I don’t want to take care of an alcoholic. I want nothing to do with an alcoholic. She lost her dad because her dad is an alcoholic. When she drinks, she always drinks to the point that she can’t hold coherent conversations. Everything else about her is great, I just can’t stand the fucking drinking. When she first drank this much, I didn’t mind. Then she was drunk the whole week. We fought and she agreed to drink only on the weekends. Well on the weekends, she would always grab the biggest possible bottle I would buy for her, then be drunk and unavailable for anything over the entire weekend till Tuesday. So I told her fine, you can only get a small bottle for the weekends 750ml. Well that resulted in the same thing. I realized she had a huge issue with alcohol when it was her father’s final moments and she was too drunk to hold a conversation longer than a minute before forgetting what the conversation was about.
She wanted to see him so I agreed to take her due to her being too drunk to drive (she already planned to see him on that day 2 days prior). I had to repeatedly ask her where his nursing home is, and she would constantly forget what Im asking or where we were going. I even drove up to the wrong nursing home. The fact she drank that much and had a planned day to see her dad before he passes seemed absolutely disrespectful to me. I told her no more alcohol or we’re through. Well, me being a stupid naive guy trying to be a good boyfriend decided to let her only drink the tiny shots because I didnt want her to have 0 fun (i like alcohol too). I bought her a pack of 15 mini bottles 43%, and told her only 2 a weekend. I woke up today seeing all of them gone except for 4. Should I just call it quits.
Tl;dr: Should I just give up the relationship?
Edit: Thank you all for the advice. Against my better judgement, I have given her an ultimatum that if she touches another drop of alcohol, we’re done and that I will be packing everything up
48 comments
Run. I thought I could fix someone like this, but they always went back to the bottle. I was able to walk away and ignore the call to come back, but it was too late. I had become an alcoholic too. It took me 30 years to get sober. My life is great now, but that’s 30 years I’ll never get back.
Like father, like daughter. She has to help herself first.
Get out. She’ll drag you down with her.
This isn’t something you can control. There’s more driving this than a simple lack of will power. She needs help; you can encourage her to get help, but you can’t force her and bargaining with her about how much she can drink is simply not the way to go. She has to *want* things to be different for herself.
Sometimes losing jobs, relationships, and family is what drives people to want to change. But right now, alcohol is more important than you. You’re not a bad person for walking away.
You can’t fix this. Save your self and your sanity
How long have you been together? You can’t control her issues and her drinking, it’s not on you to control that. She needs to want to quit, otherwise this is an uphill battle.
Alcohol matters more to her than any relationship. You can’t fix that and you’ll destroy yourself trying.
She needs rehab, or AA, not a partner right now
Oh man, I could see my bf writing this. I’m so glad I quit drinking. Jesus Christ
>Thank you all for the advice. Against my better judgement, I have given her an ultimatum that if she touches another drop of alcohol, we’re done and that I will be packing everything up
This probably isn’t going to work. She’s an addict and addicts don’t just stop, not until they want to. The hard truth is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. By all means, give it try, but prepare yourself for the fact that this probably won’t go the way you want it to. Encourage her to try therapy and/or addiction counselling, it’s her best chance.
This probably isn’t going to work. She’s an addict and addicts don’t just stop, not until they want to. The hard truth is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. By all means, give it try, but prepare yourself for the fact that this probably won’t go the way you want it to. Encourage her to try therapy and/or addiction counselling, it’s her best chance.
I was your gf in this story a long time ago, and yes, you’re gonna have to back away. You can’t fix and/or control this and it’s just gonna drag you down. Let her go. People walking away from me one by one is what opened my eyes in the end when I was all alone and forced to face reality.
I am afraid you will need moving boxes.
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It may sound callous, but the only responsibility you have is to (and for) yourself.
I lost years of my life taking care of people who couldn’t be bothered to take care of themselves. Get out now.
She is an alcoholic.
She needs more than an ultimatum. She needs professional help.
>I don’t want to take care of an alcoholic. I want nothing to do with an alcoholic.
There is your answer. Negotiating with her will not help, unfortunately. Get out before it really gets ugly.
She needs more help than you can do yourself and right now you are an enabler. The fact that you are drinking around her because you need to have fun too is a red flag that you may also need to try AA.
Shocked over here that after the first time, you kept buying her alcohol. Reads like both of you are bad influences upon each other. A shot or two for fun, is not acceptable when trying to help an alcoholic. The fact that you thought it was is a major red flag for your own behavior and hers.
Both of you need professional help, drinking damages your brain & kidneys and studies have recently found out that even casual drinking is damaging.
