**TL;DR:** My partner’s traditional, close-knit family has been emotionally manipulating us about moving away from his hometown. How do we politely explain to stop making digs and help them accept our move?
Around two months ago, my partner of 8+ years and I moved from a smaller (yet sizeable) city to a much larger and more well-known city a 5-hour drive away. It had been something we planned on doing for many years. We \*love\* the city we moved to and had a feeling we’d feel very fulfilled living here (and we do!)—and with both of us working remotely, it seemed like a good time to make the leap. In our relationship, we value expanding our horizons and trying new things. This was a huge part of that.
My family is spread all over, and many of us have lived abroad and in many cities here in the US. They were very accepting and supportive and understood our reasoning behind it. My partner’s family handled it much differently. Their family structure is pretty traditional. With the exception of a couple of folks, the entire extended family of 40+ people was born and raised in the same city and has never left. There’s a lot of pride in the family of living in the same community and going to the same schools that your kids/grandkids/etc. grew up in. Honestly, the sense of family *is* rare and special.
Up until our move, his family members avoided talking about it except for a few disparaging comments (Dad: “So what am I supposed to do when I retire?” Mom: “But X city is too expensive!” Grandma: “I had a terrible time when I visited in the 1960s and the taxi driver was rude.” BIL: “That city is horrible and dangerous—you’ll never catch me up there.”). Similarly, my partner’s parents have an incredibly toxic relationship and depend on their kids to meet their emotional needs. I think their son moving really shocked them given that nobody else in the family has really done so and they can’t use him as an emotional outlet.
Our goodbye dinner before we left was also awful; everyone except for my partner and I were in a terrible mood, and his grandmother had a breakdown at the end of it. She grilled him about why he wasn’t able to secure a better-paying job even if he was moving to a bigger city, said all of her grandchildren are leaving her (with the exception of my partner, all of them live in that area), and said he has an obligation to the family to visit often. Even when we’ve visited, she’s tried to convince him that the job market here is terrible and has made a clear and concerted effort to let us know how unhappy she is that we’ve left.
With all of this, how do we even mend that gap? I fear it’s going to become even more toxic whenever we visit. And how can we politely explain that we don’t need these disparaging comments all the time? Although we like his hometown, it’s not for us at this point in time, and we want to live our lives without regrets.
8 comments
Your partner needs to tell them “We understand that you don’t like the fact we moved, but we are very happy with our decision, and we’re not going to change it. We still love you very much, and we want to be able to call and visit as much as possible. However, if you spend those calls and visits complaining about our move or trying to talk us into moving back, we won’t be able to do it very often, if at all.”
You don’t mend the gap. When others are upset or pull away, it’s easy to try to lean in and give more.
I’d recommend consulting your partner about what you’re comfortable with putting up with and then only do that. Spending more time around it (since you’re not moving back any time soon) will make you resent them. My best tactic dealing with family is to only deal with them as much as I feel I can remain a positive presence. And I don’t let them make me feel bad about it, either. Discuss these boundaries. Maybe your partner could talk to his parents privately as well, and let them air their grievances. Maybe they have fears about what aging will look like, or having grandkids 5 hours away would be like. Perhaps you can address them.
I wouldn’t worry too much about their feelings. You and your partner are in charge of your own lives. Attend the family gatherings, smile, don’t argue with your extended family members and go home. The complaints will die down soon enough (or not but it’s not your problem).
I’m sure you’ve realized that they are experiencing this as a rejection. You’re saying that this place isn’t right for you, but they hear that this place isn’t right. And it’s true that you’ve put a lot of distance between you and them. That probably feels like a rejection too. And it is in some way a rejection, because their home and the closeness of their family is a core part of their identity that you are separating yourself from. So go easy on them.
Reassure them that you’re not judging or rejecting them, their community, or their family. When they bring up comments about how your new home is terrible, just say “it’s
great for us, but we’ll sure miss the Dairy Barn/Lobster Races/Lentil Festival and Holiday Light Spectacular (or whatever small town thing that makes it unique),” Try to be willing to go the distance to visit without resentment even if it’s a long drive for you, because it shows them that you still want to be a part of the clan even when you are far. And take some steps to stay more connected: make it a point to call Grandma once a week, text pictures to his parents, send out email updates to the whole family or whatever it is that you can do to bridge the distance. If they see you’re trying to reach out, they’ll see that it’s not a rejection of them, just something you wanted to do.
Tl;Dr ignore the digs, show them you care.
