Ladies, when did you realize that the bar was low for men?

41 comments

  1. i realized i was amazed by him not requiring me to be hairless at all times, like my exes had

  2. Men straight up commit sex crimes or threaten and harass women and people are like ‘oh, we don’t want to ruin his life.’ I dunno, if a guy is running around threatening to rape women maybe he deserves to get arrested? Just a thought.

  3. I mean, I think for me personally the bar is just on the floor for any relationship.

    I’ve equally put up with and overlooked pet peeves in both men, and non-men i’ve dated. Although in saying that, woman and non binary people i’ve dated have just brought more to the relationship in the first place.

    I’ve only ever dated one person who tried to hold me to a higher standard than they themselves were willing to put in, but they were toxic in so many other ways. Though I think that the majority of men are socialised to expect more from women than they are told to give, and women are socialised to expect less and give more because that’s what our patriarchal society is set up to function with.

    So the reason my standards for men are no different than my standards for women and other folk is because I was raised as a woman, and told to put up with all manor of bullshit, but to always be the most and best I can be for my partner….and as a queer person I just translated that insecurity across all of my relationships.

    I realised shortly after that one toxic relationship that I should meet a partner where they are – what expectations do we have for *ourselves* as a person in a relationship, and lets all just aim to meet the lower of the two(+) expectations, and then discuss and negotiate whether that combined effort is meeting our needs as a functional couple, and how we can both elevate our own behaviors.

    That’s sort of how my current partner and I are approaching it. Which works for him, because he’s just being himself, But i;m having to unlearn a lot of gendered expectations.

    For example, His mum is coming to visit tomorrow. It’s been an insanely stressful week. I lamented that I hadn’t cleaned the house and it was disgusting. My partner asked “is the mess getting in your way? Is the mess unsafe? Is the mess at a level of unhygienic that someone could get sick? No, then who cares right now, we both have other priorities” and he’s right, but I voiced that his mum was coming, it’s rude not to clean for a guest, and I feel bad/worthless/useless/gross/unkempt/slovenly/shameful/disrespectful (I just kept listing adjectives until he started laughing), “She’s my mum, It’s my house too, you may feel bad, but you shouldn’t”

    It hasn’t fixed the problem (I still feel like a worthless piece of shit for not having the house spotless before hosting guests) But at least I’m not being held to an unreasonable or uneven standard by my male partner… although, I clearly have lower standards for him than I do myself, because I feel bad that I didn’t clean, But I don’t feel mad that he didn’t clean….

  4. after realizing how many men think that arrested development, learned helplessness, and weaponized incompetence are cute quirks

    i.e. men endearingly calling themselves “idiots” whenever they make blunders in relationships

    blunders that probably wouldn’t happen if they exercised the slightest bit of forethought/empathy

    feel like the bar’s gotta be pretty low if we’re holding men to the same standard as literal children. or more accurately, they’re holding themselves to that standard and we’re expected to follow suit

  5. When i thought about my standards that are pretty basic and I still could barely find anyone I was interested in because most men can’t even live up to the most basic requirements. Having a sense of style beyond jeans and a hoodie? Having a goal for their career / future? Working out in some form? Not acting like an 18 year old frat boy? Being emotionally competent? Not being unreachable for hours on end? Etc.

  6. The bar is definitely low. As long as a guy is kind and brings me food every now and then, he has my heart haha

  7. My husband brought me up a cup of coffee whilst I was WFH and on a Zoom call. People on the call were literally like “Woah gurl you got him whipped!” And “Where do I get service like this?” A few weeks later, a colleague told me she told her boyfriend about this and he told her there was no chance any guy would do this.

    I mean it’s just a nice thing he does everyday when he makes his own coffee, and it’s something that I appreciate, but he’s not saving the world is he?

  8. At the beginning of the relationship with my partner, he would initiate things like cooking dinner and cleaning up afterwards. I profusely thanked him for being so thoughtful and he was shocked that it was such a big deal to me when in his eyes, he was just doing things that needed to be done. That’s when I realized what a low bar I had been holding for me too.

  9. When I hear the countless tales from women who put up with so much messed up stuff that a man does and these women are like “but I love him.”

  10. When them just being only slightly nice awarded them what would be equivalent to the noble prize. Like wow, why are you singing his praises so much when all he did was say hello along with a barely audible gunt added to it. When did we start expect so little from men?

  12. When I thought someone just being kind to me and actually wanting to spend time together was the greatest thing in the world.

  13. I always knew things were different…but it is REALLY pronounced when my husband and I became parents. And we both noticed.

    If he takes my kiddo anywhere, people will come up and shower him in compliments.

    If I take my kiddo anywhere, I get more “advice”, criticism or side glances than compliments if I’m noticed at all.

    Like… we praise the bare minimum for men, but then criticize women unless they are absolutely perfect (and even then…).

  14. I was on a second date with a guy and I let him know I wont be sleeping with him and that I want something serious. He still told me he’d be walking me home. When we got to my place I let him in (silly I know, but I trusted him) and as he was leaving my apartment, he saw I had this thingy that needed installing. He immediately said he can take care of it for me if I wanted to, and I remember just being on shock and couldn’t speak. I wasn’t ready for a guy to be nice without the promise of sex. I said “nono its fine” and he asked me how long has it been waiting to be installed, and I said “2-3 months” and he said “really, its not a problem, I can take care of it for you itll take me a second”.

    tbh I was flabbergasted that he kept being so nice and respectful.

