My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months, we don’t live together but he stays at my house 4-5 days a week. We are planning on renting a house together in a few months once both of our current leases end. We have been looking non-stop at properties and today my boyfriend was pulling up an email to show me a rental. He was holding his phone up so we could both look at the screen and as he was pulling up his emails I saw an email titled “You have received new matches on Tinder.” I have not once suspected him of cheating and was really caught off guard by the email. I asked him why he was getting new matches on Tinder. He became irate and started yelling, saying he doesn’t even use Tinder anymore, that he doesn’t know why he got that email and that he can’t believe I was bringing that up. Then he immediately left my house, not giving me a chance to speak. He then called me yelling saying I’m crazy and how dare I accuse him of cheating. I said I wasn’t accusing him of cheating but that is was suspicious that he had recieved that email and that he still had Tinder. To clarify, HE asked me to be his girlfriend and wanted to be exclusive and we both agreed to delete our Tinders. I completely deleted my account. He apparently only deleted the app off his phone and is claiming the matches are super old and he must of swiped on someone awhile back and they just now swiped on him and that’s why he got the email. I really want to believe him, but I’m not sure. I am being naive? Does Tinder even send you emails of matches you swiped on months ago? Could he be telling the truth? This has caused a huge fight and he is saying I am the one that needs to apologize for not trusting him. I don’t think I did anything wrong by bringing it up, and now I’m having second thoughts on getting a place with him.
47 comments
Regardless of whether he is telling the truth or not, his reaction to your question shows you his true colors. He is incapable of having a difficult conversation, resorting to pure anger instead of sitting down with you and either coming clean, or proving that he is not attempting to connect with other women.
He’s guilty as hell! If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be acting like that. Consider this your wake-up call.
His reaction is the problem here. I wouldn’t move in with him yet. There are signs of a real anger problem. He also seems emotionally immature and unable to have healthy disagreements. Huge red flags here.
* GF see’s emails of recent tinder matches.
* GF (rightfully so) causally mentions it
* BF explodes and results in massive argument.
However… According to google:
>According to Tinder, if your account has been inactive for more than 7 days, you won’t be visible at all. On the other hand, if you actually delete your account, your profile will be removed completely. If you download the app and create a new account, you’ll now be starting from scratch
Given his reaction, I feel that is pretty telling of his behaviour.
It’s a classic “Flip the script and make you the bad person”.
If he deleted the app, his profile would be removed from the selection pool of people within 7 days. Meaning, no one would be able to swipe on his profile, impossible to get new matches unless he was still active on app.
You have to active on the app in order to be swiped on…
So yes, your second thoughts about getting a place with him are absolutely valid.
Regardless of the above… Anyone with a sound mind would understand the inquiry of recent tinder matches. Which should have resulted in a reasonable explanation instead of this massive blow up.
I think you got the answers you’re looking for, just need to read between the lines and accept it…
This unreasonable reaction is more problematic than the email. If there were a reasonable explanation for the email he would have explained it like a normal person. His default when caught in a lie is to rage and yell at you. Ask yourself if this is really someone you want to move in with.
The fact that he got a Tinder email notification is almost beside the point given how aggressively he responded. His reaction is INCREDIBLY problematic, both in how suspicious it is and more importantly – how abusive it is. Yelling at you? Calling you crazy?? That is how abusers behave. They fly off the handle, project their behavior onto you, and essentially use fear (e.g. of more yelling and name-calling) to escape any accountability.
My boyfriend saw an icon on my notification bar that he mistook for a Tinder notification. When he asked about it (calmly, as did you I’m assuming) I showed him what the icon actually was and assured him that my Tinder account was paused. So was his. We used the moment to permanently delete our profiles. He thanked me for being patient with his moment of insecurity. I told him I was glad he spoke up about his worry. The conversation brought us closer together. (We were dating 7 months at that point, btw).
What I didn’t do is yell at him, call him crazy, and storm off. I would only do those things if I was a jerk who was being shady and my partner caught me. Unless you make a habit of baselessly accusing your boyfriend of cheating, the only real explanation for his reaction is that he has something to hide and he’s pissed that you discovered his little secret. Absolutely you should rethink living together with him.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (there are free PDFs available online) and see if your boyfriend’s behavior fits a pattern of emotional abuse.
