How to dodge the question of "who do you hang out with?"

I’ve experienced this issue multiple times when meeting new people at my university (I’m an upper year student).

Almost always, early on in the conversation, they will ask who my friends are/who I hang out with the most (because they are surprised I am in the same cohort as them and they don’t know me). I don’t really have any friends, so its very difficult for me to answer this without being depressing af. I’ve tried being honest and saying I don’t have many friends but am trying to make more, but they almost always get weirded out by this and start treating me differently afterwards (kind of in a patronizing way). Sometimes they will even ask for my social media and look through our mutuals, and ask how I know them (most of them I met in first year and rarely spoke to again).

I want some advice on how to answer this question without being depressing/weirding them out (Please don’t say that these people aren’t worth befriending, this is a real issue I need to address instead of avoiding)

It can be less the answer, and more how you approach the answer.

I think it’s kind of them to offer to be social contacts so readily, but I can also understand how that can be extremely overwhelming. It took a good chunk of my life to figure out my good social patterns and yeah, somewhere along the way I forgot that I genuinely like being alone a lot of the time. It affords me a freedom of action and scheduling that is literally impossible with other people in the mix. I can hike where and when and how fast I please. I take myself out for dinner every so often at places I like but don’t want to cajole someone else to going to. I read and spend time in nature as a hobby.

I might respond to such a question as “I’ve got a few friends but honestly? I kinda like going it alone a lot of the time.” The difference is not the content, but the presentation and delivery. It’s not “Oh… friends… yeah, I don’t have many…”; it’s “Friends are neat, but I don’t really -need- them so they’re not a priority.” Confidence sells, even if you have to buff yourself up in your mind and fake it til you make it (hate that phrase but damn if it’s not true).

So, while you’re here, another question to reflect on: Do you prefer having fewer friends, or are you in a situation where socializing has not really been a part of your life, either for choosing against it or the opportunity never coming?

With many fast-friends/acquaintances with whom I have a soc med connection, things are inevitably slow. Might run into each other at shared events, occasionally talk about this or that, but it’s very much not “Oh. We know each other now. That makes us besties!” It’s a very low-stakes interaction; it can feel like accepting someone into your soc med circle is a big deal, but a way to rephrase it is exactly what you’ve done – it’s people you know/know of. Doesn’t have to be all close friends, doesn’t have to be every rando with a pulse. You get to make that choice. You get to tell people that you prefer your social media locked down tight, whether that’s actually the case or just what you’d want to say so that they’ll drop the matter.

I should note. All my friends know my proclivity for doing my own thing. They’re my friends because over the years they’ve been willing to adapt to that aspect of me, and I to them. I’m more present socially, but not so much to be draining, and my kin are used to seeing me when they see me, and knowing that not seeing me around means nothing more or less than what it says on the tin; “I’m not here right now, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I feel up to it.”

However. There was that dance at the start of ’em all. Same for every single person who has met another person. There’s always the dance, of figuring out not only what each of you is about, but how tight or far or fast or slow that dance goes to make that relationship worth maintaining. It doesn’t always work out, but there’s no automatic hard feelings; just means that for all we wanted it, we couldn’t match our rhythms. C’est la vie, n’est pas?

2 comments

sooner8012 says:
April 12, 2023 at 8:17 pm
You might come up with a set phrase like “with how busy classes have been? I hardly get to hang with anyone it seems like 😀. Mainly (insert 1 person you can say).” Then ask them questions to move past it. Basically disarm them with a little humor and push through it. Hope that helps a little.
portobox1 says:
April 13, 2023 at 5:19 am
It can be less the answer, and more how you approach the answer.
I think it’s kind of them to offer to be social contacts so readily, but I can also understand how that can be extremely overwhelming. It took a good chunk of my life to figure out my good social patterns and yeah, somewhere along the way I forgot that I genuinely like being alone a lot of the time. It affords me a freedom of action and scheduling that is literally impossible with other people in the mix. I can hike where and when and how fast I please. I take myself out for dinner every so often at places I like but don’t want to cajole someone else to going to. I read and spend time in nature as a hobby.
I might respond to such a question as “I’ve got a few friends but honestly? I kinda like going it alone a lot of the time.” The difference is not the content, but the presentation and delivery. It’s not “Oh… friends… yeah, I don’t have many…”; it’s “Friends are neat, but I don’t really -need- them so they’re not a priority.” Confidence sells, even if you have to buff yourself up in your mind and fake it til you make it (hate that phrase but damn if it’s not true).
So, while you’re here, another question to reflect on: Do you prefer having fewer friends, or are you in a situation where socializing has not really been a part of your life, either for choosing against it or the opportunity never coming?
With many fast-friends/acquaintances with whom I have a soc med connection, things are inevitably slow. Might run into each other at shared events, occasionally talk about this or that, but it’s very much not “Oh. We know each other now. That makes us besties!” It’s a very low-stakes interaction; it can feel like accepting someone into your soc med circle is a big deal, but a way to rephrase it is exactly what you’ve done – it’s people you know/know of. Doesn’t have to be all close friends, doesn’t have to be every rando with a pulse. You get to make that choice. You get to tell people that you prefer your social media locked down tight, whether that’s actually the case or just what you’d want to say so that they’ll drop the matter.
I should note. All my friends know my proclivity for doing my own thing. They’re my friends because over the years they’ve been willing to adapt to that aspect of me, and I to them. I’m more present socially, but not so much to be draining, and my kin are used to seeing me when they see me, and knowing that not seeing me around means nothing more or less than what it says on the tin; “I’m not here right now, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I feel up to it.”
However. There was that dance at the start of ’em all. Same for every single person who has met another person. There’s always the dance, of figuring out not only what each of you is about, but how tight or far or fast or slow that dance goes to make that relationship worth maintaining. It doesn’t always work out, but there’s no automatic hard feelings; just means that for all we wanted it, we couldn’t match our rhythms. C’est la vie, n’est pas?

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How to dodge the question of “who do you hang out with?”

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