I (32M) have been talking to this girl (31F) for about a month and have gotten pretty close. I have feelings for her and at times it really seems like she feels the same way but at others she gets cold and distant and pays little attention to me. It feels like she is playing games and I’m beginning to feel really frustrated and a little resentful even. All of this is causing me to kind of lose interest. I just want something easy and natural not psychological warfare lol. Today, I met another girl through a mutual friend at a cookout. We hit it off right away and had a great conversation. The problem is that we, to some degree, openly flirted a little in front of the aforementioned girl that I have been talking to. I could feel things get akward so I tried to include her in the conversation but every time I looked or turned towards her it seemed like she was kind of purposefully looking away. Part of me wants to continue to pursue her but the hot and cold bullshit that she puts me through is getting really old. My question is if I choose to pursue this new girl instead how can I remain friends with her without it being akward for either of us? I made my intentions pretty clear with her so for me now to openly pursue someone else might make for a weird dynamic and above all I don’t want to hurt her in any way. Any advice on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance everyone!
4 comments
What has she said when you asked her why she was running hot and cold with you?
you cant control how she reacts and it will almost definitely be awkward, at least initially. You also cant avoid hurting her feelings if she has feelings there to be hurt. Thats a part of life. You will hurt ppl. Ppl will hurt you. All you can do is be aware of what you want/need and communicate as respectfully as possible about it.
There’s something more important here which I’ll get into next, but as for friendship, why do you want to remain friends with her if you end up pursuing the other girl? You’re not friends. You’ve known each other for a month. Why would you need to keep her in your life?
Most importantly, let’s put things into perspective just based on how you’ve approached the situation with the first girl; you never asked her out on a date. You’ve wasted time looking for signs, presumably waiting for the “right” moment. There will never be one, because you’ll always find a reason to second guess yourself which is what you’ve been doing.
Accordingly, regardless of what happens with the first girl, you’ll almost certainly put yourself into the same position with the second girl. You say you hit it off with her. Awesome. You going to ask her out on a date? Or are you going to become pen pals with her now?
To back up, let me just say I’m sorry. I realize I’m coming off as mean here, but I want you to know that’s truly not my intention. But I do feel a need to point out the hard truth. The issue (as you’ve presented it) is that you’re not shooting your shot. I’d honestly suggest you ask both of them out on dates and go from there. It might have been shitty to flirt with the other girl (although I’d like to know what you’re suggesting is flirting), but there’s nothing happening with girl 1, and separately, the fact that you’d openly first with someone else would indicate that you’re largely done with her. You could have again just asked her out on a date. You chose your first move to be flirting with someone else. Figure it out.
Have an honest adult conversation. Communicate how she makes you feel and then listen.
If you don’t like her response, communicate to her that your current situation is not working for you and maybe after some time you can be friends but for now you are going to end your relationship and move on. Or something like that.