I met a guy(X) on bumble. On the very first day he told me that he didn’t want anything serious. But he wanted that we don’t look for anyone else too. Idk why but I agreed. He told me not to get serious or develop feelings for him ever in the future too.
He told me he loved me on the first day itself or the next day. I was shocked. But didn’t bother much and replied with I love you but idk if I meant it. We met for the first time after 4 days of having this conversation.
I felt good after meeting him so I told him I love you after days but he didn’t reply and told me that he didn’t know what to say. I told him that you were the one who said this before right to which he replied that ik and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that and I was shocked.
Meanwhile my sister found his profile on bumble. Since we had decided on not trying to find anyone else, I uninstalled bumble on the same day. While all this was happening, he was not talking to me properly. He would talk for 5 min a day that too if I text him. If I don’t initiate, there were times when he didn’t text me for days. He never talked with me over call.
All this messed up my mind. Right before this I was ghosted by a guy after having sex and maybe that’s why not finding anyone else seemed like a good idea to me on the day 1 itself. But all this and last experience scared me and so I talked with other guys, sexted with 2 of them and even agreed to meet one of them. I knew I’d to tell him but I wasn’t ready yet but I was sure I’ll tell him before meeting that guy.
But then that guy too stopped talking nicely. He told me that we’ll go with the flow so this behavior didn’t disappoint me but I lost hope of us.
After almost a month of this, I found the person whom I thought to be love of my life.(long distance relationship so I didn’t meet him in person before clearing out things with X). I didn’t want to let him go. So I said yes and told him everything about the situation. I said I’ll clear things out with X in person.
I told X too that I want to talk with him and asked him to meet me. But there was lockdown so this took 2 months.I don’t think anyone should breakup over call or text. Also, I thought him to be sensitive so I wanted to tell him everything in person. We didn’t talk much during that those months too. He did ask me that if I’m seeing someone but I didn’t want to tell him over chat so I told him no but that I want to talk with him about something.
All this happened 2 years back(2020) but I’m still guilty and ashamed and feel like I cheated on him thrice that too with 3 different men. I feel like shit. To the extend that I’m depressed and feel like I don’t deserve love and no one will ever trust me again.
Although we didn’t have any tag and situation was weird and things were more like hookup, we did agree on not finding anyone else now idk if he was finding domeone else or not but I feel like I cheated and didn’t clear things out to him or tell the truth at the right time.
Was this cheating? How should I forgive myself?
4 comments
I would look at this all as a learning experience. You made mistakes, but you are just human. Now you have learned how this Guy X treated you is not working for you. Because of this, next time, you can end the (exclusive) relationship instead of secretly seeking contact with other guys.
It is good that you have felt bad, the things you did weren’t right. But it has been so long, that it is ok to forgive yourself. Unfortunately, I don’t know how you can forgive yourself, I would expect it to maybe take even more time. Just know you too are worthy of love. Just try to be more honest about your expectations of a relationship with yourself.
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Don’t be dumb, kay? You are a human, you make mistakes, don’t let something like this bother you, more if it was 2 years ago, believe me, the first guy is weird, you don’t say I love you to someone out of nowhere, or say “this relationship is not serious but lets not see anyone else”
Stop beating yourself up this was just a situation of having good character and being in a pandemic lock down. Your not abliged to bring this up.