I really hate to say this but it is the truth. I have overcome my own struggle with alcohol addiction, so I know what I’m talking about. She has a severe drinking problem. That’s really a symptom of an underlying “spiritual” problem. The drinking is a way of coping with intense emotions that she can’t face. There’s not a whole lot YOU can do for her, except be a friend. She needs to go to rehab, or at least get serious about AA. She needs that professional community for support, or she won’t be able to quit. It’s too hard. This is serious. She can do it, but it is a hard battle to face. I wish you luck.
You might try posting this in r/AlAnon… People there seem to get it since they’ve been through a lot of the same experiences
My best friend was a severe alcoholic. Instead of dealing with her problems first, she met someone who later fathered a child with her. She hid the alcoholism from him at first, but after a while she couldn’t anymore. By the time he saw the full picture, it was too late. They were both deeply unhappy for a long time. Years later, things escalated, there were messy custody hearings, and she ultimately ended up dying of an overdose leaving him and two kids behind. Please don’t be that guy. Let her deal with her problems on her own instead of having a relationship that might alter you forever.
Edit to add: your ultimatum won’t change anything, I can almost certainly promise you.
She’s an alcoholic; she can’t not drink another drop of alcohol any more than you can fly to the moon by clicking your heels three times. She can’t just suddenly quit, because she would almost certainly go into withdrawals if she is drinking an entire week to the point of incoherent inebriation/staying drunk for three? days straight. She needs serious, concentrated help, whether you stay by her side or not. It’s very obvious, given you bought her a 15 pack of booze and she went through eleven of them PLUS she couldn’t even be sober to visit her father.
The only thing your ultimatum will do is she will try to hide the alcohol and pretend she’s not drinking and it could lead to some catastrophic event, like her driving drunk or drinking too much to the point of death.
I too dated an alcoholic and I highly highly regret getting into that relationship and spending so much damn time and effort. Leave man, please.
From a fellow recovered alcoholic. You cannot help her. I will have 5 years sober from alcohol in July this year. I was where she is at now. She needs a true awakening, detox, and rehab. This is not anything you can control. I would start to build boundaries and back away for your own sanity and safety. Wish her a good life and leave.
I would highly suggest leaving and never looking back. Yes it will hurt and yes it’s easier said than done but addicts don’t stop until they hit rock bottom and she will drag you down with her.
Her road to recovery is going to involve not having any alcohol in her environment. That means if you choose to stay with her, you can’t be drinking either.
OP,
Yes. You need to let her go and let her hit rock bottom. You can’t fix her alcoholism only she can do that. Get out, move on, and continue your search buddy. You may want to get some therapy if dating broken people in need of saving is a habit of yours.
Good luck OP 👍🏽
Attend an Al-Anon meeting or read some Al-Anon stories to see what your future could be, and decide if she’s worth that.
This is a lifelong struggle and if your not willing to take care of her then just leave. Also there is no middle ground. You can say “only drink on the weekends” with addicts. It’s all or nothing.
You said the most irresponsible thing that you bought her the biggest bottle your not helping buy buying her alcohol, second I would leave this situation let her go down herself don’t let her drag you with her walk away she needs to help herself and love herself before she can love someone else . She has to many issues with alcohol she needs to work on it would be a good time to let her understand your serious and walking away and won’t put up with it
I left my alcoholic fiancé 3 years ago. I gave my ex fiancé that same ultimatum, that also included I would be filing full custody of our daughter.
Alcohol wasn’t the only reason, but was a majority of it. She was also abusive towards me and our daughter. She didn’t take care of her self, didn’t let me get her help. She would hit me, bite me, yell at me, gas light me any time we argued about her drinking. She would even injure herself and tell her friends I was abusing her. (I recorded all of our fights after the first time she hit me for my own safety). After we split up, I had to leave my daughter because I wasn’t on the birth certificate. She crashed with our daughter in the car 2 months after I moved out, with a BAC of .408. It could have been much worse but no one was injured. I got my full custody, and she still to this day is a drunk.
You can’t help her. She HAS to help herself. I nearly destroyed myself and risked my daughters life (literally) trying to help her. Me, her daughter, nothing has been enough to get her to stop. Her life is still in shambles because she just refuses to get help for her alcoholism and it’s cost her quite literally everything. It’s time to think of yourself and take care of yourself.
This person has a serious addiction/illness and needs treatment. She almost definitely won’t be able to quit cold turkey without significant support services. You can’t really be in a relationship like that. If you really love her focus on getting her help and nothing else. Or hand the problem to her family and walk away.
Man she is beyond controlling it. You can’t reason with an alcoholic, or anyone in active addiction. She is absolutely in active addiction. If you’re done be done, because she will be drunk at the next opportunity, and she will be sorry when she sobers up. But you’re currently dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and they don’t talk to each other.
Start going to Al-Anon
She doesn’t need a boyfriend, she needs a treatment center to dry out in, 30 days sober with meetings and a support group, and to want to do that on her own. You can’t make her. Unless you actually do leave (because without help she’s going to be drinking again) you are going to keep moving the goalposts and are currently her enabler.
