way, I would be doing everything for him on special events like his birthday. Because that’s the way I show love and the way I receive love. However, he would much rather receive a beautiful letter telling him all the things I love about him than me doing all of that.
It can be frustrating and hurtful to have your acts of love be seen as an annoyance rather than something they appreciate. But put your hurt aside for a moment and try to really examine the ways your boyfriend truly receives love. Think of the things that you’ve done or said that he has really really liked. And maybe try to do something with that for his birthday, either at the campsite or before/after the trip. Because after all, your whole goal here is to make him feel loved!
I agree with other posters that at this point, it’s his party and if no one shows up that’s on him. No need to argue over this.
Just stop. Stop. It’s his party – let him make it happen the way he wants to make it happen.
It’s nice of you to want to facilitate things, but at this point you are doing more of this for you (and how you think these things should be done, and coordinated, and whatever) and not hearing him say No.
*How do I communicate to him it is important for me to do this?* It’s not about you, what you are doing is not what he wants.
If it is important to YOU to plan something that YOU plan and it’s a YOU thing, then plan something for just the two of you after the trip or whenever. Ge your Plan On for that.
Let it go. It’ll play out however it’s going to play out.
I’m guessing he prefers camping for his birthdays because it’s laid back, no work, no effort. And you’re there trying to make it a big celebration.. he’s probably wanting a few friends, a few beers around the camp fire, while you’re going for invites, cakes and banquets… you need to back off and let his birthday go his way (at least ask him how he pictures his day)
Let it gooooo. It’s his bday. Stop treating it like it’s yours. If it’s a flop, O well💁🏻♀️
It’s supposed to be his birthday and fun for *him*. You are actively making it not fun for him, and all about what *you* want.
Please, you’ve sorted the venue and the cake, the guests know where to go. That is more than enough to meet his needs. Let him live. This isn’t the hill to die on.
My ex was like your bf and I am more like you. I like to organize and plan trips as I find it more enjoyable and less stress inducing, but he liked to just go with the flow. He thought I was controlling when I had reservations done and bought a lot of supplies, but when he did a trip, he would try to do things the day of and it didn’t work out. He was laid back so he didn’t care. I think you should just take a step back and let him do what he wants. You can still bring a cake and stuff but you don’t need to pre-plan things. You will have things to suggest when you’re there and if they don’t pan out, it’s ok. I think he just wants to be with his friends and relax.
It sounds like you are planning a big birthday party while he just wants to camp with his friends on his birthday. If I were you, I would send him the basic info and tell him sharing it with his friends is up to him. Surely he’s going to send them the date and location. “I booked a site at Camping Place for Date. When your friends arrive they can check in at the ranger’s station under Group Name. Here’s a link to the campground with info about how many tents and cars we’re allowed to have on site. There’s a fire pit and a grill.” Then, just back off. Get the cake and some candles. Pack whatever you think the two of you will need. Let the rest unfold. Maybe his friends will have questions for him. Maybe someone else will offer to bring drinks or will try to plan a group meal. If not, oh well.
You can try to have one more conversation with him about how the weekend will go. Just leave out trying to coordinate with the friends. Surely he’s willing to tell you what he’d like to eat for meals or snacks? There are some basic things you need to plan even if it’s just the two of you. I wouldn’t go beyond that though.
It’s his birthday/party. Let him do it how he wants.
So you have to let go.
Listen, first I am a planner, and second, even if I wasn’t, having nothing but a date and location for 50ish people is ridiculous. It’s gonna be a mess, but it will be his mess, so let it go!
Tell him point blank- okay, I’ve got a date, a location, and a cake, if you don’t want to do a group chat or facilitate anything beyond that, then you are right this is your birthday and you should do it how you want. If you want me to take over planning or plan anything at all, I need you to hear me very clearly – you need to tell me. I cannot plan with your friends if I don’t have their info, I can’t find out who has what or what the plan is without a group chat. But I hear you loud and clear, you don’t think we need a plan and you don’t want me to stress out you our your friends. Message received, I will step back, and you will now affirm with me that if you want ANYTHING on this trip to be planned, you will tell me and make sure I have the stuff needed to plan (aka the list of who is coming and how to get in touch with them).
Then make him sign a blood oath that he has received this information, and get your disaster pack together. Plan food for just you and your friends, make sure you pack lots of popcorn to sit back and let it be a shitshow. Bring the cake, it shows you tried.
Maybe his friends are all resourceful and everyone will show up with what is needed and you will all have a great time. Maybe everyone will show up empty handed and you can look at your boyfriend and say “okay, what do you want to do.” The reality is it will be somewhere in the middle- lots of sitting around, a few emergency trips to the store, but most people will have what they need- and if your partner is fine with that, then you also need to be fine with it.
Godspeed.
Just have everyone bring their own food and booze and you only worry about cake.
Look I think it’s crazy to do a trip with 30-50 people with zero planning. No one is going to coordinate meals? Just dozens of people cooking their own? Does everyone really need to bring their full camping accoutrements? There’s nothing you don’t need 30+ duplicates of? It all just seems like chaos and a crowded campsite with all the duplicates, but it’s not your party. So live and let go and cover your ass. And maybe bring popcorn you can pop over a fire…
>How do I communicate to him it is important for me to do this?
Its HIS birthday. Why is it so important to you to plan it for him? Let it go, and if it burns, it burns. Its his day, not yours.
