Tldr: The relationship between me(19F) and my bf(20M) of 6 months has always been shaky and unstable and I don’t know what to do anymore. We go back on forth from me being overly critical to him not doing the bare minimum. We both want to continue the relationship, but i don’t know how to help it.
Sorry this turned out too long.
So, in the beginning of our relationship my bf was really unthoughtful and downright bad to me. He never wanted to spend time with me, prioritising his friends over me, he ignored my texts for days on end, was late to everything.
At first, I was very non confrontational. I thought I didn’t deserve better, and let him mop me around.
One example: one day I asked him if I could see him cause I had a really bad day, a relative passed away and I was feeling very under the weather. He, at first, said “is it that urgent, cause if it’s not I’d rather not come” (mind you he is a 10 min drive away). I said I really needed support, and at the end he did come. However, he kept telling me how inconvenient it was for him, that I made him come, and he abruptly left 20 min later saying something urgent happened. Later, he sent me a photo showing that he went to a club with his friends.
He also has a history of playing mind games on my, “power play” – doing the bare minimum (like taking me on a date) and then making me feel like I have to bend down and be so so grateful.
At some point I was done, so i started voicing out what was bothering me. I thought maybe if I make it clear what I really want from him, he’ll do better.
Well he didn’t.
I begged him to text me. He said he would and then he didn’t for days on end.
I begged him to hang out, he said we would, he would go out with me 2-3 times and then he would stop again..
He told me how high his sex drive was with his ex. Then he shut me down every time i made advances on him.
At some point felt like I was overreacting, he was gaslighting me into thinking that’s what a relay relationship is supposed to be like. He said “sometimes when you ask me for something, I promise I’ll do it just so you can shut up”
I was done. I stopped reaching out so much, waiting for him to come back to me if he wanted to.
Then, one day he invited me over and we drank some.
He proceeded to breakdown and tell me how he did all that because his ex had abused him, and he was scared of being hurt again. He was depressed because he couldn’t let go of the past. He vowed to do better.
I said I would keep him if he changed. I have been friends with him for 3 years prior to dating him. I know he is not an inherently bad guy(I fell for him before he got with his ex, and he was a different person back then.). He is otherwise smart, ambitious, a very good friend and never blows up or gets angry at me.
And now comes my problem:
For the last month (after that talk), I’ve been (sometimes unintentionally) so critical of him.
He has changed a lot and he is a completely different person now. He shows affection, he showers me with love, spends time with me and does good things for me.
But it seems like it’s never enough for me.
Even at the slightest mistake (being late, or leaving me on read), I seem to get irrationally angry and blow up on him. He then starts being apologetic, which infuriates me even more at the moment and I go into panic mode, dramatising over the problem at hand.
When I calm down I always regret blowing the problem out of proportion and apologise but I feel like I shouldn’t constantly argue with him.
He says that it’s okay, and my arguments are valid, but I feel like such a drama. I just want him to do these normal things out of love, and not because I ask/beg for them.
I’m not acting like myself (and that’s only around him) . I was never like that in past relationships
I just don’t know how to control myself, my anger outbursts. When I notice something little bothering me, I just want to learn to shut up. I don’t want him to be walking on eggshells around me. I really trust him that he wants to change.
Now when everything goes well, and I really see he’s made an effort, I subconsciously always find something to nitpick about. It seems like I’m never content and nothings ever good enough for me.
Reddit, is my relationship toxic and what do I do to fix it?
5 comments
I’m so sorry, but you two probably need to break up. He learned his lesson, but he learned it too late. You have already been hurt and traumatized by him. Now he is acting as a trauma trigger to you. Every tiny little thing that you’d normally be okay with is setting you off, because it is reactivating your unhealed trauma from when he treated you badly. You may have forgiven him, but you haven’t healed. And now you are both getting hurt. Break up, get therapy to heal from him. He broke the relationship, and sometimes broken things cannot be fixed. Sometimes they are just too broken. If you get a bunch of therapy and you are both single and want to try again later, you can do so. But right now, you’re too hurt to be with him, and that’s not your fault, but it’s hurting both of you.
It’s not normal for someone to make you feel like you have to beg for their attention and affection. You deserve better.
Sure, he is making an effort now. But for how long? You should have dumped him at the beginning. Anyone who plays mind games at the start is not good relationship material.
I think what happened is you begged him to give you the bare minimum so many times and then when he started it just was too late. I was in a similar situation in my relationship that just ended but I realized even if he fixed all the things it just wasn’t enough, it didn’t erase the pain and anxiety and worry etc he caused me in the past. I just couldn’t let all that other stuff go and I was the same getting so irritated by every single thing, so I decided to end it. It’s a hard decision but you should be with someone who will literally do anything for you let alone the bare minimum
Doesn’t sound like much of sl relationship move on ino