Generally I feel like she’s a net negative in organization, moderation of stuff and cleaning up after herself. I’m constantly picking up after her, putting her glasses and dishes in the dish washer, asking her to pick up her clothes, etc. No matter who cooks, I clean. When the dish washer is dirty, she throws stuff in the sink next to it. Everything is always a mess preventing me from actually cleaning. Her bathroom is gross, I don’t go in there. No matter how much I complain, yell, threaten, beg, she doesn’t care. She’s not stupid, or depressed or incapable- she just says “oh, I forgot” – which she learned from her mother the hoarder. She’s a great person and a good wife, except for this and I hate it. Help.
I make 4x what she does but work from home, so
I do alot of cleaning, etc. in my down time. I take care of the dog, cars, long term finances and house 100%. She does the monthly finances with my high level oversight, cooks alot and orders food, which I really appreciate. She always over-orders though because she “forgets” what we have – we waste so much food. I want to have kids, but scared she won’t help me.
8 comments
I bought my wife an 800 dollar dishwasher and she refuses to use it, she still uses the sink to wash and just places the dishes in the dishwasher wet…so aggravating I know exactly how you feel and she’s messy in the oven. Her bathroom is a disaster geez dude I think we have twins. Can’t give you any advice as I have also gotten mad at my wife and threatened her and still no change….she grew up in asia with maids, so she sometimes feels like shes a maid here but I do help her a lot.
Is she a stay at home wife? If she has a reddit send her to me, I would be happy to help her. I am working on making programs for inner and outer work. I am a full time stay at home so I am available whenever she is!
It’s only going to get worse. When you want to know who you be living with/sleeping with in 20 years, look at your partners same sex parent. The nut rarely falls far from the tree. Decide now if you can live with that and if so make peace with her as she is. She isn’t going to change.
If you can’t live with it then it’s time to move on.
Maybe try doing a chore chart? Or asking for help in cleaning while you do the cleaning? Like, instead of having a sit down conversation about it, just say, hey, im gonna work on this, can you take this?
That’s why it’s important to marry an adult. Adult = responsibility, self-control, discipline.
My husband is the over the top clean person, and I’m the hurricane of chaos. Compromises we’ve made, I have designated “clutter areas” where he will overlook those areas, and I agree to tidy them up once a week. We found organizational methods that were low effort for me, and he prioritized the things that I did that bothered him the most, and we focused on how to fix those things, instead of nitpicking every thing I did.
Over time, once those few things became habit, then we were able to add more things to the list. But it started out really simple, keep all the cabinets shut and keep my stuff in the designated clutter areas. A tangible list of things for me to do, not a vague “clean up after yourself” because my definition of clean is a lot different than his
It was better because he never seemed happy with anything I did, until we had very clear expectations of what he wanted me to do.
I had a problem keeping my clothes put away, we found cubbies that go in the closet, where I could fold my clothes, put them away still see them, but also hide them easily. For whatever reason those worked so much better for me than hanging up clothes.
It was also easier for me to consistently keep the house organized and my areas clean after I started taking antidepressants.
Is there a chance she has ADHD? Because this sounds like me before I was diagnosed with severe inattentive ADHD. I still need super detailed instructions for what is meant when my husband asks me to “clean x”.
Your comment about “bad at spatial relationships” and forgetfulness is a red flag for ADHD.
I completely understand. My wife is a complete slob too and I can’t stand it. After I became physically unable to clean much due to severe pain our house started looking like a hoarders house. She won’t throw trash in trash can and leaves dishes and fast food wrappers everywhere. I should of seen the original red flags too. My wife “forgets” a lot of things too and won’t do anything to help herself remember and forgets the same things over and over again it’s become redundant and completely frustrating. This behavior keeps getting worse and worse.
I am not attracted to her anymore and have not been for awhile . We have a sexless intimate less relationship for 6 plus years now. I have lost all connection and bond to her. I am no longer “in love” with her either and trying to leave as soon as able.
She thinks this is a happy marriage and being just roommates is ok. I don’t at all. Good luck