[23F] I’ve never been in a relationship and self-sabotage unconsciously. In need of advice.

Im 23, and I’ve never been in a relationship and have never even gotten close to it. Let me preface that I am considered to be conventionally attractive. There’s this part of me that’s felt ugly both physically and on the inside for a long time. I think it started when I was bullied in middle school, and also was rejected by the few people I chose to tell that I have a crush on them at that time as well. I took these rejections terribly hard and I didn’t know any better than to think that it was because of me. Something about me must have been so ugly that they rejected me. This continued to happen over and over until high school.

I finally started dating when I went to college and was just about to find my footing when boom— my dad cheated on my mom. This caused me to completely throw emotional intimacy out the door and I just started sleeping around. I realized how terrible it made me feel- only being wanted for my body. But I put myself through that. I then moved on to just having one fwb situation but that ended up making me feel bad as well. What my dad did also affected platonic intimacy in my life. I had trouble making friends, and a lot of the ones I did make ended up being not great people for me.

Fast forward to mid 2022, I started dating again. I realized that by the time I would get to a second date, i would build hundred foot walls to protect myself. I would shut down and not be myself which obviously would not end up in another date with the person. I went on my first third date ever a couple months ago and although I didn’t build a wall as high as before, I built a large enough wall that the person noticed, and there was never a fourth date. That’s the last date I went on.

I’m scared that I’m gonna keep on self sabotaging but I literally don’t know how to get myself out of this cycle. I’m tired of being alone. I finally have self worth but I don’t know how to stop my subconscious from building these walls up during 2nd or 3rd dates. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Any advice for how to keep being yourself?