Tldr : I’ve been friends with a guy for years, started to be horny for him, now I’m in love with him but scared of ruining the friendship.
First of all, english is a second language, sorry for the mistakes
So, I’ve met a guys throught a Facebook messenger group chat maybe two or three years ago. I’ll call him Friedrich during this post, because I think Friedrich is a funny name. We have the same sense of humor and similar values, so we became close friends. We chat everyday, multiple times a day, I tell him pretty much everything and so does he. We lived on the opposite side of the same state, and I like him but not enough to do a 5 hours car ride just to say hi… We met in person once 2 years ago when I had to be in his city for other reason, we had fun but nothing more.
The relationship was always been totally platonical, I never considered him in any sexual or romantical way, and he never said or did anything to let me think it felt otherwiss toward me.
A year ago, a fwb I was in love with ””’broke up””’ with me, leaving me in tears. I asked Friedrich to promise me we’d never sleep together, because I cared way too much about our friendship to ruin it with sex. He absolutely agreed and told me that annyway, he wanted to sleep with people his own age.
Everything was good in the best of worlds. I moved closer to him (2,5 hours away instead of 5) and I invited him to my house-warming party. Once we were in person, I felt super attracted to him. We talked a lot that night, and we ended up falling asleep in the same bed holding hands.
I was freaking out and feeling super guilty about being that horny towards a friend, especially a friend I made a no-sex pact with. I tried to put it on the alcohol, I get horny when tipsy, and he was a guy nearby, and it’s not like I tried to kiss him or anything…
A month later, he invited me to his city for an event he was organizing, it was my spring break, so I accepted. We fought over who was going to sleep on his couch and who was going to sleep in his bed (he has a really small couch so we both wanted to let the other sleep in the confortable bed out of respect). He said ”well, there’s place for two in my bed if you want”, so I went to bed next to him.
We talked for a while, I ended up telling him I was attracted to him and that I felt super bad for it. He told me not to feel bad, that he had been attracted to me in the past, and that the attraction wasn’t as gone as he thought. We cuddle all night, I asked to kiss him, but he said no, that we agreed not to sleep with each other and that I was to young for him.
The next day we talked about it, he said that he would maybe be open for sex to happen someday, but that the previous night felt like a bad timing. I agreed, and left very happy, We hadn’t ruin our friendship but I wasn’t a weird creep attracted to someone who wasn’t attracted to me.
However, it’s been almost two months and I have become obsess with him. I think about him 24/7, mostly in sexual contexts, but also in a romantic way. I imagine him with me at dinner with my parents, putting his hand on my thigh when they say something anoying, I imagine going grocery shopping with him, sending him Instagram reels of kittens hugging, my heart warms up when I think of being with him, and I smile every time he texts me.
I just started Uni, he just finished it, he has been in multiple longterm relationship, I only had one, that lasted less than 3 months, I just moved out of my parent’s and he has a 401k.
We’re not in the same places in our lives, and even if he was attracted to me romanticaly, I don’t think he’d want a relationship with me.
A part of me wants to ignore the way I’m feeling, wait for the feelings to go away so the friendship can continue the way it was. But I know I’m not someone who moves on easily from crushes, it’s pretty much always years of yearning for someone, and I have never been able to move on without going no contact for a while. I have never been able to be truly friends with someone I was this much attracted to. I’m so so scared this friendship is doomed…
On the other side, even tho I’m 80% sure he’s not interested in dating me, the 20% that hopes is there. I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship before, it always scared me, it always felt like an anxiety enducing role, but with him I’d be willing to try. I want to spend weekends at his place doing homeworks while he plays Minecraft, have sex on the couch to procrastinate, fall asleep in his arms. I’m terrified of neber saying anything, waking up at 50, married with children, and think ”Friedrich was the one”.
Is there annyway the friendship can survive? Will the feelings leave? Should I keep quiet or confess my feelings and see what’s up from there? How can I be sure to keep him in my life?
I feel like I’m a dumb 15 year old, I hate it, I hate the lack of control I have on my own feelings.
2 comments
Maybe take some time to focus on yourself and your own goals before worrying too much about your friendship. It could help you gain some perspective on your feelings.
I think at this point the ship has sailed for staying friends.
Your choices are probably make a go at it if he is willing, or distance yourself so that you can deal with your feelings.