I met my now-ex three years back. He is 24M and I am 27F. We have been dating for 2.5 years.
Right from the start it was a serious relationship. He told me how madly in love he was, and how he wants me forever. He used to talk of breathing our lasts together, having kids, having a house, etc.
This happened 3 days ago. I asked him when we are going to get married. He said it can take him 6 years at the very least. I was a bit reluctant because talks of marriage were already happening in my family .
He was very stubbirn about 6 years and not really open to discussion. I was reluctantly going to agree to 6 years, when he said
“Not really sure about that also. It can take me another 3-4 years after that. You should leave you deserve better”.
He said he is ending the relationship.
He also said that he had never thought about a future with me seriously, but he had told me atleast 15-20 times in the last 2 years how he had everything “figured out” and how he cannot imagine any other woman.
Now , before you conclude anything-
1) I didn’t ask for marriage. Just asked for a timeframe you can say
2) What shocked and hurt the most was that he was not open to any discussion?? He didn’t even ask for more time to think?? A day or two?? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
3) How can someone give up this easily if they really love you?? Without even a discussion?
Appears as if he just FLED at the mere mention of marriage!
TL;DR He left when I brought up marriage
5 comments
So did you guys never have a serious talk about marriage and “the future”? The way you wrote this, it makes it seem like he said all the silly but romantic things about wanting to be together forever but that is NOT the same as actually having a serious discussion about your individual expectations and desired timelines.
>How can someone give up this easily if they really love you?? Without even a discussion?
Well that’s the rub, isn’t it? I think when people are actually really in love, they will at least try to discuss the hard things and make some effort to figure it out together. The fact he didn’t even wanna talk about it says a lot about who he really is. Seems like you dodged a big bullet actually.
>Appears as if he just FLED at the mere mention of marriage!
Not really…he did give a timeline. It doesn’t sound like he said he is 100% against marriage and will never get married. There honestly isn’t anything wrong with him saying 6 years or possibly even more. Everyone’s got their own timelines but it’s not totally matching up with what YOU want, so you guys are incompatible.
>I was reluctantly going to agree to 6 years
Don’t diminish or put aside your own needs and desires like this. You don’t get points for sacrificing what you want for yourself in order to force an incompatible relationship into “working”. If there’s incompatibility, it’s just not gonna work, no matter how much you try to self-sacrifice.
Two options, cold feet or he was just stringing you along until he found someone he liked better. Pull away and maintain minimal contact. If he wants to get back together and apologizes, it was cold feet. If he stays away, he was stringing you along.
> “You should leave you deserve better”
This means “I don’t want to be with you anymore and I’m just gonna say a lot of crap you don’t want to hear so that you leave.”
He knew you wanted to get married, but he wanted out of the relationship without having the guts to just leave. So he told you “6 years”, thinking that this would make you end it. And when you seemed to agree to that, he tacked on a few more years because *wow, how much is needed to scare her away?* and then he, to drive the point home, even told you that you should leave.
So no, he didn’t “give up easily because he really loved you”. He doesn’t love you anymore, that’s why he said all those things. He wanted you to end it. When you didn’t, no matter what he said, he went through with it after all, but it would have been more comfortable for him if you had done it.
What he did was choosing the coward’s way. Instead of spelling out that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, he tried behaving in a way that would make you be the “bad guy” walking away. Maybe he was scared of what others would think of him, maybe he thought it would be easier for you this way or maybe it simply was less bothersome if you would have done it – we don’t know, but it’s clear that he wanted out.
If this was truly because of you bringing up marriage is very doubtful. I strongly suspect that he was just waiting for something to come along he could use to have you break up with him. And the marriage-topic just ended up being the one you brought up. Pretty sure his decision of not wanting to be with you anymore had been made long before this talk.
Well I mean he is only 24. You didn’t consider his age in all of this?
>I didn’t ask for marriage. Just asked for a timeframe you can say
You did ask for marriage. Asking when are we getting married IS asking for marriage — and that’s fine.
But be honest about it. You deserve to explore these questions so you won’t waste your time. No one wants to wait 6 years and then not even know if marriage is a possibility.