I (M28) have been with my wife (F26) for 10 years and married for 3. I take care of everything. Cleaning, cooking, bills. I work full time. No sex life. I take care of our 2 dogs. My only friends have moved across the country and are essentially out of my life. My parents are divorced and my siblings also live across the country. I essentially have no one. This is a one way relationship and I think I’ve reached my breaking point. The only problem is that I will lose both of my dogs who are the only ones in my life who love me unconditionally and my house that I’ve broke my back to get and take care of. I can’t afford the house on my own and can’t afford to buy her out. My dogs love her as well which means we’d have to split them up which would only devastate them because they are best friends. I’ve thought this through and every time it comes out to her getting both dogs due to the fact that she would probably move in with her parents who has the room and means to care for them and would allow them to live happy lives. And I would end up moving into an apartment and would lose my house. I’ve thought out every scenario and every possibility and I lose every time.
43 comments
Take a breath, pack the car, grab the dogs, and just leave. Drive cross-country with them and visit friends, family. Just give yourself a break.
Well The Thing is if you sell your house you would make $$ on it correct . Why don’t you buy a 5th wheel or something you actually own and not rent . There is alot of places you can park one for low weekly rates plus you could keep your dog and if you decide to go closer to your family just take it with you and sleep in it on the road .
Don’t sabotage yourself, maybe see if you can talk to a lawyer first and see what they have to say before you jump to these conclusions
What you described isn’t a marriage, it’s a bad roommate situation with paperwork saying you will stay together. Go to a lawyer, discuss your options and pick one. You deserve happiness in your life and you will never find it with her.
As a fellow dog owner there’s two things to consider.
1. What would be the best for the dogs? You might end up crashing with friends or getting a small apartment which would make them miserable.
2. There are lots of dogs who need an owner who will love them sitting in shelters waiting for someone like you to take them home. Remember that if it works out that you can’t take them.
Don’t give up yet but I suggest to get a lawyer who can sort things out for you. It ain’t over til the fat lady sings so retrieve your inner strength and power and get some help – but don’t tell your wife. Get prepared in silence and secrecy und don’t tell her anything until you have a set plan!!
Worst case scenario leaving is you loose assets and pets. It sucks! But staying is so much worse, you’ll lose yourself. Perhaps if you document how she does nothing, hater evidence that she isn’t contributing to the life and she can’t afford to maintain it and present to a judge, you may be able to keep some.
You’re young enough to start over and be ok. I did at 28 too, and I’m ok.
I started over at 47. Within a year, I was happier thanI believed possible.
I’m now on the way to financial freedom, yet I’d give up everything again if I were unhappy (fortunately not anticipated).
You’ve got this.
First thing, you must see a lawyer.
Then see if you can eventually find work near your family/ friends. If you sell the house you’ll have some money to help you out.
I’m sorry for the dogs, but you cannot go on living like this
INFO: whose property from legal pov are the dogs? Did you buy them or your wife, or both of you?
A home can be anywhere wherever you’re happy. Don’t get hung up on it, your happiness and sanity and life is much more important
Do you two communicate? What does she say when you ask why she is not doing her fair share? & Have you told her you’re unhappy?
You can’t spend your life like this. Breaking up always comes at a cost especially if kids are involved but it’s a better choice.
Before you do anything, go to a lawyer and then speak to your wife. Tell that she has to do something because the divorce is Infront of your doorstep. Tell her if she doesn’t change her ways you are both done!!!
As others said, instead of going “this would maybe happen. And that might happen.” go talk to a lawyer about your options. and i mean a good lawyer, a shark of a divorce lawyer.
There are always ways out of situations like that, you just don’t see them yet.
Talk to a lawyer first! – do your homework now before you get started on this path. It will give you the upper hand. She sounds so distracted she probably will not pick up on the raft at all. Get your ducks in a row now.
hopefully you guys will make some money on your house and when you move on, it will be enough to help you reestablish yourself.
It also sounds like she’s got something secret going on – spending another second trying to figure out “is she or isn’t she?” Is going to make you crazy.
You’re young enough for a full fresh start.
Agree to the previous post saying there are so many dogs who need love. I know it sounds cold and painful bc you love your dogs so much. Where I live every rental allows dogs – do some research on a townhouse or something with a yard you can rent for a year or so while you get reestablsihed.
I would say start at the simplest solution and work up to the most complicated. I didn’t read anything about infidelity so try couple counseling and tell her what you are feeling and thinking. You never know, she may make some changes. If that doesn’t work, then at least you tried before blowing everything up. After that, then you have to gauge how much your mental and emotional health is worth. Sucks to be in that position but you are probably stronger than you think and may find the perfect person for you.
Why do you keep playing these weird posts about your wife but never answering anyone’s questions?
You need to prioritise your happiness over the loss of your dogs. Just know she loves them and will look after them. It’s horrible, but we all grieve the loss of dogs. I’m sorry, but you can’t just stay until the dogs pass away, you will likely develop awful self esteem and mental health issues.