>With all of this, how do we even mend that gap? I fear it’s going to become even more toxic whenever we visit. And how can we politely explain that we don’t need these disparaging comments all the time?
This is the peril of having two different ways to derive a sense of identity. You and your partner have a more strongly inner-directed identity and “we value expanding our horizons and trying new things” is part of it. For your partner’s relatives, a huge part of their identity is the sense of *continuity* that comes from being in the same place, among the same people, with the same role among those people, all your life.
Your best bet is to grieve the gulf and do your best to keep lines of communication open — without ever justifying or explaining or defending your own choices. That also goes for how you choose to handle the toxic little comments. Starve ’em — don’t acknowledge them or respond to them. Redirect. And if these people persist, pull the “I won’t keep you on the phone then. It was lovely to talk, take care.” Or at the family dinner: “Oh look, the creamed quinoa! I was wondering if I’d see this recipe again.”
It’s a rejection of their family values which are to live close by and all depend on each other. You are free to move and they are free not to like it, you can’t really mend the gap imo only ask them to stop complaining/pressuring you because its ruining the visits. Family depending on each other emotionally is not “automaticlly toxic’ are you 100% sure you are not projecting just because your family are not close. Was your partner unhappy with the family dynamic or YOU?
Did your partner ‘agree’ to the move or are they the driver of the move? If they went along with it mostly for you then there is a risk deep down they share the same values will regret/resent the move longer term.
If they are driving the move then you need to support their need to ‘get away’ by going low contact if necessary.
We are’stay local’ close type family and whilst we 100% respect the choice of those in the family who don’t buy into it an ‘inlaw’ who pulls a previously ‘close’ family member away might not be popular in all honesty.
It sounds like this is the first time the family has ever gone through family member moving away and they have no idea how to cope with it. i can see it going one of two ways:
A) they’ll keep throwing their tantrum for a while (maybe another few months, maybe longer), and then they’ll suddenly realise that their tantrums and sulking and emotional manipulation has made *no* change and you guys are still living happily in your new city. At that point, they’ll begrudgingly accept the new status quo and will get used to it.
B) they’ll see your choice to move away as nothing short of a betrayal of everything the family stands for, and will punish you guys over it forever after.
The response may not be universal either: BIL may go with Begrudgingly Accept, Mom may go with Eternal Bitterness. But you need to be ready for either option.
What do you do to mend the gap? I guess the answer would be start figuring out which side of the fence each family member falls on: maybe your in-laws are behaving the way they are simply because they have no idea how to manage a relationship from a distance. At which point, get them used to the routine of regular video calls, semi-regular weekend visits, and consistent holiday patterns (ie, staying over the week between Christmas and NYE, or whatever works for you guys).
On the other hand, if your in-laws see the distance as a crime that *you* have committed against them, there isn’t much you can do aside from calmly and patiently refuting that view and drawing boundaries. For example:
Son: Hi Mom, how are you going?
Mom: As if you care, you ABANDONED me!
Son: Mom, I didn’t abandon you, I just moved away. Right now, I want to talk to you about your week. How was your church social?
Mom: It was fine, your sister was there because SHE knows the meaning of FAMILY.
Son: Okay Mom, it’s clear you’re in a mood. I was really looking forward to talking to you, but I’m not going to sit here and take this emotional blackmail. Have a good week, I’ll try you again next Wednesday.
Your in-laws will learn that if they don’t respect your boundaries and simply accept that you both have lives of your own, they will have *no* relationship with you. And if they’d rather grind that axe of “woe is me, abandoned by my child,” conveniently ignoring all the efforts you’ve both made to stay in touch from a distance… then you have to accept that this is the hill they’ve chosen to die on and there’s nothing you can do because they only want a relationship with you if it means you submit to their will.
Best wishes for you both. It sounds like moving to the city was the right choice for you both, so embrace it!
Your partner should stand up for the both of you. If I were him, I’d say something along the lines of “we have been supportive of you and we’re asking you to do the same for us. This is what we wanted and we’re very happy, we’d appreciate if you could be happy for us and respect our choice.” It sounds like his family doesn’t have much zest for life, all they really know is each other. It’s tough. Just continue to be positive. My life coach always reminds me that we can’t change people or force them to change their minds, we can simply govern ourselves and hope we inspire others with our own joy and happiness.
Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t beat your partner up either, it sounds like he’s very well adjusted for having grown up in an emotionally immature family. Best of luck to both of you