Last night, my (30f) spouse (30m) of 10 years broke down and told me he thinks he has HPV because of warts down there.
At one point, he said he thought I gave it to him, that he had it before we got together, and that it must have been dormant until now while he’s had struggles with his immune system because of a medical condition. (How could I give it to him AND it also be an issue before we got together? I don’t know.) He said he’s kept it from me because it went away until now.
Now he’s concerned I think he’s cheated and is telling me I can leave our marriage without a fight because I will never trust him again and that this will always be an issue. His words were “I’m a monster” and “this is going to tear our family apart” and “I’m going to lose my family over this”.
What makes it even worse for me is that my mom has terminal cervical cancer that she got from HPV, given to her by a cheating spouse. I have gone with her to chemo, seen her at her worst, and continue to support her. He knows what that diagnosis put my family through so even if he didn’t cheat, it clearly says he didn’t care about my health and that really bothers me.
I have deep trauma, including by him, so I have this fawning response where I just kind of go numb to the issue until it is forgotten. Also I feel guilty for thinking the worst and for being hurt but from what I’ve read, it’s wrong that he kept this from me, especially while telling me I might have given it to him, or that I’m the bad guy for being hurt. I just also feel weird that he keeps harking on about the cheating stuff and with other things he’s said, it just kind of sends up red flags? I also don’t want to be close minded because it totally could be the truth, that it’s been a dormant thing. It’s not a death sentence or anything, just a concern that we need to be aware of.
If you have any advice or maybe there are some questions I could ask him or things I could research or learn about, any advice would be helpful! Thank you for reading and hopefully this can be resolved.
4 comments
Uh… Pretty much everybody has HPV. Not exaggerating, it’s like 80% of the population. There’s also literally no way to test it for men. So everybody involved should just chill.
[deleted]
I’ve been married to my wife for over 30 years. We have struggled in the bedroom for many years and still do. She went to get a medical check-up and tested positive for HPV. She was unsure how to tell me. We had the talk, and we tried not to freak out out. I have never been unfaithful!After a great deal of research, it was determined that she most likely aquired the virus at a young age, and it laid dormant. She had had several pap smears that were abnormal years ago.
He definitely cheated so he’s giving you an out.
Tell him before you make any rash decisions, you want him to take a polygraph test.