  15. When all it takes for people to consider a dad “good” to is to be present or change a few diapers

  16. when he willingly went down on me and enjoyed it, and cared about how I was feeling
    Thought he was the best lover ever, but it should be the bare minimum

  17. When a colleague of mine that had been reported and disciplined for bullying and sexual harassment.

    My boss (also male) commented on the situation as follows: “I feel sorry for him because it can’t be fun for him that the women here don’t want to work with him…”

  18. When I seen women praising men for doing the bare minimum of being a good person

  19. When I was 12 and complained that my brother [18 mos older] always did a shit job on his chores but mine had to be perfect. My mom made me redo his, even the harder things like mowing and trimming the lawn.

  20. My tall brother carries his toddler (who takes after him) more than his tiny mom, and my aunt believes that makes her a lazy mom. My cousin was shocked to learn he changes his child’s diapers.

  21. When he changed the toilet paper roll without me needing to ask first, and when he had an extra towel for me to take to his pool ready to go, I remember thinking he was so thoughtful and different. Lol.

  23. It’s only low if you make it that way, never had many bad experiences with men because I filter out the bad *quick*

  24. I’m 37 and started dating my husband at 29. I remember a couple of months in telling him, wow you’re the only guy I’ve dated who was nice to me. He wasn’t necessarily doing anything above and beyond but just by not acting like he didn’t give a shit about me was huge. I think that’s when HE realized how low the bar was.

  25. Probably in my late teens. By my early 20s, since I lived in a conservative area and did not feel comfortable outing myself to most people, I had come up with a way to avoid being set up on dates. I had a set of rules: no smokers (I have asthma), no alcoholics, no drug-addicts, no prison time, must be either pursuing education or have a job, and have access to a car regularly (rural town, no public transit, and I got real fuckin’ tired of being a chauffeur). Every time someone wanted to set me up with a guy, they failed those requirements. They are not excessively stringent requirements!!

  27. When I see dressed-up women accompanied by slovenly-looking men. When a male friend tries to sell me on guys I find unattractive.

  28. A guy I was FWB with for a few months, SA’d, beat me up, locked me in his apartment and took all my things and aswell broke my glasses(which without I can’t see ), after I wanted to go home and after a few hours let me go, and my ex BFF of 13 years told me well at least he got you a uber home after, and that her bf’s never paid her taxi to home🙃

  29. My partner takes our daughter to the park and he’s the best dad in the world. I take her and it’s just what I’m supposed to do. He also hates this low standard set for dads.

    Also I’ve had people say I take advantage of him when we first started dating because he would bring me stuff when I was “more then capable”. I get pretty bad social anxiety especially when I was younger and at parties he would get me beer or pizza or whatever while I sat on the couch. Or his older sister said I should be fixing his plate not him fixing mine…

  30. Realized I guess I have it pretty good because my husband doesn’t spend hours playing video games. I’ve heard so many complaints from other women about this.

  31. Hearing so many of my straight friends hyping up the most basic shit. Things that I’ve done for them as a friend that they hype up for their BFs.

    Examples:

    * “He brought me a glass of water when I said I was thirsty.”
    * “He asked me if I was okay after I had a bad day at work.”
    * “He puts his phone down when we’re having a conversation.”

  33. When I found out straight men were getting ill because they were not washing their ass because they thought that “was gay”, but then also heard people, both men and women describe womens body hair as “unhygienic and nasty”.

  34. Not the first time but I never saw the world the same once someone pointed out that we often refer to men taking care of their own kids as “babysitting”, as if that’s not what being a parent is literally about.

  35. When my oldest brother could cut school, do drugs, spiral himself into severe mental illness, steal money from my parents, and terrorize the whole family but I couldn’t play one wrong note on my violin without hearing intense criticism.

    I was also physically and verbally threatened to remain silent about his abuse of me.

    After childhood, I continued to see more and more examples of how men’s behavior is everyone else’s responsibility by their own.

  36. When I hear my SIL nephew talking trash about how he used his girlfriend to buy him things and nobody said how wrong was that, when my niece was judge every day because she show interest in guys.

  37. When we became parents. Apparently I need to do a better job of setting expectations for my partner in this department. Diaper change score is currently 300+ to 6. Go team.

    ETA: He does a lot and takes care of our family in so many different ways beyond parenting. This is more in regards to how women just become the default parent and dads are seen as hero’s for doing the bare minimum.

  38. When I started dating men after exclusively dating women for most of my 20s. I realized how much I was going to have to lower my standards for basic human decency if I wanted to actually have a relationship with a guy. It got to the point where I said “if this guy asks me more than three questions about myself on this date, then I will go on a second date.”

  39. The different standards in appearance, hygiene (even teeth brushing), body hair or lack thereof, and weight for men versus women. A guy can straight up look like a bridge troll and not scrub his buttcrack or his fat folds during his once a month shower, but it isn’t his fault he has “standards”…

  40. When some ex tried to weasel himself back into my life my saying hed never rape me. Like wtf

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