I don’t mean to be a dick but I kind of see where your boyfriend is coming from you sound alot like my ocd godmother always having to plan things but like to the extreme he’s trying to tell you he wants something simple and he doesn’t want to make this a job he just wants to have fun and your nagging him about his birthday of all days! Just stop trying so hard and take a laid back approach he’s probably already stressed our about alot of things ask him how he wants to handle things and stop stressing yourself out
I understand where you are coming from. I feel the need to plan and organise every part of my life, including when other people are involved, because the organisation helps to feel in control of my environment. For me it’s an anxiety thing because I catastrophise every situation. Slowly learning to let go of control and go with flow of other people’s wishes is difficult but necessary as I don’t want to be a control freak. Maybe ask yourself why you feel the need it to be done your way?
>Idk what to do next and I can’t tell which one of us is being unreasonable
You are, because:
>he says I’m just stressing him out.
Why would you insist upon stressing him out? And regarding his birthday, of all things?
???
Drop the rope.
He doesn’t want this level of planning. Plan for yourself and yourself only. Don’t pack for him. Don’t remind him. Don’t pester him. Don’t shop for him for the trip. Don’t do *anything* other than buy him a gift and a card, and take the cake.
If he wants more organization, let him do it.
He’s an adult. Let him experience the chaos that will ensue. Be ready to protect yourself from it. Don’t bring any thing extra for any other adult that might not remember to bring something.
And consider if this is the right type of partner for you.
When I was married I always skipped my birthday because she always made it too complicated trying to have fun when I’m more of a go with the flow type of guy. I don’t make plans and whoever shows up shows up.
My husband hates his birthday. Doesn’t want it acknowledged AT ALL. This runs counter to my entire being. I itch. But I once heard someone say “Help in the way that you were asked to”. So this year I’m doing nothing. No gift. No card. I will bite my actual tongue if I have to if it keeps me from saying “happy birthday”.
Let it go. Take care of your accommodation & let the rest go. You’re not being asked to host. In fact, you’re vehemently being asked not to.
It could be that he’s laid back & ur detail oriented. Or it could be he feels like you’re trying to force something this event doesn’t represent for him.
Either way, quit mothering men. It NEVER works out for *your* best interests
I really hate going on group trips where someone is trying to organise everything. I remember one girls trip where this one person decided we needed to plan the meals (despite staying in a beach town with a supermarket and cafes and everything) and made a spreadsheet and assigned meals and suggested menus to people. I ended up with a full cooked breakfast shift, which was dumb bc I don’t even eat breakfast usually so I would be cooking all morning like a maid for a meal I wouldn’t even meet. Sure I was able to talk to her and change it to a dinner but why should I have to go through a bunch of awkward negotiations and feel like I’m affecting everyone else? Same with the group chats, there’s always a few super keen people who dominate the plans and things become established for the group according to their desires.
I’m with your bf, people in their 30s can definitely manage themselves, as a guest I’d personally far prefer to just be given the time and place and then to be able to camp however I like camping. Trying to get people to commit into a pot luck sounds painful.
He’s 33, if this is how he wants to do it, then let him.
Some people don’t need to organise stuff that much. When I go camping with my friends, it’s basically a text confirming location and “you bring food, I’ll bring beer” and that’s about it.
Stop. Stop planning the party YOU want and let him have the party HE wants. They all got the invite, right? So you two plan to go and everyone else will follow, or not. That’s what he wants for his birthday, not whatever extravaganza you have in mind.
If “it should just be a good time” then let it go, it’s his party not yours. If he is this low maintenance then why complicate things?
Sis, you sound exhausting. You gotta ease up.
You’re showing love by wanting to plan this for him and I think that’s lovely – but he’s been clear it’s not what he wants.
In your shoes, I would plan a few elements with my own friends (such as a little potluck between us), and leave the rest for him and his friends.
The important thing is to be clear – if anyone asks “why didn’t you -“ the answer is immediately “I wanted to, but (boyfriend) said no”. Say it cheerfully, but say it clearly. You don’t need to take the fall if there’s no food or toilet paper, it’s not your responsibility if the party is disorganized and becomes stressful for him.
Resist the urge to say “I told you so,” but also resist the urge to step in and fix things at the last minute. Go and enjoy yourself as a guest and not a host – your bf has let you off the hook, so to speak, so respect that boundary and let the weekend unfold as it will. You might just find that by the end of it he says “oh man, I wish we’d done it your way”.
You are the girl I used to date a couple of years ago. Reading this is giving me anxiety.
There is a special sort of fun that comes from not planning your every move. Don’t ruin that for your bf on his birthday. You can plan bathroom breaks when it’s your turn.
I’m confused. Did he want to go camping with just you, or did he want to go camping with 30 other people?
If the extra people were your idea, you need to find out how he feels about it. He may not be immature, he may just be angry and resentful.
If he is ok with a party, and he said for you to take your hands off of it, then stop bugging him about it. Communicate with your friends and leave him and his friends totally out of it.
Your heart is in the right place and you sound thoughtful, which the world could use more people like you. But make sure you and he are on the same page.
its his birthday. stop trying to control the situation, let him organise it how he wants
does it effect you at the end of the day?
Just let him do his thing. Don’t stress over it. Do not plan anything else that has to do with the trip. If it winds up a disaster, that’s on him. Not you. You need to let him fail. Men like him don’t listen. So they have to figure it out by themselves
Just stop, quit putting yourself in the martyr spot. Quit planning something he doesn’t care about, get a cake grab takeout say happy birthday then leave it
He’s 33yo. Sounds like an experienced camper. Why can’t a grown man tell you what he does,and does not want? Why cancel his cake? Because his birthday is NOT.ABOUT.YOU.