Original: Should I (28, F) go to my friend’s (31, F) baby shower even though I feel like we’re growing apart? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/12a2555/should_i_28_f_go_to_my_friends_31_f_baby_shower/
I went to the shower. I bought her a gift from the registry that was reasonably priced ($40ish or more) and had it delivered directly to her house. I arrived to the party on time and the vibes were really off. The girls there didn’t greet me as they were still setting up a large balloon arch (I wasn’t early, they just seemed to be running behind). They asked me to help with the balloons and I did, but no one made any small talk towards me. It had the vibe of a room full of people who have been gossiping about you. It could also very well be that they were busy and tired from decorating. Sarah mostly ignored me the entire night. I stayed and chatted with other friends, ooo-d and aww-d at baby gifts and photos, and in no way made her time about me. I won the price is right game they put on (which they said they would give gift cards as prizes but never did). I didn’t mention the prize, my Christmas gift, or my recent birthday. I gave hugs, wrote a thoughtful note in her guest book, and after 2.5 hours excused myself to go to dinner with another group of friends to celebrate my birthday. I don’t regret going, but it is clear this friendship has mostly run its course. It was good closure. I wish her the best and am likely not going to give the relationship much energy moving forward.
Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies to my last post.
TLDR: went to the shower and it went about how we all thought it would go, but it was nice to see friends.
27 comments
This sounds like how my friendship with my ex best friend died except I couldn’t bring myself to attend her birthday party and face her group of friends who I knew she’d spoken about me too, I commend you for going and how you handled the situation.
If nothing else, you have proven yourself to be a good person and a good friend. You can walk away from this situation with your head held high, knowing you acted with grace and generosity. No one can say you didn’t try for Sarah.
But do not waste another second of energy on this friendship.
I think you did the right thing. You went out on good terms and with no regrets. It’s sad, but sometimes friendships naturally end as we move into different stages of life. Maybe your friend (ex-friend sounds more like it) will regret how she treated you.
Either way, she can’t ever be like “She [you] didn’t even come to my baby shower so what kind of friend was she really?”
This is very similar to what I’m going through at the moment. Sometimes friends come in to your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, but it’s always a difficult pill to swallow when you thought the person pulling away was a ‘lifetime’ friend. Well done for showing up with grace, and know that you did everything you could. You can start to grieve now and put your energy into relationships that reciprocate the same energy you give. X
Going through a painful splitting apart of a friendship in my own life. It’s never fun but I think you are doing the right thing. Like me I think you will probably feel a sense of relief having that stress out of your life. It makes you feel really insecure always second guessing your actions.
Its most likely that everything is in your head, I seriously doubt she holds any negative feelings towards you. It’s a hard pill to swallow and it can hurt, but friendships naturally fade. Especially considering she recently got married and had a kid.
Your are classy and I commend you. You ended things gracefully. I hope you had a fun birthday dinner
She sounds like one of those shallow creatures who is not comfortable around anyone who isn’t a perfect reflection of her lifestyle choices. When she decides to have a child, her childfree friends are dropped. If she embraces a religion, all her current friends who don’t embrace that religion will be dropped. When she leaves that religion and starts selling Amway, all her religious friends will be dropped. And so on.
I had a friend like that except we met over having babies and got close fast. It was a fun supportive five years but then she stopped answering my calls when my mom died. Some friendships run their course and its really hard. It was her, that was her M.O. I saw her do it to the friend before me, and move on to the next after me.
According to your previous post, you made being “childfree” part of the identity of your friendship with her. And somehow you are surprised that you’re being treated like a stranger now that she’s pregnant.
Not having kids is a life choice. It’s a perfectly valid one, but it doesn’t define you or other people. When you make it part of your identity, you’re going to find yourself iced out at child-related events like this.
OP this update comes off as very mature. Good job at adutling and being a good person.
You sound like a really good person OP. I’m proud of how you handled that & I hope your bday dinner was lovely.
It sounds like you handled yourself with grace and poise.
You did the right thing. That was a very mature way to deal with it. Well done
I’ve been to a few weddings where I walked out and knew that this was also a send off to our friendship in addition to the wedding itself.
I’ve found the same as you did, that its good closure. I consider the gift (and associated cost) a parting gift. Something to know I did one last nice thing before I likely would never see them again. I actually prefer this to allowing the relationship to fizzle out and feeling like you never really marked a point in time when it ended. You get to share a (hopefully) nice moment as a way to remember them in your life.
I agree with everyone else. You stood the high grown and showed your quality as a person. You don’t owe that friend anymore if you decide.
Sometimes group events feel more hostile than they really are when there’s a tight group of people there and they don’t make an effort to include everyone. It doesn’t always mean they’re assholes, it might just mean theyre bad at hosting events.
If you want to rekindle things, maybe meet for brunch or something 1 on 1 with your friend. That’s really only if you want to though. I think it’s also OK to just recognize you’re not really friends anymore too.
Yeah she’s a user. She looks you up any time something comes up she can get a gift out of you for. I’ve had those friends best to cut them out and move on.
I feel like I am going through this exact same thing with a number of friends in my life. You did the right thing showing up, it’ll be easier to rekindle the friendship later on if you choose too, if not, you showed up and can move on without guilt.
At least now you know! You’ll never have to wonder “what if I had tried” or anything.
This hurts to read because I went through a similar process with a friend and it also ended in a baby shower. It wasn’t a 6 year friendship though, so OP I can only imagine how much that hurt. I hope you had a great birthday and meet more compatible friends.
If you don’t wanna go politely decline advising Yu have a prior engagement that clashes. One thing you can’t learn sooner in life is that you don’t have to draw negativity closer but be unavailable when it calls on you
You seem like a really kind and thoughtful person. Well done on being the person you want to be for yourself. I applaud you and I can say I know I’d want to be your friend.
I hope you had a really awesome birthday.
Do you think that they were gossiping about you because they found your reddit post ?
You were gracious – I bet most people would not have the magnanimity. Don’t sweat it anymore.
This is probably the most mature, and adult way to close out a friendship that has, very obviously, run its course.
That vibe you had? About them likely gossiping about you before you came? I guarantee you your gut is 150% correct. Your ex-friend literally invited you there to get one last drop of blood out of the stone that was your friendship.
Pay them no further mind. You did great!
Sounds like she has lost an exceptional friend. Good luck to ypu and most importantly, happy bornday.