Moved to a new place, made a friend via bumble BFF but we just don’t have a lot in common. We get along find but we like doing different kinds of activities and have different hobbies. She also lives a bit far from me, and I really would rather make friends with someone in my town rather than having to get on the highway every time to meet her. Honestly that’s a huge factor. I live in a big metro area so even though we’re sort of local to each other, it’s a pain in the ass. I really want to meet friends in my immediate community that I can grab coffee with or something more easily.
We’ve only hung out a couple times. It’s been a few months and I hadn’t contacted her, but yesterday she reached out to see if I could hang this weekend. I said yes and now I’m regretting it. I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I also have a lot else going on in my life (getting married this summer, dealing with chronic health issues, etc) and I barely have any free time to begin with so I don’t want to spend it on a friendship I’m not committed to.
I have a lot of social anxiety to begin with so it was hard enough to even get myself on bumble bff and try to actively meet people, and now the thought of ending a friendship is even more stressful.
Also I get the feeling she has had trouble finding matches and meeting people on bumble bff so it makes me feel extra bad if I end our friendship.
TL;DR – It’s a new friendship, only have hung out a couple times. I don’t have the time or desire to continue this friendship. She lives too far, not enough in common. I agreed to hang out again this weekend but now regretting it. Need advice, because I feel awful if I end the friendship because I think she’s had a hard time finding friends.
3 comments
Don’t guilt yourself into trying to save someone’s feelings. Be honest and tell her that you can no longer meet up this weekend, and that you’ve got a lot going on in your life and won’t be able to hang out anymore. It isn’t your responsibility to spend time with someone you don’t want to.
This weekend you cancel with a wedding based white lie/excuse ‘im so sorry the (photographer/celebrant/wedding dress) needed to see me on the same day’.
Don’t make new plans, say you have a lot of wedding stuff going on and will let her know.
Then in a week or so you message:
“Hey Jane, it’s been nice hanging out with you a few times but I think we just live too far apart to make catching up easy or regular for me, it’s nothing about you, I just have wedding planning and my chronic illness and I need to keep my friendships light. Im certain you’ll find some great people to catch up with, you’re a lovely person!”
Honestly, if she won’t accept that as a decent reason she’s odd and as you’ve only caught up a few times it’s unrealistic of her to be too hurt if things don’t continue.
(I wish our society handled ending friendships better!)
I think it’s important to be honest with her and let her know that while you appreciate the time you’ve spent together, you don’t see things progressing into a long-term friendship. It’s better to be upfront now before she invests more time and energy into the relationship. You could also suggest staying in touch casually through social media or something similar.