Hey, so as the title says, i feel like I’ve been this depressing creature for quite a while who dosent enjoy other peoples company and is a social hermit. So whenever i try to “smile more”, “give more compliments”, or “try to be funny”, i always feel like im never being true to myself and its not fair for the other person. I think also thats why i never like to form friendships with people who WANT to be friends with me! I feel like its not fair for them because im only putting on this “fake” personality i learned from reddit when in actuality Im a depressed, self-pitying person. Did anyone else come across this stage in their self-improvement journey and how did you overcome it? Thanks
22 comments
I kinda get y point
Sometimes when doing something new for the first time, you’ll feel out of place. Socialization is like any other skill and takes practice. You can get good at it just as easily as you can fall off the wagon (ask me how I know). Would you call someone seeking help for depression fake for trying to practice healthy habits, even though it feels unnatural? Of course not. You’re likewise building good habits to improve your social life.
Don’t feel weird. You’ll get more comfortable with it the more you do it.
Putting on a mask becomes effortless when you accept my deal. You will be beautiful and charming. You won’t even realize you are wearing it until it comes time for me to collect.
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” — Kurt Vonnegut
Yes, I’m in this stage right now. I try to be real with myself. Lying about my inner state by acting all happy isn’t good for anyone – I feel fake, and others will find out my true state sooner or later.
I found that by acting just the way I feel, I attract others who feel the same (even though they seem quite happy on the outside!) and now I have people who can relate to my experience, which is nice.
Social skills shouldn’t come at the cost of being authentic. For me, the battle is about finding a pleasant and tactful way to be myself while also following social codes – I don’t do things that would betray who I really am, even if those things would win more people. If those people aren’t the type who would like the real me, they aren’t the type I want to befriend anyway.
In other words, it’s okay to have limits.
Smiling at people and trying not to have my RBF when I’m looking directly at someone has helped me. It felt really fake at first, but people have complimented me and said they thought i was mean af before. I have still have issues with starting/continuing conversation though.
Ahhhh I get it. See, I have like a weird impostor syndrome feeling tied to myself in a social setting. Once I warm up in a crowd/at an event, I am so outgoing, complimentary?(idk if that’s the right word), and seemingly happy. I interject into conversations and it’s usually received well, but I end up feeling like I’m not being my genuine self. When I’m alone (with immediate family) I’m pretty reserved and chill. I think my ADHD goes nuts in a social setting and it turns my friendliness up to 100000. Maybe I *am* an extrovert…. But my brain doesn’t know how to handle it 😅😭
You’ll get better at it.
When I was young, I couldn’t even order my own food. All my shirt’s necks were stretched out because I hid my face in my shirt. Making eye contact triggered fight or flight.
It was bad.
One day I was watching fucking David’s Blaine of all things, and something clicked. David isn’t a super charismatic guy, very weird for a magician. There wasn’t a lot of showmanship in any of his tricks, he dressed very plainly, and always spoke and presented himself with an abnormally flat affect. But he still waltzed right up to strangers on the street no problem.
I figured it was the cards.
So I went out and bought some playing cards and spent months learning tricks and flourishes. It was difficult staying on track, but steady progress towards mastery of this niche skill kept me going. I developed a genuine love for magic and flashy card tricks. So I kept at it until I could pull them off 100% of the time.
Then I took my cards to school, and tried to put myself in a “David Blaine” mindset. Even if I’m nothing special, I could do something special with these cards. My confidence wasn’t in myself as a person, it was in a skill I knew I now had demonstrably.
So I did my little card tricks, awkwardly at first yeah, but as I proved to myself I was capable I was able to work more performative showmanship in.
It was all an act, and there were some clear tells. My hands shook, I sweat bullets, and still struggled with direct eye contact.
But like with the tricks themselves, with enough practice it became as effortless too.
10 years have passed since then, and my personality is still effected by this mentality. Yeah, I’m still depressed. Diagnosed and medicated, thankfully, but depressed nonetheless. I still have a mountain of misgivings about myself that stretches a mile high. But when I’m out and about, or hanging around friends that trained confidence takes the wheel naturally.
