I (22f) just moved in with a friend I’ve had for about a year (39m). When we first met, we both had significant others but are now both single. So we live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bath and Im pretty much out all the time and he is at home all the time. I know that he likes me because he has outright told me this and he’s not unattractive or anything but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship. He’s been making some comments along the lines of “let’s normalize couples having separate rooms” and “if we got together” and even last night he tried to kiss me. I plan on making it clear that I don’t want any sort of relationship but I feel like any step forward is a bad one and I’ll have to move out. I really don’t want to but he’s gonna get weird after I reject him and when I bring people over and stuff and I just don’t think it’s a good situation at this point.
Edit: A lot of you are wondering how I met him and why I moved in with him so here’s some context. I met him through an add on Facebook for a room for rent a year ago. I met with him and did a background check and his record was clean, he seemed nice and he is a retired vet with a 12 year old son. I didn’t move in with him because I had an unexpected health issue and moved back to my home state for awhile. A few weeks ago he texted me and said he still had a room for rent and I was back in the city and needed a place to go. I moved in on April 1st and it’s a month to month sub lease. Also, I got home from work and told him how I felt and expressed that his advances made me uncomfortable and how I wanted to keep things professional as a roommate relationship and nothing more. He said this was fine and apologized for making it awkward and making me feel uncomfortable. He said he understands and I am choosing to believe that until I see otherwise. For those concerned with my safety, I do always have my guard up and protection on my person. I appreciate everybody’s advice and even the harsh comments about me honestly, as they are just as helpful. I also want to state that it’s nearly impossible for everyone of all ages in my particular city to live without a roommate but I will definitely look for a better place(females only) for the very near future.
30 comments
Yeah a 39 year old trying to get with someone half his age…. this is not going to end well. Start prepping your exit strategy.
Start looking for your new place right away.
He’s not your friend. You need to move out as soon as it is safe to do so.
Def start planning an exit. In the meantime you can pretend to have a boyfriend and just lie and say you’re leaving for a date and whatever else. Hopefully he backs off then.
The fact that he tried to kiss you takes this next level. Make a plan to move out ASAP. A 39 yr old man has no business with a 22 yr old women. Avoid this creep.
Find a place before you tell him you’re moving out. This guy sounds creepy af
Ok, if you really feel like you have to get out of that, I would understand, I was in a similar thing. One, I would start packing up and getting ready to move (have a place to stay). Two, tell the guy you’re leaving when he’s out and get tf out. Three, don’t tell anyone he would ask where you’re going if you don’t trust him. Before doing that though, talk to him, say if he doesn’t stop making you uncomfortable and feel bad you aren’t going to want to stay. That’s a toxic place to be.
You gotta move out, which is so shitty, but please get out as soon as you can.
I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice. I don’t have time to reply to every one of you but all helpful thank you all
This should not be a thread full of comments whether to condone some age gap. It is about consent. OP should make it VERY clear she is not romantically interested nor is she interested in casual intimacy. If he has a problem with that, he should move out. Why should she have to flee?
He was never your friend he was always a creepy old man.
If I was in this situation (I’m a guy so from the guys perspective) if my roommate said she wasn’t looking for a relationship with me and didn’t act weird or anything then just went on living like normal I would be relieved that we could go on living like nothing ever happened. Do what you think is right. I don’t lnow you or this guy so you need to make a judgment call of if you should move out and end this friendship or if you can both pretend it never happened
You need to leave.
I’m 33 and I would not have a 22 year old as a roommate. A) because I’m grown and I pay my own bills and B) because I’m not trying to groom some young person into a relationship.
It really feels like this was his plan all along.
So many red flags in this post. How did you meet this man? Is he in your friend group? Are you work colleagues? Did you meet him in a bar 1 year ago and just keep the convo going? Is he paying more than half of the rent? I am having a really hard time understanding why you would move in with someone so much older than you that you don’t seem to really know that well.
He’s almost 40 and you’re 22 wtf is he thinking.
I read your other posts and comments. Girl look, I’m literally almost your age. I’m 21. All of the things you’ve commented, I’ve said or thought before.
Please, please, stop it. Stop behaving like you know everything and no one else (who doesn’t agree with you) does. You asked for help multiple times, take it unashamed. People are giving reasonable and valid pieces of advice of why being with/living with people your age is helpful.
And to be honest, for most people, it’s really alot more fun.
You’ve gotten yourself in a shitty, shitty situation. This is SERIOUS. So don’t feel guilty for taking it seriously and not trying to fix what’s not working.
