So, an important piece of context: we’re from latin america!!! and you know how extreme latin america’s señoras can get with religion
Anyway, all my life I’ve been raised in a super conservative catholic home. At some point I was brainwashed too and was super into it, but I slowly but surely drifted away from it since I was like 20.
My mother, on the other hand, only grew more attached to it, specially after she retired. Everything she does is go to church, she’s super involved.
I tried to do the basic which was going to mass with her every sunday. I think I did it constantly until covid hit and no one could go, and when things got better I didn’t go back OF COURSE. She kept asking me why I wasn’t going, why had I “distanced myself from god” and “what had Jesus done to me” and stuff like that… I told her that I just didn’t feel like going. Never made a big deal out of it, just left it at “I don’t want to go” (which should be enough, right?!?!?)
Well, anyway, I think that now would be a good time to say that my relationship with her is not good. I don’t hate her or anything, she’s been a providing mother and I respect her for that, but also I don’t trust her, I’m not open about my life with her, and I’ve hid many, many things from her (as they say, strict parents raise liar kids). I moved overseas in 2021 and I am now living with my sister (who is also very catholic but much more open minded and doesn’t push her beliefs into people like my mother does).
My mother is coming to visit us for a month in june, and she’s been repeatedly telling me that I should go to church again, to seek god, and so on. Lately she’s been restorting to the “do it for my sake” (which is emotional blackmail and I told her and she just brushed it off). Today the three of us were on a videocall and she told me again, to what I remained completely silent and after some moments just changed the subject. But in my mind I was asking myself the question I’m asking to you, reddit: how do I confront her about this?
I guess I should explain what I think I feel: I don’t want to go to church because, so far, I haven’t seen anyone who’s genuinely benefited from it, on the other hand, I think A LOT of people that are oh so super religious are extremely judgemental, close-minded, classist, egocentric, etc.etc. And also let’s not forget what the church thinks about LGBTQ and abortion, both things I fully support.
As I mentioned before, I have never been too open with her about what I think or feel, so confronting her about this is really hard, first because I am in general a conflict avoider, second because I know it’s important for her, and third because I don’t want her to think I’m worshipping satan or something.
How do you tell a 60ish year old lady whose life completely revolves around serving god that you don’t want to be a part of that, respectfully?
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tl;dr I don’t know how to tell my super convervative catholic mother that I don’t want anything to do with the church without generating a tense environment
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thank you 🙂
13 comments
Be honest with her but be kind about it. Remember that this is something very important to your mother and she worries about you, which is why she wants you to be in church. So be honest and tell her why you are not going. Ask her to stop talking about it with you because you do not want it to become between the two of you and ruin your relationship. Ask her to respect your right to make your own decision about your faith, just like you respect her right to make a different decision about faith. Everyone should get to decide for themselves.
But be gentle and kind about it — just like you would want her to be with you.
Hang up the phone, end the video chat, etc. when she brings it up. She knows you’re not interested; the way you enforce your boundaries is by not being around or talking to people who won’t respect your “no”.
Once she realizes she can’t bully you into going to church or believing her religious views, she will hopefully let it go, but you actually have to enforce consequences to make that happen (you’re done talking to her for that day – or week, or however long you want to go – if she mentions you going to church or anything about your religious beliefs/practice). Definitely cancel her visit if she does it again (you can warn her first, and when she doesn’t pay attention to your warning, remind her that you told her this would be the consequence), and do not host her when she visits (assuming she can stick to the rule) under any circumstances, because you need to be able to walk away if she starts in again on you going to church while she’s visiting, and you can’t do that if she’s staying at your place.
Why would you confront her? Neither of you is changing the other’s mind. She’s going to continue to tell you to go to church & you’re going to continue not to go. This will continue to happen with or without a dramatic “confrontation.”
Save yourself the brain damage.
Every time she tells you to get religion, just say, “Not today, Mama. Keep praying for me.”