He doth protest too much.
Go with your gut. His overreaction is quite telling. If I were you, I’d renew my lease and not waste anymore time with lover boy.
I mean, if he’s not cheating, he’s trying to. His reaction says plenty, including that he’s the type of person you should want to stay the hell away from. So do that.
You absolutely cannot move in together. He shouldn’t be getting upset for having inappropriate notifications on his phone while in a committed relationship. This is behavior of a guilty man that is deflecting blame on you. His app and account should have been completely deleted and unsubscribed from notifications. However, that is not the case and opened himself to continue the temptation. So he is absolutely cheating on you and seeing what his other options are.
The email + his reaction = he’s 100% lying to you. At *best* he’s planning/hoping to cheat on you.
He got incredibly angry and defensive. Huge red flag to me. Don’t apologize and reassess this relationship
Well, at least you don’t need to worry about looking for a house with him anymore. What a fuckin child he is
His reaction to you asking him about the email from tinder is 100% the definition of gaslighting. I wouldn’t move in with this guy. Good luck
EX-BOYFRIEND, seriously cannot believe this is even a question
My ex husband used to freak out and get mad when I caught him in a lie… he was lying this projecting.
His reaction tells you everything that you need to know. He’s wayyyyy too old to be playing these stupid games. Kick his ass back to the streets where he belongs and find someone worthy.
Yeah, I wouldn’t move forward with a man that blows up that easily. I wouldn’t want to live in constant fear that he will blow up at anything I do or say. Funk all that. I like a chill environment.
It’s pretty common when someone is a piece of shit and does something wrong they’ll often lash out with extreme anger. Cheaters do this pretty often when they’re caught cheating. They’re hoping this imprints in your brain so that in the future if you ever catch them in the act again you’ll remember the time he showed some extreme anger and rather than bring it up you’ll just drop it.
Also there’s a good chance he left the house right away before you had the chance to speak was so that he could go delete off all the evidence off his phone. I guarantee he’ll come back calm next time he sees you and say “babe go ahead and go through my phone. You can trust me, because all evidence has now been wiped clean”
What your bf did is classic DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. You saw the Tinder match ups, mentioned it and he blew up at you. He denies it’s recent, can’t believe you brought it up. He leaves then calls and makes himself the victim of your nasty attack on his faithfulness. The odds are very high that he’s still on Tinder looking for matchups. His behavior is not mature and is very suspect.
Do not get a place with him at this point. You need to have an adult conversation with him about what’s going on with him. If he can’t do that, it is time to show him the door permanently.
ETA: He’s a little old to be having temper tantrums and behaving like a 19 year old.
My mom got an email like that and she doesn’t have a tinder account. And before you think I’m delusional, my mom is single and I would love for her to have a boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s spam or a scam or what, but it can happen I guess. His reaction is over the top though, if he started yelling out of nowhere.
He’s a liar and he’s showing you, NOW, that he’s not worth your time or effort and is undeserving of your company.
I highly recommend NOT signing a lease with this man. He’s really helping you to dodge a bullet .. don’t step in front of it.
I’ve been with my gf 3 years and still get random emails suggesting matches from POF every couple of months. I have no idea why and just don’t care enough to figure out how to stop it. That said, his response was way over the top. Hell, even if it was innocent, his reaction is still a major red flag
Oh hey it’s the red flag parade! Fun!
“I’m not gaslighting you! You’re just crazy!!!!” /s
It’s not what you want to hear but you have to really consider if you want to be with someone who goes apeshit over a reasonable question.
I mean, if I had to bet a mortgage payment, I’d go with the man is cheating. But even if he isn’t, he can’t have a very reasonable discussion about some seriously suspicious circumstances? That’s not relationship material right there.
This seriously sounded like a deer in the headlights moment for him
If he was truthful he would have sat down and gone thru his tinder profile with you to settle your nerves and then you could both delete it properly together
That’s what normal behaviour in a relationship looks like
This reminds me of the Simpsons where Homer forgets his anniversary and when questioned he denies forgetting and then races upstairs out the window and down to the quick e mart.