Go to Al-anon and learn about co-dependency.
So.. I see that you’ve already made a decision, but I just want to add some advice..
Your girlfriend needs help with this. Like AA at the very least. If she needs more help to get alcohol out of her system, rehab.
She clearly has a problem. Her dad had it, too. So please.. if you want her to stop, don’t have her do it alone. And absolutely don’t give or buy her a single drop. Alcoholics don’t stop at 1-2. It just keeps fueling the fire.
If she needs help with things emotionally, therapy. Sometimes alcoholics use drinking as a way to cope. It’s a terrible idea. My point, though, is that she needs help. Professional help. And a support system.
I hope that helps.
First statement was good enough to tell you to put her in a AA meeting and yes dumping her is a choice no one will judge you for
As a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober) I can tell you that no one could stop me from drinking. Not my wife. Not my kids. Not my friends. Not my family. No one. I had to make that call when I was ready to face it. What all the previously mentioned people could do, was support me when I did finally make that decision. I lost some of them in the process. Your ultimatum likely won’t work. It’s not that simple. She can’t just stop something like this. She’ll lie. She’ll hide it from you and she’ll keep on doing it. It’s what we do. She needs help but she’ll need to see that herself. What I would encourage you to do (if you can) is to be there for her when she’s ready and when she gets sober. Perhaps not as a romantic partner but just as someone who cares. I said that I lost some people in my journey to sobriety, well, I kept some too and to those people I owe my life. Good luck to you and her.
Coming from a former alcoholic, married to an alcoholic, you cannot change their behavior. All you can do is stand your own ground and enforce your own boundaries. For instance, I tell my husband that if he absolutely feels he needs to drink he needs to go to his parents house and get drunk there. Because they’re alcoholics and they’ll get drunk with him whether he has a problem or not. Personally, I got sober 10 years ago because I do not want to my child to be around someone who is drunk.
Other than his drinking, my husband is honestly perfect. I have a chronic illness and he works full-time and helps me as much as he can. Which is hard for him because I used to take care of everything and he went to work. Sometimes he has to do both because I can’t even move. And he does it without complaining and with so much love and and compassion. What I’m trying to say it has nothing to do with how much they love you or if they are a good or bad person. That doesn’t even matter. They are a person with an addiction that is stronger than them and stronger than you.
Your only choices are to leave her or to figure out how you can maintain your own happiness, boundaries and self respect in spite of her drinking. Good luck friend.
So sorry. She may need to hit her own rock bottom. Please just remember that alcoholism is a disease. If she wants to quit, there are many resources for help. I highly recommend Allen Carr’s strategy for giving up alcohol. His “stop drinking now” approach helps you shift your perspective about alcohol. Here’s a YouTube link to an overview of one of his books. https://youtu.be/bIv7WcuGNhc
I wish you both the very best.
OP, just start packing now. Please leave and never look back.
Giving her an ultimatum of if you touch another drop of alcohol probably wasn’t the EXACT right way to do it. Certainly to seek rehab, or detox, or AA or all of the above.
If she really drinks as often as you say, there is a chance that quitting cold Turkey could cause some serious medical problems as she goes through withdrawl.
I would. You gave an ultimatum and I hope you hold her to it
She’s an alcoholic. Alcoholics do not make good life partners.
I didn’t see anyone say this but you mentioned that you too like to drink. With her drinking this bad, if she stops and you stay together, you have to quit too. No matter how hard you try to not drink around her, it’ll be too big a temptation for her. It’ll take just one “I’ll just have one glass” and all sobriety is out the window. It’s a LOT to deal with at an age you should be enjoying. If you stay it’s gotta be 100%.
Ultimatums don’t do shit in situations like these. Your relationship is not and never will be stronger than addiction. You are setting yourself up for more disappointment and heartbreak. Leave now
That goes for you too buck-o. I have heard many stories where 1 partner is saying the other one “always drinks” but partner 1 is the one starting the drinking. So you can’t say, I can drink but you can’t. Also, you can’t allow for your both to have a drink when it suits you and subsequently be mad at her for getting drunk. I would bet both of you have a problem with drinking.
Look up codependency. What you are doing is, whether you appreciate it or not, trying to help while also enabling her. The reality is that with you she will continue to drink, she knows how to manipulate you, and despite your claims you don’t want to deal with alcoholics you are significantly more tolerant of it then most people would be. I know all this is hard to hear, but you have to see the ways in which you contradict yourself or you will be stuck in that loop permanently.
The ultimatum isn’t for her. It is for you. It is to see if you really are able to walk away. Otherwise be aware you’ll likely watch her destroy herself because her drinking isn’t just alcoholism, it is very extreme.