INFO- are the dogs in your name or hers? Can you not move across the country to your friends and family and take the dogs with you? Ask to work remotely for a while until you can find a new job. Explain you are divorcing to work and they’ll hopefully be more understanding
Check out his previous posts same title, same context with a few other tidbits.
He says he does everything, but he can’t afford to move out. his wife does work.
I’m 20 years your senior. I left my emotionally abusive husband after 22 years of marriage. He got the house I’ve lived in since I was 21 because when we bought it, we weren’t married yet and he put it in only his name, even though I contributed $25,000. We bought it from his father. My children also stayed with him, because they wanted to stay in the house they grew up in. They were young adults, so they got to make their own decision regarding it. I’m now living in an expensive apartment with just my dog (he kept the cat) but I can say that I feel free and happier than I have in years. Money can always be earned again. You are still young. Don’t trap yourself over possessions.
Think of it this way you are losing not much when you compare it to the potential happiness you gain.
At 28, you have potentially have years or more to live an incredible happy life instead of the sadness you have now.
When you put a value to losing as what you already have, then everyone ALWAYS loses. The problem is you are only looking behind you. What you have had and then are projecting that into the future. Stop looking backwards and look forward, what are now able to accomplish/acquire that you wouldn’t have had with her.
Our most powerful and valuable asset is time. Money doesn’t compare with time. Don’t waste your most valuable asset on a sunk cost.
I was in this situation a few years ago and didn’t know how to move forwards without napalming my entire life.
I let things drag on until my mental health was in shreds. One day I simply couldn’t bring myself to spend another night under the same roof and initiated the divorce without a proper exit plan in place. It was a rushed mess and many of my worst fears came true. Unfortunately I had to sell the house and quit a job i loved, to go across the country to live in my very kind sister’s spare room. Luckily her landlord agreed to make an exception and let my cats stay too, but i had to ask for written permission and pay an extra deposit. It was rough but things gradually got better. I bought a new house of my own and took in lodgers to help pay the mortgage.
My point is, there isn’t always a good solution to messy problems, but you can’t let that hold you to ransom. Losing your house and dogs will hurt for sure, but you’ll manage.
Divorce her and sell the house. Move back to where your family and friends are. Push to keep one or both of the dogs if your new living situation allows it. Then rebuild your life. God luck!
Go talk to a lawyer. The house will be sold and you can split costs and likely buy a small house or condo and you could live across the county ti be with your friends and family.
You will rebuild your life, fear of restarting does not mean you should stay in a dead marriage at 28.
How big is the house? Could you not get a lodger or two? This way you’d have extra income and could stay in the house with the dogs.
I was in a really shitty, abusive relationship a while ago. He had two dogs; the Mother and her puppy. I got pregnant by this guy, moved, and the puppy became my son’s dog. He cared more about splitting custody of the dog than our son.
Eventually I just let him keep the dog. He made my life so difficult, and my misery wasn’t worth it. My son was obviously heart broken at the time.
My son is 11 now, and we have another dog he loves just as much.
I was about your age when I split up with the dude. I’m 37 now and I regret the wasted time.
It’ll be okay. You just have to take that first step; it’s the hardest. Everything gets easier after.
1) your absolute first priority is to see a lawyer.
2) i have some unconventional advice about the dogs. Just ignore it if it does not apply to you. Please know that i am a staunch supporter of our furry family members, and completely understand your worry over loosing your beloved pups. I would be devastated. Also, though, i spent years volunteering in animal rescue in a county that did not appreciate our furry family members & a county shelter with data that reflected it. So my long-term advice may seem unconventional. If you think your ex and her parents will provide a good, loving home to your pups, it is ok for them to go with her. I completely understand it will be so difficult for you. I just ask you to consider that at that time, there are also other pups out there that are on a time limit (maybe at your county shelter). And also need good homes. You could never replace your angels, of course not. But you do not have to be lonely either. If she & her parents end up with your dogs, i just ask that you keep in mind at that point that you will have the capacity to save a life or two. And you do not have to feel lonely. It is not replacing your dogs. Just like no parent that has 2 children is replacing the first child by having a second child. What you can do is save a life (or two).
3) just know you will get through this. These next few months are going to be tough, but you will get through them and emerge better and happier for it. And even though the next few months will be tough, they certainly will not be nearly as tough as going through the next 40-50 YeArS of being unhappy.
Get a lawyer. My friend got divorced and they shared custody of the kids and the dogs.
The only thing worse than being stuck in a bad relationship is to continue to be stuck. As sad as it is to have to leave your home, it will also be a huge relief to let go of all of that baggage. A fresh start where you are only responsible for yourself will be great. An opportunity to reset and heal. I think your attitude about the dogs is very healthy. You will grieve but if they are safe and happy together, it’s a good thing.
It sounds like you guys don’t talk at all. Definitely in a rut. I would work on your marriage before you give up. Go out to dinner or lunch and talk first.
