Hello! I have not posted before, and I am looking for insight. Please be advised that this is a long story! Thank you!
My (21 F) bf (24 M) and I are in a long distance relationship that has been going on for 10 months and communicated through FaceTime throughout this argument.
I had been sick all day yesterday (my birthday) and was feeling quite sad. I struggle with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder, so it’s hard for me to control my crying. This has been a problem as he thinks I cry too much, so this was the first time I’ve cried in a while.
Earlier in the day I told him I’d like some compliments, but once he gave them to me I asked him to add some more enthusiasm. He got mad that I requested this and called me needy and told me that I am unappreciative. I asked again later and the same thing happened. I understand that the second time I shouldn’t have corrected him. However, the day continued and he was passive aggressive throughout it.
He is also sick, so I believe that this is why he was so mad at me. I think his tolerance was low and that he didn’t want to deal with my requests. However, the week before and the day before my birthday, I told him that all I wanted was compliments and stupid little requests throughout the day of my birthday, because I thought it would be fun to be spoiled. He agreed to this and had no problem. I made sure not to ask for anything crazy or demanding. I asked for compliments and eye contact, because he has a tendency to doze out of our conversations, then doesn’t hear what I say. Every time I asked for something he yelled at me or got mad.
The week before my birthday we split the payment on a ticket for him to visit me and he told me that this was my birthday gift. We went out and we both payed for random things throughout the trip. I thanked him many times and told him how happy I was with his visit.
I understand that the visit was my birthday gift and yesterday he told me that I don’t need anything else on the actual day of my birthday, because we had already celebrated. I told him that I was not asking much of him, and I even payed partially for the pizza that he was eating on the day of my birthday, so that we could celebrate and eat together. He did not tell me that I didn’t deserve anything on the day of my birthday until after I made a request for compliments.
When I say compliments I mean just small things like I look nice today or an I love you, very simple things.
At the end of the day, I cried because I felt so sick and had a bad day. He told me to stop acting like a baby, that I am being childish, and that he wants a woman who isn’t like me. That only made me feel worse, but I tried to stop crying and tell him how the words he was using didn’t help me feel any better. I told him that I want my partner to be more comforting and not so angry. He said that I should have just done something I liked to make my day better.
Before bed he told me to stop keeping him up with my crying, and he was up for 10 minutes past his bedtime. He cursed me out a bit and then told me he would apologize the next day (he didn’t), then said goodnight and went to bed.
Today he has just been passive aggressive and argumentative with me.
I feel like I should no longer share my feelings with him and like he has just pushed me away, to the point that I don’t want to talk much.
Now I am let down, as yesterday was a big day for me. I get that I may have pushed him too much, but I feel like I didn’t deserve the verbal lash out I received from him.
What could I have done better? Is it really all my fault? Is there anything he could have done better?
TL;DR – My (21 F) bf (24 M) and I got into an argument over me crying after having a bad day on my birthday.
10 comments
You two need to break up. This relationship isn’t healthy. You are also not in a good mental space to support a relationship. It sounds like your mental state is causing an issue for not only you but for the relationship
Why are you tolerating this?
I’m so sorry.
Happy belated birthday lovely.
You did nothing that would justify calling you names and making you feel worse than you already did on your birthday.
I’m not a fan of him, from how you’ve described him. It sounds like you deserve much better.
If you ever need someone to cheer you up and chat with, for any random reason please feel free to contact me. I’ll gladly chat with you and I won’t make you feel bad for having emotions.
>He told me to stop acting like a baby, that I am being childish, and that he wants a woman who isn’t like me.
Great, he can go find her then.
OP you’re *begging for scraps* from this man. Please break up with him and learn to love yourself before you commit to another relationship. It’s not normal to have to negotiate basic appreciation on your *birthday,* or for your partner to call you a baby because they made you cry. He’s cruel to you. Your relationship sounds transactional and exhausting, given that you already have depression and anxiety issues this guy is only going to make it worse.
It’s your party and you can cry if you want to.
If he isn’t caring for you in the way that you need him to, you need to find someone that will. LDRs are hard and require an enhanced level of communication and attention. If his sickness was having an impact on his mental state, like it was having on yours, he should have communicated it instead of lashing out.
So lets me get this straight.
You have a boyfriend who gets annoyed that you asked for compliments and quality attention on your birthday and instead of making even minimal effort to give you a good day he got annoyed and was passive aggressive the whole day. **Thats super shitty of him!**
>the week before my birthday we split the payment on a ticket for him to visit me and he told me that this was my birthday gift.
-that’s a copout gift. Visiting your gf on her birthday is a normal expectation in relationships, that is not an “above and beyond” action so no, it’s not a gift.
>yesterday he told me that I don’t need anything else
-another copout behavior. This dude is an AH.
>he told me…. That he wants a woman who isn’t like me.
-**This is a breakup worthy phrase. You are justified to dump him simply because he said this one line.**
>he cursed me out a bit and then told me he would apologize the next day.
-red flags! Red flags!!! 🚩🚩 anyone who puts off apologies isn’t actually sorry, they don’t actually have empathy for you, otherwise they wouldn’t wait. The fact that he didn’t apologize at all proves that he doesn’t care about cussing you out on your birthday. **this is another breakup worthy event.**
>I feel like I should no longer share my feelings with him.
-correct. You should do that by dumping him and never telling him about your feelings again.
>I get that I may have pushed him too much
-NO YOU DIDNT!!! Asking for a date night (that you split the payment for) and compliments (a free and easy gift) is NOT asking too much! Not even close! That’s like the bare minimum. This guy is cussing you out for asking for the BARE MINIMUM expectation of a boyfriend on a birthday.
OP, please, please, please, see all these red flags and dump this POS dude.
You sound unbearable and needy to me, so I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. I think it’s pretty clear the two of you are not compatible.
He went wrong by not having a mature discussion about it. Tbh though, you are probably the type who cannot handle a mature discussion. Seems like he has to walk on eggshells around you and nothing is ever enough.
He’s a shitty boyfriend. When are people going to figure out that being alone is infinitely better than being with someone who sucks?
It’s okay to dump someone who doesn’t even like you
You have done nothing wrong other than tolerating someone who treats you terribly. (Not trying to sound judgmental, guys do this a lot, they let their mask fall off once they think they have a girl into them enough to put up with being treated poorly. It can be hard to tell though when you’re in the situation how bad it is.)
1. You shouldn’t even have to ask your partner to compliment you, ESPECIALLY on your birthday. They should WANT to compliment you, to make you feel special, beautiful, loved etc.
2. He knows you have depression and anxiety and still shames you for crying too much? Even without having any mental illnesses, crying is a genuine reaction and shouldn’t be shamed. It is not childish or dramatic or immature to cry, it is HUMAN.
3. Cussing you out? That’s verbal abuse. Especially seeing as he was doing that because he was mad that you were still crying, even though you were crying because of his words/behavior. He blamed you for him hurting you. That isn’t okay.
He seriously does not treat you with love and respect and you deserve so much better. I’m so sorry but I don’t see any other solution than to leave him.