**TL;DR:** *Girlfriend is mentally ill and traumatized, she dumped me and is begging to be taken back, I am conflicted*
**Background:**
We met each other right at the end of high school, and started dating at the end of the summer. She moved to another city a 1 day drive away away for university, while I stayed in our home city to work and save up money for my university. We made long distance work, and she would visit on every break, and stay for the summer. From what I have gathered, she is quite traumatized by her childhood and past relationship, but I don’t know the details as she has never shared.
**Mental Illness:**
She has depression and anxiety, and has at a few points taken it out on me. It was always followed with a sobbing apology and a promise to stop, and after the last time it hasn’t happened again (I told her I wouldn’t be a punching bag, muted my phone, and went to sleep early). All this is to illustrate that she is unstable, but there has been a slow path to improvement.
**The Main Pain Point:**
One of the major manifestations of this trauma has been her inability to say “I love you”. At the beginning she just said that it was too early to say it, which I agreed with. After 10 months, I told her that I loved her because I thought enough time has passed. She asked if I was serious, and then chastised me for trying to rush her. Since then I have kept quiet and decided to let her say it when she is ready. She got really drunk during Christmas this year, said it to me, and then in the morning apologized and called it a mistake. This has been the main pain point of the relationship for me. She insists that she does feel that way about me, but it still feels like something is missing.
**The Final Day:**
One night I was hanging out with friends, and after a few drinks I laid everything out for them. It felt really nice to talk to someone about it, and they all gave me their advice. A common thread was that I should talk to her, and explain what was going wrong for me. I did, and she immediately broke up with me. I kept trying to claw it back, but she kept talking about how I could easily find someone better for me, and that she was dead weight dragging me down. I broke down, and stayed inside for 2 days before going to a bar with a friend and getting black out drunk. I still feel like shit, as this was my first ever break up. This is the worst I have probably ever felt.
**Her Wanting Me Back:**
She called me the afternoon after I got drunk in tears. She talked about how she had pushed her best friend away, and how she had destroyed the best thing in her life. We went back and forth a little so that I could try and understand what she was thinking. She somehow thought that it was an ultimatum? She also said that she talked to her therapist about it, and had been given a lot of advice on how to overcome this. She then begged for me to take her back, and said that she was willing to do anything. I said that I wasn’t ready to make any decisions, and that I would call her back in 2 weeks when I would be ready to make my decision.
**Positives:**
I am torn on whether on not to take her back. On the one hand this is a person who I have loved for 2 years. She has been there for every part of my life for those 2 years, and has supported me. I know I have only talked about the bad parts in this post, and that reading those it can seem like a terrible relationship, but it really wasn’t. 95% of the time it was amazing, and I want to go back to that feeling. She was my best friend, and I really miss her. I truly do believe that she is remorseful, and that she wants to take steps to make it work.
**Negatives:**
Another part of me feels like I was holding up this rotting husk, sacrificing my mental well-being for the sake of the relationship. I am a very happy person, but for the last few months I have had more and more miserable moments. This part feels like this was for the best, and that after this period of pain I will be able to find someone new who can make me feel better than she ever did.
**What I have done:**
So far I have a document in my notes app for conditions that would be required for us to get back together. It includes things like seeing a couples therapist, being more open about her past, and talking to me about problems instead of hiding. I know that this has a chance of not working, and imposing conditions on love seems very cold and robotic. My co-worker recently also went through a bad break up, and told me to start dating again quickly because it helped him (I know this is probably bad advice, but its worked for me). I already have 2 dates scheduled for next week, and I’m feeling good about those. Chatting with people outside of the situation has been very nice, and I feel has improved my mood.
I really feel like an outside and impartial observer would be really beneficial for my situation. All of my friends and family know both of us very well, so its impossible for them to be impartial. I look forward to reading any advice or insight that you may have for me.
18 comments
Why are you trying to get back with her while you are trying to move on?
You’re ready to move on if you’re feeling good about going on dates. At this age you’re supposed to be having fun, not having a ton of turmoil. You also don’t need to be pushed away for daring to express your needs.
She is also very young, and what she is working through is going to take her quite a bit of time. This does not make her a bad person, but likely not a dateable person for now. She is probably best weeding through all of her trauma on her own so she can come out the other side being a balanced and reciprocal partner. You do not and should not wait around for that to happen.
A few notes. Don’t go on dates if you want to reconcile with her.
If you decide to get back thebmoment she learns you were going on dates will break her, and you will be single once more. Making a freaking decision, one way or another us fine, but pursuing both makes you a terrible human being.
Other then that point, if you do decide to get back with her instead of dating around, you should definitively require her to tell you the source of her trauma as well. You should also arrange some time you could dpend together irl.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
No backsies ever, they don’t work out long term. You are not her therapist.
You need to move on and hopefully your next partner will be sound of mind.
You are too young for any of her bullshit. No matter what the reasons, she’s being abusive towards you. You are young and should be having fun. Move on.
I stopped reading at “mentally Ill”
Don’t date people who aren’t of sound mind. Full stop.
So many threads in this sub would be resolved if people stopped dating untreated mentally ill partners. Move on and stop being her emotional punching bag.
I’m someone who also has had a traumatic childhood as well as being bipolar. This is not how I’ve ever treated my significant other. I sought help for myself. I read books on coping mechanisms. I go to therapy. I take medication. I did that all myself. I never take my mental illness out on my partner. There are people out there that will do the work to be a good partner. You shouldnt have to take the brunt of her problems. You should support your partner during tough times, but this sounds like way more than that.
I think it’s a little much that you would get couples’ therapy with her. You’re so young, it shouldn’t be this hard. You’re both still figuring yourselves out. I think you should make the breakup final. I genuinely believe she’ll keep doing this to you.
Side note: This is the best laid out post I have ever seen in my time on Reddit. This should be the norm
Dude, it’s not worth the stress. I get that she’s probably your first love but she doesn’t seem well enough to really be in a relationship. You should both move on. Take some time to figure yourself out. Go have some fun. Try not to get blackout drunk when you go to the bar, that’s not a good look for anyone.
Tell her to give you a couple weeks to think about it, and you not contact you. Tell her you’ll reach out to her when you’re ready.
If she doesn’t respect that boundary, then block.
Her wanting a stable relationship doesn’t mean she is ready for one. She needs to work on herself before she should be committing and you should not put your life on hold for someone who is not ready for a long term commitment.
Breaking up with someone you still love is hard and confusing. That’s normal. You need to sever all ties in order to start the healing process. For both of you.
I like how you’ve structured your points. Objectively reading through it shows that you’re reluctant, but want to let go.
Its time to move on and I think you know it
Ask yourself if you really think this will last. That will tell you what to do.
BPD RUN BPD RUN
You’re far too young to have this kind of drama dominating your life. As you said, the miserable moments are getting more frequent. That’s not likely to reverse. Tell her you’re not getting back together (a list of rules and conditions is no way to conduct a relationship), go on your dates, don’t have high expectations, spend some time single, without being reliant on another person to define who and what you are.
One thing, you’re not “imposing conditions on love”, you’re spelling out how you want to be treated.
In any case, I think all of this is too little and too late. Relationships should NOT be this hard and she’s absolutely not ready for one. When you’re with somebody who’s good for you, the ‘work’ you put into a relationship is something that’s easy to do. Yes, there are harder and more stressful periods, but FFS, you’re 21, your biggest arguments should be bickering over who gets to pick the movie you’re watching or what place does the best curly fries, not whatever this is.
Don’t take her back. She needs serious therapy before she tries to be in a relationship. It’s not your job to be with a broken person. Date people who are healthy now.