EDIT: not sure how Reddit works and if you guys will see this. Firstly, thank you for all your help I think I definitely understand a little more about this. A little update. She did text back saying that I hurt her a lot when rejected being friends. We talked for a bit and I made it clear that I understand why she’s not trying to get in a relationship right now and hurting her was not my intention. We did go out yesterday and everything was fun. I told her I’m going to Cuba and she started teaching me how to pick up girls in Spanish cuz she’s a Latina lol not sure if it’s to get my response on it or we’re just friends from now on but I’m not taking it to heart anymore. Only thing that bothers me is she is still letting me pay for everything even tho now we’re just friends so I’ll probably just bring it up to her one of the other times cuz if I have to wait for her for 6 months and she still tells me no then that’s a lot of money spent on nothing. Also I wanted to see her reaction and brought up a past date I had and the response was very subtle and we changed conversation pretty fast. Not sure if it’s a good sign or not but whatever. I am learning more things about her and her family. She started telling me more about her aunt and telling me that if I meet her I’ll love her whatever that meant lol
I (M23) met this girl (F21) on tinder and went on 3 dates, everything was going great and we really clicked, understood each others’ humour etc. On the third date we had a heart to heart conversation about our past and she started talking about how she was always in the relationship for the past 3 years and the last relationship was a messy break up which happened 3 months ago. After telling me all this she said she thinks she needs time for herself to heal fully and experience stuff on her own. She said she wouldnt want to put me through that and she wants to be honest with me that she is not ready for a relationship and be vulnerable which I respect a lot right now considering my past situations just led me on and played with my feelings. After that she asked me If I would want to be friends. My automatic response was no and gave her the explanation that If i see a future with a girl then I want to put my 100% effort and if it will only lead to being friends forever then I wouldnt want to do that. She got upset and told me when I dropped her off “you f**ked up by not wanting to be friends with me” to which I just said “what” she didnt reply and left. 10 minutes later driving home I realized that I want to wait for her and keep hanging out even if it just meant to be as friends, I sent her that message but she just read it and then tried calling her but got no response. Finally, I just asked her to hangout tonight and she said ‘no thank you’ and then I sent her a paragraph apologizing that i shouldnt have said what i said and i dont want her just for her body and want to keep hanging out with just as friends and learn more about her. She read all the messages while I was typing them but its been over 2 hours and she still didnt respond. Did I initally mess up that bad that she wouldnt even want to respond to me anymore? what should I do next? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. I tried my best not to move too fast but saying “lets be friends” brought a lot of PTSD from my past and I rejected it even without thinking which I regret now.
5 comments
Sounds like you dodged a bullet mate. I would stay well clear….”you fucked up”…she playing mind games already
Nope. You fucked up. Shouldn’t have texted her. Friends first rarely works out for the person who starts off wanting more. Reaching out and offering that looks like desperation, especially with that explanation.
Anybody who can’t understand how having romantic feelings for someone is beyond just wanting to have sex with them is too immature to pursue anyway.
Lesson learned. If someone says, ‘let’s start as friends’ it’s usually a kiss of death for anything more if it starts off as a potentially romantic situation. If it starts of organically as ‘friends first’ it has a much higher likelihood to turn in to something IF romantic feelings ever develop. You can’t really be a true friend to people who you have romantic feelings for and starting off that way is what we like to call, ‘the friendzone.’
So, walk away. Whatever you said to her last is the last thing you’ll say to her unless she reaches out. If she does, make a date. Don’t fuck around with endless chit chat. She knows what you want and if she’s reaching out she likely wants the same. So make it clear you can’t be a friend. Never have to tell her again, just set up a date and make it understood it’s a date (just flirt, no need to discuss it specifically). If she’s not flirting and playing with you, then you’re out. If so, you have a chance. Reciprocate with her flirting and escalate to a kiss. If denied in the flirting in any way, you’re out.
She’s not going to respond again. Time to move on.
Choosing not to be friends is completely fair on your part. I get that it may have been disappointing to her, but her behavior in response was out of line. I agree with others that you’re probably better off without her in your life.
You did good. It’s okay for people not to feel the same way you see them as but it’s also okay to cut them off. You did do good until you messaged her, called her etc. you f up there. You should always go with what your gut tells you at that moment. Don’t bother texting this girl as she clearly isn’t “dateable” at the moment. Unless you wanna get dragged down mentally.