Listen to an old lady, sweetheart. I stayed for 23 years. I was afraid I’d be an old homeless lady eating cat food. Ya, I lost the house. Had to get a job at Walmart (the horror) and had to rent rooms in other folk’s houses for years until I finally got into a low income apartment.
And you know what? Im content. Ya, poor sucks, but living in a miserable marriage was 100% worse.
Honey, you are 28 years old. Don’t waste your life and your youth like I did out of financial fear. I promise, the fear, is far worse than the reality.
You can be happy without your house and dogs or miserable with them.
While my 1st thought after 10 years is to invest in some therapy with your wife
My 2nd thought is to have her leave and get a roommate
And dogs can go back-and-forth I know many dogs who live with shared custody
what’s most important is your happiness. stop getting caught up in the house and dogs. sell the house and you’ll have lots of liquidity to get a great apartment of your choice. i know this will be hard to lose them but let her have the dogs if that is where the dogs will be most happy. then once you have your own place and peace of mind back, you can adopt another dog.
this is all about adapting to big changes. but once you accept your reality and focus on rebuilding as swiftly as possible, you will be in a much better space.
this is necessary for your happiness. a year from now, you will feel soo relieved that you have your freedom, wellbeing and your life back.
**edited to add–** or maybe you guys split the dogs for the first few months and see how it goes so you have a companion.
maybe also ask if you can stay in the house with one of the dogs during the divorce and property sale. i think that will help your transition.
I would lawyer up, but considering your age and situation, I wonder how much you would really be getting out of this house. If it’s less than 100k I am wondering how much it would be really worth it to keep that money or rather just walk away.
The dogs on the other hand, I would absolutely look into keeping. Maybe foster them while you find a suitable place?
I would think of it as trading some of your material possessions for a happy and fulfilling life. Looks like tough choice today. In hindsight you will celebrate this “independence day”.
Unfortunately ending any relationship often comes with sacrifices. I’m sure you love your dogs very much, but is having them around really worth you suffering every day, possibly for the rest of your life? My ex got the pets when we split up. It was devastating, but she was toxic and I’m so much happier without her. As far as the house goes, don’t be so sure you’re going to get screwed until you talk to a divorce lawyer. But any way you slice it, I think staying married to someone you don’t love anymore will do more harm than any financial loss you might incur from the proceedings. It sounds like you’ve been at the end of your rope for some time. You may be worried about what you’ll lose if you break it off now, but it will only get worse the longer you wait. Unless you think there’s some way you can fix your marriage, the sooner you cut your losses, the better.
Well, you’ve already decided that you hate life living with this woman. You think it’d be a waste to get a divorce because you’ve lost all the time you invested into this life you have now. However it’s not nearly as much of a waste of time as living a life you know you’re unhappy in. You can get a new house, dogs, hell wife even. But you can’t get the time you wasted away with someone you don’t want to be with.
You will lose your home and your dogs but gain your freedom. It sounds like you have none right now.
I hate to say it but dogs are animals not children so the courts would probably treat them like property and if you live in a community property state/province you’ll either have to prove you had them before you got married (i.e. they’re yours) or you’ll have to split them up. The house, same deal, you’ll either have to buy her out, she buy you out, or you sell the house. Either way while it stings, it’s still just property. If you stay in the marriage long enough not only will you owe more and be less happy but you might end up with kids (I know I know, no sex life) and child support or alimony. If you’re this unhappy now, try therapy, and if all else fails, get a divorce. It’s hard, it sucks, it’s not what you envisioned or wanted…but sometimes that’s what we get
In some cases, a condition of divorce can be a forced sale on the house and you two split it accordingly. She doesn’t just automatically get the option to live there until she feels like it. She may be able to, however, until the divorce is finished.
Talk to a lawyer. You’ll get a clearer understanding of your options. Don’t automatically assume you’re totally fucked here. You don’t want to be in this situation for the rest of your life. You’re still very young, it’s not too late to start over. Trust me, this is coming from somebody who’s been divorced twice by the time I was 24.
Every year you wait, it’s not likely to get any easier. Sorry you are going through this and best of luck.
Put a plan together and start doing it. If you don’t, sometimes the universe has a way of pushing things along that is more painful.
You need to immediately get a divorce attorney. Do. Not. Tell. Your. Wife. Discuss with the attorney your concerns and desires and trust me, they will find a solution for you. The marital assets need to be split. That means any debt is split, any proceeds from the house or possessions split and so on. Don’t give up. Your “ace” card is that you are the only one that takes care of the dogs. If you have any proceeds left over from the divorce you can move back to family and find a small affordable rental house, maybe even a roommate or two to help with the rent. This is not a dark end for you. Consider this a test run for your “forever SO”. I can’t tell you how many people I went through to find the love of my life (together 22 years now), and the important thing is you now know all the red flags to look out for – so don’t repeat them!!!
You stayed around probably way longer than you should have because you constantly make excuses or maybe you’re just afraid of change,but anything is better than the life you’re living right now.