You are smart, you are capable, you are independent, none of my words imply you are not the above.
Move out. Not a single excuse for why you should stay. You said you are a bit fearful of being kicked out. You feel uncomfortable rejecting a literal adult twice your age who should know how to politely take rejection.
So don’t take the chance :). Make an exit plan and leave and end the friendship. Real friends don’t make you feel like you’re going to be left on the street for something as reasonable as not reciprocating feelings.
Learn about different kinds of leases. (Another reason age matters!) a lot of apartments CATERED TO YOUNG PEOPLE/STUDENTS have what’s called by the bed leasing. It’s so you pay ONLY for what you use (generally). You pay for your bed space, you split utilities evenly with roommates and a lot of places will let you swap rooms so if something like this happens or you don’t get along with your roomie(s), you can move away from them.
The guidance is HELPFUL not condescending.
AGE GAPS MATTER. The most mature and successful people I have ever met in age gap relationships or living situations, are ones who KNOW THEY MATTER. Because they take into account HOW age gaps influence lifestyles and THEN make a decision.
I know a girl living with 28 year olds (she’s 19) and who dates older men in their 30s. Never once did she criticize those who were wary of these things. She took their advice, and appreciated it. So now, none of those relationships are exploitive. Because instead of saying “my concern isn’t about the age, it’s about the apartment or consent” or whatever, she said she would think about ALLLLL of those things. Age INCLUDED. And now she can pinpoint HOW she MIGHT be taken advantage of and can counter it.
And honestly, this goes beyond age. Plenty of people our age can be exploitive and mean and immature. They just have less POWER generally to act on these things.
Being an adult is not about being right. And it’s not just about being your own person and making your own decisions.
It’s about doing those things while ALSO being experienced, knowledgeable, adaptable, and well-rounded. Maturity forms from learning from your experiences.
And you can take it from someone who also had to learn this the hard way. Someone who ALSO has experiences with older men twice her age.
I’d go stay on a friend’s couch until you can find a new place.
A friend that’s 20 years older than you? Why would you do this?
I don’t think this is healthy or safe for you
Definitely start looking for a new place. And bring someone with you when you unleash the bad news. People who get rejected are unpredictable.
The age gap alone is a red flag. He’s been waiting for his opportunity and I honestly fear for your safety.
This man is not your friend. Find a place and only tell him once you’re ready to move.
100% guaranteed that he was already thinking about doing this when you guys moved in together.
This guy is a predator.
Look for a new place to stay.
If he does not sexually assault you, he will sabotage your relationship.
The fact that you moved with him in the first place is even crazier than what he is.
You’re allowed to have boundaries and should be very firm on them. Remember, love doesn’t push itself onto people. Love is not an obligation, but a gift.
I don’t have much advice besides getting out as carefully as you can. This could be more than just unrequited feelings, and raises thoughts of abuse patterns and some grooming tactics but not 100% sure.
Just be careful, and move diligently.
Keep your cautions and have him earn that trust (back?) and don’t take him solely at his word, look at his actions and trust your intuition. Maybe he didn’t know, and really did just like you and got a bit too pushy. But the alternative isn’t good and you can’t know which yet.
The kiss does sound like he doesn’t respect the boundaries you set initially if you’ve made it clear you’re not looking for a relationship.
I could see it if he was sheltered and young. But as a vet and at his age, with a son? I don’t buy ignorance in that case, but that’s me. Please just be careful and keep an eye out. Probably good in either case for you to move when you can, even if he isn’t pushing after. It’s probably for the best in general.
You need to move. I’m sorry.
I’m in my late 20s. My friend group hovers around 30. None of the (non-creepy) men my age or older would consider a roommate situation with anyone under 25 due to lifestyle differences, and they would all agree that rooming with a 22yo woman is A Very Bad Look.
This 40 year old man either has zero awareness, bad intentions, or so little going on in his life that the antics of a 22yo are exciting and not disruptive to his day-to-day. All equally concerning qualities in a roommate. Him pushing romantic interest on you are strikes 10-100.
This person is not your friend. You met them online through a roommate search. A man his age should not feel comfortable rooming with a woman your age. A man his age should know better than to have made these uncomfortable comments.
This is a person you need to stay on alert around and you should not have to do that in your own home. You need to leave.
This would make me incredibly uncomfortable in my own home, and that’s not a long term solution. I can’t help but think how predatory his behaviour is and I would be worried about cameras hidden in the room.
Looks at OPs comment and post history, yikes! ☠️☠️☠️
Maybe this is KARMA?!