I’m not saying you have to get into magic or anything. I’m sure my choice in hobby lead to many cringe moments that I try to forget. But anything can be slotted in here, as long as it opens a door to other people, and offers a consistent option to work on your “false” confidence act.
This is a ridiculously wordy way of saying that the old adage “fake it til you make it” is real as hell. Fuck, I’m pretty sure there have been legit psychological studies proving it. It’ll be hard, and if your depression lends itself to motivation issues as mine does, there may be stumbling points where you have to drop the hobby for a while. But if you keep at it, it may yield some great results.
At least I hope it does. Best of luck
I have some ideas on this topic. First of all, improving social skills is not a matter of fake vs non-fake. Whenever we try to learn something we feel awkward and out of our depth at first. Are there ‘fake tennis players?’ ‘fake artists?’ ‘fake soccer players?’ No! There are people who are learning a new skill. And it DOES take a while for that new skill to feel ‘natural.’
At the same time, I do think it’s helpful to have your Insides match your Outsides. In other words, don’t pretend to be joyful, interested in other people and fun-loving. Actually work on FEELING those things in your heart!
That way none of it is fake.
Being a person around other people is tough. I applaud you for getting out out of your comfort zone, and for your self awareness. This isn’t advice, just wanted to give some encouragement. Keep going 🤘
That’s because it is fake.
Yes
Do you give compliments when you don’t mean it or something? Only give when you really mean it. Would you still feel fake even then?
I’m currently breaking this down in therapy actually. The way I describe it is there’s two versions of me having an internal war. One that’s trying to improve and feels pretty good about it in the process and another that constantly says “who do you think you are? You really think you can just change? Nah man. You’re stuck with me. You’re stuck with yourself. So accept it cause you don’t get to be who you want. You have to be who you are. Even if you don’t like it.”
This is an internal dialogue I’m working hard to defeat and it from what I’ve been discussing in therapy, it essentially comes down to me allowing myself to make mistakes and have setbacks without falling too far or getting down on myself for them. Now the question is how do I do that practically speaking?
I’ve thought about posting something similar to this for so long and am just happy I’m not alone! Any time I’m a generally “normal” person, I feel so out of touch with myself. It makes sense that it’s just a learning curve..fake it ‘til you make it, eh?
Thanks, OP, for posting and thanks to everyone for the advice!
Read better small talk … nothing fake about improving yourself …. extroverts interact with so many people that it becomes second nature for them … we inteoverts avoid people , leading to rusting of our social resume … read the book u will get there
100%! I work in customer service/guest relations so of course I put on a nice happy voice and smile with my guests… I realized that I give my co-workers, extended family that I don’t really know, and new people the same exact customer service persona! Obviously that just comes of fake and “fake nice” which no one wants to be around. I think it’s an escape mechanism. Customer service is easy, building relationships are tough.
Building social skills is like building any muscle. It takes time, practice and consistency. The two times i’ve been to a gym and spent a couple months doing it, in the beginning I felt like an outsider, not particularly strong at any of the machines and didn’t really connect with it. As I went more and more, my consistency, strength and confidence improved. We are naturally stronger in some areas more than others, and that’s okay. In the beginning we’re all faking it, but then with time it becomes more real and soon becomes a part of who we are.
if i have to act differently to befriend someone, then there wasn’t a connection there
I’m no where near improved I’m still very much messed up and yeah depression makes you feel like everything you do is wrong and your a horrible person for doing anything even faking it. I have no advise I can only relate when someone asks how are you doing obviously not looking for your life story I feel like I’m lieing saying good and I hate it so I just avoid ppl or just try and come up with a way to be honest without getting into it like we don’t have time for that how bout you or very direct crappy but that’s life how bout you my goal is to get the spotlight off me as fast as possible without lying or it will eat me up
That’s imposter syndrome buddy