It could be possible that it was a spam email, I get those all the time even though I’ve never had Tinder. BUT why is he getting so angry about it? There’s no reason to get that upset about pointing out an email that both of you can clearly see unless he’s doing something shady and is trying to deflect from it. I wouldn’t move in with him ever.
Tinder or no Tinder, his reaction should be all you need to see that his response was manipulative and abusive.
Be glad you were enlightened before signing a lease with that guy.
He is cheating on you.
If you continue your “relationship” with him you will have only yourself to blame.
Yeah I deleted my app two years ago when I met my boyfriend, never bothered to delete the actual account because it goes invisible, never had an email in those two years so I call bullshit
His behavior says gaslighting. I mean he could of had it previously, I still get emails occasionally and I haven’t used it in over 3 years. But if that was the case he wouldn’t have done what he did.
Lol girl bffr we know what he’s doing
That is a very normal reaction from a sane person who is not cheating on your and does not feel guilty. Just kidding, dump him, dude is cheating on you and if not he’s trying to.
The way he is reacting say everything you need to know.
He got angry.
He yelled at you.
Left instead of talking about it.
Called you crazy.
Accused you of thinking he’s cheating
Also 8 months snd you’re taking a lease with him?
Consider this a gift from the universe that you find out right now instead of when you’re living together.
He can’t have a rational conversation because he’s been caught. The way he jumps to the story of an old batch probably finally matching with him shows he’s quick on that lie.
Do with all this what you want but this is a red flag and I think you know what to do. Even if he is not cheating, this is not someone you want to build a life with because problems will never get solved. The way he spoke to you is absolutely not okay.
From personal experience: RUN!!!!!
Methinks he doth protest too much.
He cheating. He projecting.
He is for the streets.
Holy gaslighting, Batman!
But in all seriousness, this behavior from him is a HUGE red flag 🚩. I would cut and run if I were you OP. This sounds like it’s only the tip of the iceberg.
There is zero reason to be angry over your question. Zero.
Stomping off to shut down snot conversation is controlling and jerky behavior.
Calling you crazy? Very bad behavior
DO NOT get a place with him
From where I sit, it’s the strikes he’s out.
My money is he’s on tinder and lying to you
None of his behavior can be defended
I’ve never used Tinder , have no idea how to either , yet I’ve had 2 junk emails this month saying I’ve matched on there.
Pointed them out to my husband and we laughed about it . So it’s possible that it was junk mail but it still seems like an overreaction on his part though.
His reaction was extreme. I’d hold off on renting a home together.
You know what people do when they’re lying? They get defensive and react aggressively and intimidate you on purpose to get you to drop it. If he was telling the truth, he WOULD NOT have gotten that email in the first place! Think about it, the only way someone gets new matches is if they also swiped right on someone they liked. If he just deleted the app but didn’t deactivate that account, he wouldn’t have gotten that email 8 MONTHS LATER
>I am being naive?
Yes.
When my partner got an email like that and I asked him about it his reaction was to download the app and do the whole “forgot password” thing so it would pop up saying there was no account with that email. Then we looked closer and realized it was a scam email. He thanked me for addressing it with him instead of stewing, and also for not accusing him. I thanked him for understanding where I was coming from and immediately putting my mind at ease and we went on with our lives together. Your boyfriend is abusive and probably cheating on you, get std tested.
Wether he is guilty of cheating or not, his response is troubling. I wouldn’t move in with him at this time. I would sign another lease and I wouldn’t apologize or make any contact.
He automatically went on the defence to your innocent question. That says everything there.
That email saved your ass from the worst mistake of your life.
Do not move in with this man.
He will gaslight you constantly, and become very comfortable raging at you whenever confronted with anything that requires a discussion. He is emotionally incapable of a mature relationship.
This man will become abusive, & it will be extremely traumatizing to get away if you live with him. I have been there. It was 3 years of hell back & forth with “breaks” & breakups before it was finally for good, I had enough of his shit.