Done.
Latina here, en mas o menos la misma situación. At some point I just stopped trying to explain myself and simply said no, “I don’t want to.” Remember that no is a complete sentence
I was in your position about five years ago. Not Latin but Polish Catholic, very religious mother. I was going to church only to appease my mom. She goes to church every day and her life revolves around the community. It works for her and there is nothing wrong with those who do.
I know a lot of people here are saying “just say no” and shut her down when she asks which may work too, but this is what I did and now her and I have a good relationship.
I had to have a really tough conversation one day where I told her that I am very thankful for the life and teachings the church gave me as a kid and that it has given me some great values. However, I do not find myself pulled towards going to church every Sunday and although I respect those who do, it would be lovely to have the respect reciprocated back. I told her that I do not feel guilty whatsoever and that I can still be a good person without going to church every week. I told her that I found myself lying to her about a lot of things (like going to church) and that I no longer want to do that because I’d rather be honest with her even if it’s not what she wants to hear. Ask your mom if she would also prefer this. It was quite difficult for my mom but it was a necessary conversation that she ultimately accepted and now our relationship is really good. I am sure she would love it and hopes that I one day go back to church regularly but for the time being she doesn’t bug me about it.
Hope this helps!
“Mom I’m an adult now. I appreciate my upbringing but I have my own values now and going to church isn’t one of them. I’m sorry if that upsets you but you believe God is all knowing and forgiving so drop it if you want a relationship with me. If your relationship with God doesn’t allow this then so be it.”
*”Hey mom, I really appreciate your desire to see me more active with the church again and I know it means a lot to you, but truthfully, I just don’t feel my values align with it anymore. I will always carry a lot of the moral values bestowed upon me from the things both you and the church have taught me and I fully intend to be the best possible version of myself I can be, and I’ll always have my own personal relationship with God. I just don’t feel the church is something that reflects my beliefs anymore. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from, and I hope this can be a topic we move past together, I’ll always do my utmost to make you proud of me, but being an active member of the church isn’t something I feel serves me anymore and it’s also something I don’t want to fight or argue about. I hope you can understand.”*
Would be how I’d approach it.
“I respect your beliefs and would never attempt to pull you away from them. I think it’s reasonable to expect you to show me the same respect. I will not be discussing this with you anymore.” Then just don’t. Hang up the phone or leave the room if she starts nagging you about it again. Every time.
Ask her if God is forcing you to go. She should know god gives us free will.
I had to have a conversation with my parents when I lost my faith and they were pushing for me to join them at church.
I just told them that for a while before I stopped going to church, I was just going through the motions. I told them that in attending mass during that time, it felt disingenuous and made me feel even more disconnected from my faith.
I asked that they respect the journey I was on and when the time came where I felt ready to return to services, I would. After that, they did not continue to ask. I still attend church for weddings, funerals, and other important family events, but not outside of those.
Not sure if that conversation would be possible for you to have with your mother, but it worked out well for me.
You just say it straight out, list it like you did here. I’d do it BEFORE she comes out though, because she may end up cancelling her trip, and then honestly, that’s for the best, because we all know that when she comes out, she’ll be riding your ass about going to church NON-STOP.
As a child, I always wondered why I had to go to Church to speak with Jesus. Doesn’t he know where I live?? Once I realized I could chat with him any time I wanted, I no longer felt the need to ‘prove’ anything to anyone by showing up at a designated time and place.
Old people are lonely – they do this as a way of socialization. I already have friends, thanks.
Old people are watching the sands of the hourglass run out, and trying to get in as many “God points” as they can. Why not instead just live a good, ethical life? God will know.
Tell her that God knows where you are & you know where God is.
You don’t need to make a song & dance about it in front of everyone every week to be at peace with your beliefs.
Your beliefs are private & they belong to you alone.
You never try to push anything onto anyone else & you’d appreciate your mom being as respectful of your life choices as you are of hers.